Remembering Stuff

The leaves are changing color.  The air is a lot chillier when I step outside to head to work in the mornings.  For the first time in a very long time, we didn’t make the mad rush to get ready for school before the start of the semester, and I feel like something is amiss.  And yet, I can still feel the pull of nostalgia  --  the leaves, the wind, a light drizzle, dark mornings, goose bumps, wood burning in a fireplace….

I find myself in a very strange place.  I’ve been on my own for three years now, yet I constantly feel as if I’m starting over.  I want to be there for my children, but when we spend time together, I’m reminded that they are now grown men, men who have deep voices and shave and can go into bars….when the hell did that happen?  I know I put a lot of my own life on hold so I could make sure they made it to this point, and I’m trying to reclaim that part again.  I realized a few days ago that I’m experiencing the effects of arrested development  --  I find myself trying to pick up where I left off at the age of 23, and I don’t think that’s working out quite like I expected.  But on the other hand, I have a LOT more time to devote to myself and my interests, without having to rush off to marching band performances or pay for trips to Hawaii.  And it’s not that I have any regrets about the time and money spent on my boys – I wouldn’t change any of it!  I mean, come on….they went to Hawaii!  I’ve never even been to California.

I’m trying to change my mindset.  I don’t need to take care of anyone anymore, not even a spouse.  That gives a lot more time to turn my attention towards ME.  I feel slightly selfish for it, too.  And terrified.  My inner dialogue becomes something like this:

“Hm.  Ok, where did I leave off?  Man, I was in great shape when I was younger  --  let’s see…..OH MY GOD!!!  WHAT IS THAT???”

Yeah, it’s not pretty.  I do have a little bit of an excuse there – the ex would lose his mind if I tried to lose weight or get into shape.  He was convinced that the only reason I wanted to get into shape was to find someone new so I could leave him.  In addition to not being able to lose any weight, I ended up gaining a total of fifty pounds because of that.  And since I’m older now, it’s a lot more difficult to get all that goo off of me.

It’s not just the physical stuff, though.  I didn’t realize how off-kilter my mental state had become.  Every day, it becomes clearer to me.  Oh, yes, I am working to fix that, too.  For a while I was concerned that occupying myself with dance and music was just a way to escape who I am, but I’ve come to realize that those things ARE who I am.  The fat, depressed basket-case is still lurking somewhere just around the corner, but she’s getting further and further away.

I suspect my renewed sense of nostalgia comes from remembering my old self.  It’s actually a good thing to be able to feel that part of myself again.  It was gone for a long time.  I couldn’t find any real joy in the changing of the seasons and I’m very grateful to have this feeling again.  A part of the healing process?  I believe it is.

This Looks Like A Nice Rock to Hide Under

Confidence.  That’s supposed to be my number one problem right now – I don’t have any.  Sure, that can be a problem, but it could also be a good thing, I think.  Without confidence, there’s no massive ego.  Without confidence, I don’t run the risk of making a fool of myself.  Without confidence, I’ll never try to take credit for something I didn’t do.  Hell, most of the time, I don’t take credit for what I DID do, unless it was something I did wrong, in which case I have no problem taking credit for it.

Ok, so most of that was sarcasm.  Yes, I know having no confidence is a serious problem.  I can express an opinion or offer ideas when I get caught up in the moment, but if it comes to saying or doing something on my own, I pretty well suck at it.  I can fake it fairly well – I still remember how to dress nice enough to not embarrass people in public, and I do wear make-up so as not to scare small children.  But that’s about it.

The biggest crime that has come with losing my confidence is I’ve also lost my passion.  Nothing really drives me.  I question everything I try to do, and while I may feel that initial thrill at stepping out and trying to do something that once excited me, after just the briefest amount of time, I start questioning – is this really what I want?  How stupid do I look doing this?  Have I become an embarrassment to those around me?  Then I start thinking how bad I am, and how everyone around me must hate me for making them look bad, too.  I withdraw, isolating myself, convinced the whole thing was a bad idea in the first place.

I hate that.

I would like to gain some confidence in myself again, but I’m not really sure how to go about it.  When I was a kid, I pretty much didn’t care what people thought of me, so it was no problem.  No point in going into why I have no confidence now, but I do wonder if this is normal and I’m just world-weary, or if I should try to rebuild my self-confidence.  I don’t particularly relish the idea of spending the rest of my life standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else follow their dreams.  How does one regain confidence?  Is it even possible?  Does it even matter?