Confiding

I have had trouble my entire life learning to open up to people and talk when something is bothering me. I keep a journal instead. It’s something that started when I was about twelve or thirteen when I was given the very clear message that my thoughts and feelings did not matter and I needed to keep it all to myself.

I’ve had several people tell me I need to learn to open up, including several counselors over the course of the years, and I have worked at it, even succeeded to a point. Unfortunately, I chose to trust the wrong person and a lot of very personal issues were twisted and used against me and I have since closed off all access again. So I do this – I blog, opening up tiny little bits here and there, trying to find some sort of connection that will allow me to be a little bit vulnerable without opening myself up for an all-out body slam of pain.

Well, it was brought up to me again recently that I really need to find someone to confide in and trust. Pretty tall order! Thirty years of telling myself no one wants to hear my crap is pretty heavily ingrained. As I’ve tried to tell folks before, I can’t just start talking and expect to be able to open up like that. I know everyone has problems, and I know everyone should be able to talk with someone about them, and I’m great at listening to other people, but I am lousy at doing it myself. That’s just pretty much how it is for me.

As I get older, I’m starting to consider what unrealistic expectations I need to release. Would I like to find someone I can trust like that? Sure. Do I have friends now I could trust? I’m sure I do, but like I said, everyone has problems. Gods know mine aren’t nearly as bad as some people, so why should I go around bothering other people with my trivial garbage?

So I guess all this means is, if I don’t tell you what’s bothering me, it’s not that won’t….I just can’t.