Frustration

After years of what I’m sure was an abusive situation, I learned to not trust my feelings and intuition.  I have since worked very hard to learn how I might begin to trust my intuition again, but it’s not going as well as I had hoped.  Unfortunately, it’s become a major hindrance in developing relationships.  Case in point, I have made very few new friends in the past couple of years.  I have a lot of trouble trusting people now, which is weird because for so long, I was more than willing to trust just about anyone until they proved me wrong. 

I don’t like being paranoid and untrusting.  It feels foreign to me.  It’s creating a lot of problems for me in other parts of my life as well.  Granted, it can be a great protection in the world of dating when you’re trying to avoid all the weirdos and creeps, but what happens when you meet someone who is genuinely real and you’re still paranoid? 

I’ve spent a lot of energy and time keeping people at arm’s length, and I’m tired of it.  At the same time, I’m absolutely terrified of being hurt again.  Have you ever seen this video?

That’s kind of what I feel like sometimes.  Walls up, walls down, walls up, walls down…..  I’m gonna burn out the motor if I keep this up.

I think I need to go meditate.