Yup

I’ve been struggling lately.  A lot.  Basically, it all boils down to “why am I still here?”  I feel I have zero to offer the world at large anymore and any purpose I might have had has been fulfilled.  I really don’t have anything left.  Boys are grown and living their own lives.  Everyone else in my family has their own thing going on.  All that crap about destiny, special purpose, finding my gift, whatever  --  pretty much don’t buy into that anymore.

Yeah, I have friends and I do stuff.  I just don’t know why I’m still doing it all.  I feel like I just take up space and waste time.  Woohoo. 

I’ve always lived my life with a goal.  When I was busy being an advocate for Paganism, the goal was to achieve tolerance.  Well, it will probably never be what I had hoped for, but it’s a far cry better than when I was a kid and Family Services wanted to take my brother and me away because of my family’s religion.  I feel I achieved a great deal, but I need to move on from that.

I have goals in dancing:  get better, get stronger, dance more.  It’s an open-ended goal, and not so easy to say, “Yes, I have achieved this.”  Maybe that’s a danger  --  no real obvious goal to work towards.  Nothing I can really hold up and say, “there – I did this.”

I have started playing music again, and I am helping a friend to achieve a few of his goals in that regard.  It’s fun, and I do have a good time dinking around on the bass again, but I keep asking myself, “what’s the point?”  Yes, it’s fun, and I like to have fun, but I keep thinking I should be doing something worthwhile.

It’s like I’m stuck in a loop of logic.  I know not everything has to have a purpose, and we should be doing things simply for the enjoyment, but more and more I find myself questioning if I’ve ever done anything that was worthwhile.

Maybe I’m just having a mid-life crisis.