This Point

I often wish there was some way I could capture my experiences and find some way to share what I've learned. Like distill it into a bottle and give out little samples. I don't know if it would do anyone else any good, but maybe if one other person can learn from my experiences, it would be worth it.

For instance, I feel like I've spent years trying to learn who I am and what I really want out of my life. Honestly, isn't that what everyone does? It seems like an intelligent person comes to a point where they look at themselves in a mirror and say, “Just what the hell DO you want?” And, oh, yes, I've read tons of self-help guides from all the feel-good gurus. What I've discovered is, what works for them does not always work for the rest of us. Maybe in some ways all those books and websites and cds did give me a way to find what does work for me, but surely there's an easier way to get to this point.

Anyway, “this point” is what I'm working on today. “This point” kind of feels like being on the other side of a very dark forest (fire swamps and rodents of unusual size, anyone?). “This point” is realizing I'm doing what I want to do without fear.

You know what's really crazy about that? The hardest part was just doing it. I had a gazillion excuses as to why I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. But something weird has happened....as soon as I pushed myself to do just one thing, I've suddenly found myself capable of doing everything. And there has been a very definite change in how I feel, too.

I wish everyone could find the strength to do just one thing they really want to do, but I have no idea how to convince people to try it. I suspect it's a lot like skydiving – not that I have any desire to skydive. I just think it's like overcoming that fear. Once you can do just that one thing, like jumping out of a plane, you find it's possible to do whatever you want.

I do know one of my fears has always been success. There are people in my life who would rather see me stay down and be miserable instead of succeeding. It's taken me a long time to realize that if I do succeed and find my happiness and those people can't be happy for me, then those are people I don't need around me, anyway. I'm sure everyone in this world has people around them that try to keep them on that level of mediocrity. And maybe that's where our greatest difficulty lies – learning to stop listening to those people and learning to listen to ourselves, instead.

Try, just for today, to do one thing you've always wanted to.  Maybe today will be your point.

My One and Only Post on the Election

Ok.

I’ve been relatively quiet on politics for the last year.  It’s over now.  There will be no sudden change to Socialism, Marxism, Communism or whatever the hell people were screaming about last week.  No one is losing gun rights (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/19/obama-guns_n_1985826.html).   God has not struck everyone down due to “the gays” or whatever.

Since the last four years were spent primarily trying to prove the President was unworthy (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2012/09/18/our_objective_is_to_stop_obama  http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/david/mcconnell-stopping-obamas-re-election-still), how about everyone just stop being nasty towards each other and actually find a way to work TOGETHER?  There is absolutely no way this country can move forward as long as people still insist on a bunch of crap that is either only half true or completely untrue.

Think for a minute – way back in the Middle Ages, the Catholic Church had a very handy way of controlling the masses and making sure they got everything their way.  Learning to read or write was restricted to only the aristocracy and the Church itself, leaving most of the people in Europe uneducated and ignorant.  Any information given to the masses came from the Church and the ruling class, so they pretty much just told people what they wanted – like the world was flat, and witches were in league with the Devil and were responsible for the evils of the world, and if you didn’t go to church and give money, you were going to hell.  The Church would make crap up just to scare the masses into behaving, because the last thing the Church wanted was calm, educated people thinking for themselves.

Personally, I don’t think it helps anyone to focus so hard on politics.  Most of that is beyond my reach or even my scope of concern (except when men think they need to tell me what to do with my body – that’s a big NO right there).  Rather than freaking out over something that MIGHT be true or over a bit of information that really has no bearing one way or the other (….he’s BLACK????  Yeah, I’m not stupid – a lot of it was about race), how about we try to find ways to work together and make things better for everyone?

Please don’t tell me we can’t.  There’s nothing stopping anyone from working towards a common goal.  We’ve externalized so much during this election because we were TOLD there were all these horrible things that MIGHT happen.  Um, I kinda don’t care.  It is completely pointless to rail against supposition.  If we keep expending all our energy against boogie men, we will never be able to pull together.  But then again, if we’re all scared of the dark, we become a lot easier to control.

Baby Steps

I know what I did.  I knew I had done it when I did it.  I did it on purpose.  It was completely and totally necessary at the time so I could heal and become a whole person again.

I’m not saying I’m perfect at this point or that I won’t have a stupid meltdown again in the future.  I’m not a super hero.  But the walls --  it’s time for them to come down.

It’s an absolutely terrifying prospect.  The thought of allowing myself to be open and vulnerable with another human being makes my heart race (not in a good way) and kind of makes me feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.  But I’m a helluva lot stronger now, and I know I can’t spend the rest of my life pushing people away from me.

You know how when you’re younger, you keep thinking things will be easier when you’re older and you understand the world a little more?  Yeah, that doesn’t seem to be happening, at least not for me.  I suspect that’s the case for the majority of people.  It’s one of those things I’ve had to learn in recent years, mostly in order to keep my sanity.  Life is a mystery, right?  The best we can do is find good folks to have around us and just enjoy the ride.

I’m out of practice when it come to dealing with people on anything other than a semi-professional level, so if you are a friends of mine and I come across as rather awkward and weird for a bit, it’s because I’m trying to find my footing again.  Baby steps……

Remembering Stuff

The leaves are changing color.  The air is a lot chillier when I step outside to head to work in the mornings.  For the first time in a very long time, we didn’t make the mad rush to get ready for school before the start of the semester, and I feel like something is amiss.  And yet, I can still feel the pull of nostalgia  --  the leaves, the wind, a light drizzle, dark mornings, goose bumps, wood burning in a fireplace….

I find myself in a very strange place.  I’ve been on my own for three years now, yet I constantly feel as if I’m starting over.  I want to be there for my children, but when we spend time together, I’m reminded that they are now grown men, men who have deep voices and shave and can go into bars….when the hell did that happen?  I know I put a lot of my own life on hold so I could make sure they made it to this point, and I’m trying to reclaim that part again.  I realized a few days ago that I’m experiencing the effects of arrested development  --  I find myself trying to pick up where I left off at the age of 23, and I don’t think that’s working out quite like I expected.  But on the other hand, I have a LOT more time to devote to myself and my interests, without having to rush off to marching band performances or pay for trips to Hawaii.  And it’s not that I have any regrets about the time and money spent on my boys – I wouldn’t change any of it!  I mean, come on….they went to Hawaii!  I’ve never even been to California.

I’m trying to change my mindset.  I don’t need to take care of anyone anymore, not even a spouse.  That gives a lot more time to turn my attention towards ME.  I feel slightly selfish for it, too.  And terrified.  My inner dialogue becomes something like this:

“Hm.  Ok, where did I leave off?  Man, I was in great shape when I was younger  --  let’s see…..OH MY GOD!!!  WHAT IS THAT???”

Yeah, it’s not pretty.  I do have a little bit of an excuse there – the ex would lose his mind if I tried to lose weight or get into shape.  He was convinced that the only reason I wanted to get into shape was to find someone new so I could leave him.  In addition to not being able to lose any weight, I ended up gaining a total of fifty pounds because of that.  And since I’m older now, it’s a lot more difficult to get all that goo off of me.

It’s not just the physical stuff, though.  I didn’t realize how off-kilter my mental state had become.  Every day, it becomes clearer to me.  Oh, yes, I am working to fix that, too.  For a while I was concerned that occupying myself with dance and music was just a way to escape who I am, but I’ve come to realize that those things ARE who I am.  The fat, depressed basket-case is still lurking somewhere just around the corner, but she’s getting further and further away.

I suspect my renewed sense of nostalgia comes from remembering my old self.  It’s actually a good thing to be able to feel that part of myself again.  It was gone for a long time.  I couldn’t find any real joy in the changing of the seasons and I’m very grateful to have this feeling again.  A part of the healing process?  I believe it is.

This Looks Like A Nice Rock to Hide Under

Confidence.  That’s supposed to be my number one problem right now – I don’t have any.  Sure, that can be a problem, but it could also be a good thing, I think.  Without confidence, there’s no massive ego.  Without confidence, I don’t run the risk of making a fool of myself.  Without confidence, I’ll never try to take credit for something I didn’t do.  Hell, most of the time, I don’t take credit for what I DID do, unless it was something I did wrong, in which case I have no problem taking credit for it.

Ok, so most of that was sarcasm.  Yes, I know having no confidence is a serious problem.  I can express an opinion or offer ideas when I get caught up in the moment, but if it comes to saying or doing something on my own, I pretty well suck at it.  I can fake it fairly well – I still remember how to dress nice enough to not embarrass people in public, and I do wear make-up so as not to scare small children.  But that’s about it.

The biggest crime that has come with losing my confidence is I’ve also lost my passion.  Nothing really drives me.  I question everything I try to do, and while I may feel that initial thrill at stepping out and trying to do something that once excited me, after just the briefest amount of time, I start questioning – is this really what I want?  How stupid do I look doing this?  Have I become an embarrassment to those around me?  Then I start thinking how bad I am, and how everyone around me must hate me for making them look bad, too.  I withdraw, isolating myself, convinced the whole thing was a bad idea in the first place.

I hate that.

I would like to gain some confidence in myself again, but I’m not really sure how to go about it.  When I was a kid, I pretty much didn’t care what people thought of me, so it was no problem.  No point in going into why I have no confidence now, but I do wonder if this is normal and I’m just world-weary, or if I should try to rebuild my self-confidence.  I don’t particularly relish the idea of spending the rest of my life standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else follow their dreams.  How does one regain confidence?  Is it even possible?  Does it even matter?

My Opinion

When I was growing up and going to school, we were taught that the USA was the bestest and most wonderfulest country in the world.  With enough hard work and dedication, you could do or be anything you wanted.  Absolutely, I believed it.  We were taught we had the best opportunities, the best schools, the homes, the best cars and we should always be proud of how great it is to live here.  Always.

My childhood was a bit of a struggle, but I had faith.  I truly believed that if I worked hard enough, I’d get everything I ever wanted and be happy.  After all, Abraham Lincoln grew up in a log cabin, and look what he did!  So I did well in school, and even though I didn’t finish college, I worked hard at my job and did the best I could – which, it turned out, didn’t matter because of the sexist attitude of management – but that was ok, because I knew I could get a better job and still have that great life! 

Ok, yes, I did end up dropping that dream of becoming an actress.  I was told by several teachers and competition judges that I did have talent, but somehow I just never managed to get to anyplace where I might actually get paid for that talent.  But it was ok.  I met a wonderful man, got married and started to settle down.

A mere handful of days after my first son was born, I watched the beginning of the Gulf War as it unfolded on TV.  I was shaken to my core.  Talk of reinstating the draft had been tossed about then, and for the first time in my adult life, I honestly feared what the government could do to our family.  Up until that point, I firmly believed in our rights as citizens, but it never occurred to me what it might be like to be forced into doing something I didn’t believe in.

My marriage didn’t last.  For a while, I found out what fun it was being a single parent with two young boys to raise on my own.  I worked, but I couldn’t afford daycare – but I also made too much money to get any sort of assistance for daycare.  I was very fortunate to have an incredibly patient and understanding boss who would let me bring my youngest to work with me any time I couldn’t get someone to watch him.  I kept plugging along, working diligently, just knowing in my heart of hearts, one day I would make it.

When I was laid off, I took the opportunity to go to school and learn a new trade.  I did very well, became certified in AutoCAD drafting, got a job, and absolutely hated it.  I stumbled a bit.  I didn’t know what to do at that point.  My dream was starting to become a lot foggier.

I tried to work things out with the boys’ father.  We decided it was in the boys’ best interest to work together and give them a good life, even if our dreams had been set back a bit.  But even then, there were good things to look forward to – we decided to have a house built, a beautiful home where I could pick my own carpet and finishing touches.  We started looking in September, 2001.

Please understand, I still love living here.  I know there are plenty of other places in this world where I would be dead by now for what I believe and even for expressing myself like I do.  I still like to believe there are opportunities for people, just not people like me.  You see, I’ve lost a lot of faith in all the crap I was told when I was a kid.  I find it hard to believe the rest of the world loves us as much as I was told back then.  And I’ve seen some of the most horrible things happen to this country and it’s people since September, 2001.

Me personally, I lost that innocence that said, yes, we are the greatest.  I think a lot of people did.  Some of them were able to pick up the pieces and recognize that we, as a nation, need to start working together with the rest of the world instead of being arrogant and acting like we should be the world police, or whatever it is we thought we were.  But then there are these other people who seem to think we can just shove everything back together and make ourselves out to be that great, arrogant nation and the rest of the world be damned.  Who cares about rights and constitutions and tolerance and peace?  More patriotism!  More churches!  More prisons!

Sigh….

Change is scary.  Especially when that change involves everything you’ve ever believed about your home.  I know I’ve been trying to create some semblance of normalcy for myself for a very long time now.  I’ve come to accept that it just doesn’t exist, at least not in the way I had always been told.  Some people will never be able to accept it, and so I believe we will have this division within our country for many, many years.  For those that are hoping to rebuild our nation in a new light, it will be an uphill battle, but I believe it’s absolutely necessary for our survival.

The world is a much smaller place now.  We really should learn how to get along with our neighbors.

What if We're Praying to the Wrong God?

I was taught that Deity (Gods, Goddesses, The Powers That Be, whatever you believe in) will give you only what you can handle or what you need. It almost sounds as if offering prayers or asking for anything is a waste of time, yet – as we state in our rituals – we offer our prayers.

But what if you pray to your Deity and whatever it is that you're requesting goes incredibly wrong? You do your ritual, make your offerings, implore your God or Goddess to help maybe move the energies about a bit to facilitate whatever it is you're needing, then go about your business – everything we're taught from day one about spellwork. Then things start moving just as you had requested. Looks like your spell is in motion! Hooray!

And then.....it all goes insanely crazy wrong. You get the money you need to cover your bills, but as soon as you pay them, a huge emergency pops up and you have no way to take care of it. You receive the job offer you were hoping for, but the terms have changed and you'll be making a lot less than you were before. You finally meet a seemingly wonderful person, but as time goes by, you realize this person is absolute the worst possible human being on the face of the planet – and they are never going to leave you alone.

What the hell????

Well, it occurred to me – what if we're offering our prayers to the wrong Deity? I'm not saying we should all drop Paganism and start practicing Christianity, because I've seen plenty of Christians that have identical problems. But here's the thing.....just about everyone I know chooses who they offer prayers to. Every once in a while, I do hear about someone chosen by their Deity, but that doesn't seem to happen too often. So....what if we've been choosing the wrong God? And when we pray to the wrong God, what if we just piss them off and they think it's funny to mess with us? You know, let us think everything is gonna be groovy, then yank the rug out from under us right when everything is good.

Just a thought.....