Still Here

So, I have depression. If you've read my stuff here before, then you know that – rah. It's not any sort of a secret, nor is it a secret that I take medication to stave off the darkness. As anyone that takes a maintenance medication, I have to be very careful about it, and I always make note when it changes.

About a year and a half ago, I did have a change in my meds. I used my insurance's mail-in option, and the generic I received was different from the one I had been taking. Not thinking anything of it, I started taking the new ones when my old ones ran out. Holy crap.....

All generics are NOT the same. This particular one did terrible things to my head. I called my doctor, got a new prescription, got rid of the mail-order crap and was able to get things straightened out again after about a month. Lesson learned – don't take that generic!

So this year, I've been planning on weaning myself off the meds. It's been a while and I really need to learn how to live without the chemicals. I had one more month, then a few of the smaller dosage meds to step down with. I got the last month of my meds filled, brought them home, set them on the microwave and went about my day. When it was time to open up the last bunch, wouldn't you know it? The wonky generics!

Well, I decided to go ahead and give it a shot, anyway. Bad mistake. Bad, bad mistake.

Everyone has heard stories about how some anti-depressants can actually cause suicidal tendencies in users. This is the one that does it for me. I spent two days reconsidering “the plan.” Yes, I've made a plan before – obviously, I didn't follow through, but it's there. After a couple of days, I starting thinking maybe I should do something about the incredibly dark and evil place I had been dwelling and try to get back to some semblance of normal.

This has been a rough year for me head-wise. I've had several bad patches of severe depression over the last few months, and it has been a struggle. Even the best medications, therapists, exercise programs, etc. can't fix it all, and sometimes the darkness wins. The trick is to keep it from taking over completely, and remembering that it WILL get better. It can be really tough to get to that point where you know it will get better. When it gets to the point that I start pulling up details of “the plan,” I start telling myself to just wait one more day. Thankfully, I don't deal with that too often anymore.

A couple of days ago, when I was starting to come back up, my mom called to check on me and make sure I was ok. Of course, I told her I was fine, everything was fine. She asked me if I needed anyone to talk to.......yeah......that's a tough one.

Sure, I have friends, and sure, they say I can talk to them any time I need, but I know how that usually goes. Everyone has problems. Everyone needs someone to talk to. And usually I'm the one they want to talk to. And you know what happens when I need someone to talk to about what's bugging me? I end up listening to everything that's been going wrong in their lives. So I stopped trying.

So maybe that will help explain some of why I've been so quiet lately. I'm still single....still afraid to talk to men. Still dancing – probably one of the few things that is keeping me going. Still here. Still hanging on. Working on getting better. Taking it a day at a time.