Followup

Alright.  I suppose an explanation of some sort is in order.

I have a serious chemical imbalance.  I’ve talked about the depression before and most can tell when I’m not dealing well with it.  My doctor seemed to think I didn’t really need an antidepressant anymore, but when I find myself trying to figure out how to make sure everything is covered so I can leave this life, well, it’s kind of a huge gigantic red flag.  Something needed to be done.

I know several of my friends noticed something was up, and I very much appreciate your concerns.  I’ve had tons of counseling over the years, and I still don’t know how to communicate when things start getting dark.  It’s a very scary place to be.  I have, however, worked hard to train myself to recognize when I need to make a change and get out of that dark place.  It happened this week when I was checking my life insurance policies to make sure there would be enough to cover expenses “just in case.”

I thought I could wait until I go see my GP again (because he’s the one that writes the prescription), but my next appointment isn’t until the end of June.  I could try to get one sooner, but by the time I get down that far, a couple of weeks can be a couple of weeks too long.  It’s weird….I did manage to make it for years without any sort of medication, but once I realized how much pain I had actually been in, I didn’t  ever want to go back to it again.  And when I find myself headed back in that direction, I want to do everything and anything in my power to make it stop.  And that’s when it starts getting scary.  Fortunately, there is an over-the-counter supplement I can take that makes a world of difference for me.  Three days in, and I already feel much better – so that’s a good thing.

As always, I have a lot of resentment about how people like me are treated.  I have a real medical condition that requires intervention.  The way most health care professionals treat me makes me feel like I’m not really worth the time and effort.  No, it’s not cancer or anything that will directly kill me in six months, and yes, I can function (for the most part) in the real world, but it’s very important TO ME.  It matters TO ME.  Treatment makes a huge difference for me – it’s the difference between being a productive member of the human race or just taking up space.  And when I feel like all I’m doing is taking up space, well…..that’s when I start double checking those life insurance policies.  Everyone deserves to live a good life.

Anyway – I’m working on getting better.  During this particular round, I feel like I lost everything – my confidence, my strength, my sense of humor.  It’s been a real struggle to keep moving forward and every little setback has felt like a huge boulder knocking me backwards.  When “what is the point?” becomes a daily mantra, it’s time to get serious about my health.