It's Not All My Fault

I wish it hadn’t taken so long for me to realize this, but everything that has gone wrong in my life is not entirely my fault.  Every failed relationship, every lost opportunity – it’s not necessarily all because of things I’ve done.

I’m not saying my life has been nothing but a bunch of failures.  There’s a lot that I’m quite proud of -  my boys, my various bands, my dance troupes, my amazing, strong, talented friends and family  -  but like any normal person, there have been disappointments, too.  I have taken each and every one of them very personally.  Especially those failed relationships.

I know everyone in the world probably sits there and wracks their brain, trying to understand why a relationship went wrong.  I’ve spent hours replaying conversations in my head, trying to figure out if it was what I said or didn’t say, or maybe the way I looked or the way I responded.  I’ve made myself crazy trying to decipher at what exact point did I screw everything up.  And it never occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t all my fault.

I don’t know why I never thought of that before.  I’ve always just automatically assumed I was the one the screwed everything up.  Well, ok, there was one guy in Texas who was certifiably mentally unstable who smashed a mirror with his hand, then held a knife to his chest, telling me I should just shove it into his heart.  Yeah, I ran like hell from that one!  Pretty sure that wasn’t all me!

So except for the one in Texas, I’ve just always thought I was the one that failed to make a relationship work.  I was the one who couldn’t be flexible or understanding enough or giving enough…..never the other way around.  And of course, there are always plenty of people to tell me, yes, it’s all my fault.  Well, I don’t think that’s the case.  I think the only thing I’ve been guilty of is wanting so badly to be loved and be a part of a couple that I was willing to look past anything bad and just try to make it work.

Ok, maybe I wasn’t the best partner in my relationships, but there was always another person, not just me.  Take the father of my boys.  He’s a great guy, and I think the world of him, but we had no business getting together, let alone getting married!  He’s a small town boy, rather reclusive, low-key  --  in other words, my exact opposite.  But he had a stability I craved, and that was something I wanted for any family I might have.  I can only guess at what he saw in me, but I do know he thought I would change after we got married.  He thought we would move back to a small town and I’d give up the music and the social life.  Sigh. 

Of course, looking back, we can both see the flaws in our grand plans.  He really should have settled down with someone a little less social than myself, and I should have just gone on the road with Queensryche  --  but on the other hand, we wouldn’t have our boys if we hadn’t gotten together.  Anyway, the point is, I wasn’t the only one that made a mistake there.  We both had unrealistic expectations  - - I wasn’t the only one that messed up.

I wish I could have understood that years ago.  And I also wish I knew why I thought it was all my fault for so long.  That’s a lot of pain and guilt to carry around for such a long time.