Struggling

I’m astounded at how easily individuals can just shut down their emotional responses during a time some sort of response is almost mandatory.

A young woman took her life yesterday.  She left behind two small children and a lot of questions.  She was related to a person here at work.  As I sit here, trying to do my job, I can hear their conversations a couple of cubicles over – oh, she was on drugs, she was irresponsible, she was in and out of mental facilities so it’s no surprise.  Cold, callous, blaming the victim.

I can see in very sharp and crystal clear clarity why this woman took her life – if that’s how much her own family cared, she most likely believed no one cared.  So why bother?  And it’s that attitude – the attitude that she was the one at fault and no one else – that is causing me the most pain today.  Gods forbid we should turn that spotlight on ourselves and see what we might have done to contribute to the problem or what we could have done to prevent it.  Refusing to admit we might feel badly about the whole situation won’t fix anything.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.  Here, here’s a card.”

False sincerity.  When the card came around to me, I couldn’t sign it.  “It’s for the children.”  Really?  Is this supposed to make them feel better?  A bunch of strangers signed a card – well, that just fixes everything!  I’m appalled….

I can’t listen to their conversations anymore.  I’ll probably spend the rest of this day with my iPod earbuds jammed into my ears. 

I’m angry with how this whole thing is being perceived.  Obviously, the family knew there was a problem and there were a few feeble attempts to fix it, but from what I can gather, she had little to no actual emotional support.  That’s the real crime here.  Pills and psychiatrists can only do so much.  If she was trying to get better, the least they could have done is support her.  Well, I take that back.  They did do the least, and that was nothing.

Did anyone ever tell her it doesn’t stay dark forever?

Attraction and Relationships

This is something that's almost always in the back of my mind, and very often a big hang-up for me when it comes to dating and relationships.

I believe that any two (or more) consenting adults that want to be in a physical or emotional relationship are more than welcome to do so. I have no problems with that whatsoever. I firmly believe that seeking whatever it is that makes you happy is one of our main purposes in life. Yes, I know that's a rather hedonistic philosophy of life, but that's who I am. Once I realized all my self-imposed "rules" were what made me so miserable, I was able to let it all go and seek what truly spoke to my heart. And you might be surprised to know some of my self-imposed rules....

For the longest time, I tried to convince myself that I had to be bi. "All acts of love and pleasure," right? Seemed like every woman I knew was bisexual, and gosh, what was wrong with me if I didn't want to sleep both men and women? Well, there's nothing wrong with me - I'm just straight, that's all. But you would surprised at how many people have been critical of me for that. Just as conservative types tend to look down upon anyone with bisexual tendencies, I was being looked down upon because I didn't!

Something else I have been chastised for - wanting a monogamous relationship. Yeah, seriously. I have actually had people tell me I wasn't spiritually developed because I didn't have an open relationship. What the hell? I thought the whole point of being a consenting adult was being able to live the lifestyle that makes you happy - being pressured into trying open relationships is just as bad as looking down one's nose at those who DO have open relationships. And being the suspicious type that I am, I did often wonder about those who insisted I NEEDED to throw monogamy to the side. I'm thinking there might have been an ulterior motive.....

I've never been really good about dating men my own age. I don't look or behave like other people I know that are my age, and I actually have very few friends even close to my age. Even in high school, I dated guys that were younger. Is it just because I'm immature? Oh, probably -- but again, that's just who I am. However -- and I cannot stress this enough! -- very rarely have I actually pursued a younger man. Usually it's the other way around! I don't know how many times I've told a guy "no" because I felt he was too young for me. But with time, I've started considering that, as long as he's an adult, then why the hell not? PS, that does not make me a "cougar"....I'm not actively pursuing these guys. Besides which, I detest that term.

So I'm not really sure why I've felt compelled to share all of this. Just one of those things, I guess.