This Looks Like A Nice Rock to Hide Under

Confidence.  That’s supposed to be my number one problem right now – I don’t have any.  Sure, that can be a problem, but it could also be a good thing, I think.  Without confidence, there’s no massive ego.  Without confidence, I don’t run the risk of making a fool of myself.  Without confidence, I’ll never try to take credit for something I didn’t do.  Hell, most of the time, I don’t take credit for what I DID do, unless it was something I did wrong, in which case I have no problem taking credit for it.

Ok, so most of that was sarcasm.  Yes, I know having no confidence is a serious problem.  I can express an opinion or offer ideas when I get caught up in the moment, but if it comes to saying or doing something on my own, I pretty well suck at it.  I can fake it fairly well – I still remember how to dress nice enough to not embarrass people in public, and I do wear make-up so as not to scare small children.  But that’s about it.

The biggest crime that has come with losing my confidence is I’ve also lost my passion.  Nothing really drives me.  I question everything I try to do, and while I may feel that initial thrill at stepping out and trying to do something that once excited me, after just the briefest amount of time, I start questioning – is this really what I want?  How stupid do I look doing this?  Have I become an embarrassment to those around me?  Then I start thinking how bad I am, and how everyone around me must hate me for making them look bad, too.  I withdraw, isolating myself, convinced the whole thing was a bad idea in the first place.

I hate that.

I would like to gain some confidence in myself again, but I’m not really sure how to go about it.  When I was a kid, I pretty much didn’t care what people thought of me, so it was no problem.  No point in going into why I have no confidence now, but I do wonder if this is normal and I’m just world-weary, or if I should try to rebuild my self-confidence.  I don’t particularly relish the idea of spending the rest of my life standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else follow their dreams.  How does one regain confidence?  Is it even possible?  Does it even matter?