I Want to Save the World

A friend of mine is in the hospital right now.  She tried to commit suicide on Tuesday.  I feel horrible.  She was begging for someone to help her on Facebook, but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

This isn’t the first time.  She needs help from trained professionals, but this stupid backwards state has cut public funding so badly that she no longer qualifies.  She’s supposed to be working for a living, but that’s not working out very well…..

I absolutely hate how people like her become marginalized and reduced to a statistic.  The lawmakers don’t give a damn about the human quotient, only about bottom lines and making themselves look good.  “Cut spending!” they cry, but do they think about the ultimate cost?  “Less government!” they bray, as long as it doesn’t affect their cushy little positions.  They’ve left a gigantic grey zone where people wander forever, lost to the system that’s supposed to help them.

The only people I see getting help are the politicians and rich white men.  Not me.  Certainly not her. 

I am upset.  I’m upset that I feel powerless to do more.  I’m upset that, because my friends and I aren’t wealthy, we are deemed “not worthy” by people in power.  I’m upset that I can’t fix the world.

Sometimes I feel like I can't fix anything.

Oh, THERE I am!

Sometimes, it takes a fair amount of time before we find where we are supposed to be again. This past week, I found a path I had been on some years ago and lost my way.

It was a path I was very happy with – I knew who I was, I knew where I was going, and I knew what I wanted out of life. I did not know an enemy and I felt love for all. I was happy – truly happy. I was open to accepting all love from those around me. Unfortunately, there was one who took advantage of that and created some major chaos for me, but most folks know that story already.

So here's my thoughts on my most recent revelations: sometimes, just because you find where you're happiest, it doesn't always mean you get to stay there. I found it, and it was wonderful, but I had other lessons I needed to learn still. As joyful as life was at that point, I knew I was about step off into the abyss when I decided to make a life with someone new. A part of me knew it wasn't going to be what I thought, but I'm good at deluding myself. Off I went, spiraling through some pretty crazy and unbelievable crap, and I came out on the other side. I learned a great deal in that time, stuff I think I needed to learn. I'm stronger, more cynical, but I have learned to really appreciate the goodness in people and the joy in life when I find it.

And now I have found that love and affection I had lost before. I feel like there's finally been a chunk taken out of the wall that's been around my core. I feel like I have the ability to give again. It was just a couple of years ago that I pushed people away because I was afraid of hurting them – I feel that it is no longer something to fear.

That by itself give me so much hope.