Faith No More (with apologies to Billy Gould)

Faith. Destiny. A Higher Power. So many people build their entire lives on what they believe is a pre-ordained destiny, searching for their life's purpose, expecting to find some sort of Great Truth given to them by a Higher Power. They put all their faith into this, dedicating their lives to doing good or denying themselves certain pleasures because they believe this will bring them closer to whatever great purpose they are supposed to reach. Prayers are offered, sacrifices are made, every little happenstance is seen as a sign that they are on the right path.

Some lose faith, some don't. Some continue on, blindly following what they believe is the “only true way.” But I've always been fascinated with those that stop following that path – what happens? Where do they lose that faith and how do they live their lives afterwards?

How do you find purpose after you lose faith?

For every person that puts their lives on a path based solely on faith and destiny, there is another who has lived a life without bowing to the pressures of sacrifice or prayer. They don't attend a church or believe in any sort of horrible afterlife for those that don't.

(By the same token, these people also manage to live within the confines of law and morality without religion and spirituality, but that's a blog for another time!)

I know there are goals that folks work towards – health issues, acceptance of any number of things that are considered marginal, even physical achievements. But after a lifetime of working towards something esoteric, how difficult is it to redefine your vision?

So, yeah – seems like everything I've done in my life for the last twenty-five years has been with a view towards spirituality. After all these years, a lot has changed for me. I'm not looking towards faith or any sort of destiny anymore. All the plans I had when I was younger are gone, and the big push to be a great High Priestess is no more. I don't feel the need to sacrifice myself to give what I can to those around me.

Because you know what happens when you try to help others? Nothing.

As soon as folks are better, on their feet, happy, whatever, they forget you. There are people out there I would have cut off my arm for, gave them everything I possibly could and then some, helped them through some of the toughest times of their lives. I've learned that's the quickest way to end a friendship. So for all that I've always thought was the best way for me to be, I was obviously very wrong.

It's a strange feeling to be focusing on my own wants and needs. Is it selfish? Should I care? It's not like I'm robbing banks or kicking puppies. But I am having trouble finding purpose and identifying what makes me happy now. I need new goals. I have some in mind, but they would require a few changes I'm not quite ready to make just yet.

I know I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who do not create their goals based on any sort of divinity or spirituality. I'm curious to know how you come to your goals and dreams. Coming out of a lifetime of believing in a destiny is a little disorienting! 

PS. - Billy Gould is the bass player and a founding member of the band Faith No More.  Just so you know.

Happy Whatever-you-celebrate

Holidays.  Yippee.

Oh, and the end of the world.  Forgot about that.  Sigh.

Ok, so when everyone wakes up Saturday morning and everything is still there and we go on about our business as usual, I’ll be sad.  Because it will be business as usual.  There will be no great revelations by the masses.  There will be no savior to suddenly appear and help us all get our shit together.  It’ll just be us, like it was yesterday and the day before, looking at each other, waiting for someone else to do something to make the world a better place.

I was fortunate enough to have an acquaintance a few years ago whose fascination with the Mayan theory of the end of the world led him to do a massive amount of research into it.  Apparently the Mayans were able to chart dates back for thousands of years with complete accuracy, noted celestial happenings that the rest of the world didn’t even notice, and managed to predict solar and lunar eclipses far into what was their future.  So the calendar ending is something a lot of folks looked at as a prediction of the end of time and, logically following that through, the end of the world. Well, not so much.

It is the end of A time, not all time.  Mayans measured time in various units, some that encompassed thousands of years.  It just so happens that we are at the end of a cycle of time called a baktun or a long count (7,886 years).  And you know what happens when one ends?  Another one begins.

Ok, so there may be some celestial things going on, too – I’m not real up-to-date on all of that.  But that doesn’t mean everything is going to come crashing down around us.  Hell, I’d be thrilled to see some real change in this world, but I’m not holding my breath.  The only thing I really can do is change myself.

So back to the holidays.  I like the time off.  I like getting to see my boys for more than ten minutes at a time.  I really dislike all the pressure to SPEND! SPEND! SPEND!  That’s just ridiculous.  Seriously, if all these “war on Christmas” people were really concerned with having their holiday taken away, shouldn’t they stop contributing to the commercialization of it?

Maybe that’s what will come to an end – the insane need to overspend and buy crap that will be broken or abandoned within the week.

I’m gonna go spend some time with my boys, before it all comes crashing down on us.

This Point

I often wish there was some way I could capture my experiences and find some way to share what I've learned. Like distill it into a bottle and give out little samples. I don't know if it would do anyone else any good, but maybe if one other person can learn from my experiences, it would be worth it.

For instance, I feel like I've spent years trying to learn who I am and what I really want out of my life. Honestly, isn't that what everyone does? It seems like an intelligent person comes to a point where they look at themselves in a mirror and say, “Just what the hell DO you want?” And, oh, yes, I've read tons of self-help guides from all the feel-good gurus. What I've discovered is, what works for them does not always work for the rest of us. Maybe in some ways all those books and websites and cds did give me a way to find what does work for me, but surely there's an easier way to get to this point.

Anyway, “this point” is what I'm working on today. “This point” kind of feels like being on the other side of a very dark forest (fire swamps and rodents of unusual size, anyone?). “This point” is realizing I'm doing what I want to do without fear.

You know what's really crazy about that? The hardest part was just doing it. I had a gazillion excuses as to why I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. But something weird has happened....as soon as I pushed myself to do just one thing, I've suddenly found myself capable of doing everything. And there has been a very definite change in how I feel, too.

I wish everyone could find the strength to do just one thing they really want to do, but I have no idea how to convince people to try it. I suspect it's a lot like skydiving – not that I have any desire to skydive. I just think it's like overcoming that fear. Once you can do just that one thing, like jumping out of a plane, you find it's possible to do whatever you want.

I do know one of my fears has always been success. There are people in my life who would rather see me stay down and be miserable instead of succeeding. It's taken me a long time to realize that if I do succeed and find my happiness and those people can't be happy for me, then those are people I don't need around me, anyway. I'm sure everyone in this world has people around them that try to keep them on that level of mediocrity. And maybe that's where our greatest difficulty lies – learning to stop listening to those people and learning to listen to ourselves, instead.

Try, just for today, to do one thing you've always wanted to.  Maybe today will be your point.

My One and Only Post on the Election

Ok.

I’ve been relatively quiet on politics for the last year.  It’s over now.  There will be no sudden change to Socialism, Marxism, Communism or whatever the hell people were screaming about last week.  No one is losing gun rights (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/19/obama-guns_n_1985826.html).   God has not struck everyone down due to “the gays” or whatever.

Since the last four years were spent primarily trying to prove the President was unworthy (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2012/09/18/our_objective_is_to_stop_obama  http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/david/mcconnell-stopping-obamas-re-election-still), how about everyone just stop being nasty towards each other and actually find a way to work TOGETHER?  There is absolutely no way this country can move forward as long as people still insist on a bunch of crap that is either only half true or completely untrue.

Think for a minute – way back in the Middle Ages, the Catholic Church had a very handy way of controlling the masses and making sure they got everything their way.  Learning to read or write was restricted to only the aristocracy and the Church itself, leaving most of the people in Europe uneducated and ignorant.  Any information given to the masses came from the Church and the ruling class, so they pretty much just told people what they wanted – like the world was flat, and witches were in league with the Devil and were responsible for the evils of the world, and if you didn’t go to church and give money, you were going to hell.  The Church would make crap up just to scare the masses into behaving, because the last thing the Church wanted was calm, educated people thinking for themselves.

Personally, I don’t think it helps anyone to focus so hard on politics.  Most of that is beyond my reach or even my scope of concern (except when men think they need to tell me what to do with my body – that’s a big NO right there).  Rather than freaking out over something that MIGHT be true or over a bit of information that really has no bearing one way or the other (….he’s BLACK????  Yeah, I’m not stupid – a lot of it was about race), how about we try to find ways to work together and make things better for everyone?

Please don’t tell me we can’t.  There’s nothing stopping anyone from working towards a common goal.  We’ve externalized so much during this election because we were TOLD there were all these horrible things that MIGHT happen.  Um, I kinda don’t care.  It is completely pointless to rail against supposition.  If we keep expending all our energy against boogie men, we will never be able to pull together.  But then again, if we’re all scared of the dark, we become a lot easier to control.

Baby Steps

I know what I did.  I knew I had done it when I did it.  I did it on purpose.  It was completely and totally necessary at the time so I could heal and become a whole person again.

I’m not saying I’m perfect at this point or that I won’t have a stupid meltdown again in the future.  I’m not a super hero.  But the walls --  it’s time for them to come down.

It’s an absolutely terrifying prospect.  The thought of allowing myself to be open and vulnerable with another human being makes my heart race (not in a good way) and kind of makes me feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.  But I’m a helluva lot stronger now, and I know I can’t spend the rest of my life pushing people away from me.

You know how when you’re younger, you keep thinking things will be easier when you’re older and you understand the world a little more?  Yeah, that doesn’t seem to be happening, at least not for me.  I suspect that’s the case for the majority of people.  It’s one of those things I’ve had to learn in recent years, mostly in order to keep my sanity.  Life is a mystery, right?  The best we can do is find good folks to have around us and just enjoy the ride.

I’m out of practice when it come to dealing with people on anything other than a semi-professional level, so if you are a friends of mine and I come across as rather awkward and weird for a bit, it’s because I’m trying to find my footing again.  Baby steps……

Remembering Stuff

The leaves are changing color.  The air is a lot chillier when I step outside to head to work in the mornings.  For the first time in a very long time, we didn’t make the mad rush to get ready for school before the start of the semester, and I feel like something is amiss.  And yet, I can still feel the pull of nostalgia  --  the leaves, the wind, a light drizzle, dark mornings, goose bumps, wood burning in a fireplace….

I find myself in a very strange place.  I’ve been on my own for three years now, yet I constantly feel as if I’m starting over.  I want to be there for my children, but when we spend time together, I’m reminded that they are now grown men, men who have deep voices and shave and can go into bars….when the hell did that happen?  I know I put a lot of my own life on hold so I could make sure they made it to this point, and I’m trying to reclaim that part again.  I realized a few days ago that I’m experiencing the effects of arrested development  --  I find myself trying to pick up where I left off at the age of 23, and I don’t think that’s working out quite like I expected.  But on the other hand, I have a LOT more time to devote to myself and my interests, without having to rush off to marching band performances or pay for trips to Hawaii.  And it’s not that I have any regrets about the time and money spent on my boys – I wouldn’t change any of it!  I mean, come on….they went to Hawaii!  I’ve never even been to California.

I’m trying to change my mindset.  I don’t need to take care of anyone anymore, not even a spouse.  That gives a lot more time to turn my attention towards ME.  I feel slightly selfish for it, too.  And terrified.  My inner dialogue becomes something like this:

“Hm.  Ok, where did I leave off?  Man, I was in great shape when I was younger  --  let’s see…..OH MY GOD!!!  WHAT IS THAT???”

Yeah, it’s not pretty.  I do have a little bit of an excuse there – the ex would lose his mind if I tried to lose weight or get into shape.  He was convinced that the only reason I wanted to get into shape was to find someone new so I could leave him.  In addition to not being able to lose any weight, I ended up gaining a total of fifty pounds because of that.  And since I’m older now, it’s a lot more difficult to get all that goo off of me.

It’s not just the physical stuff, though.  I didn’t realize how off-kilter my mental state had become.  Every day, it becomes clearer to me.  Oh, yes, I am working to fix that, too.  For a while I was concerned that occupying myself with dance and music was just a way to escape who I am, but I’ve come to realize that those things ARE who I am.  The fat, depressed basket-case is still lurking somewhere just around the corner, but she’s getting further and further away.

I suspect my renewed sense of nostalgia comes from remembering my old self.  It’s actually a good thing to be able to feel that part of myself again.  It was gone for a long time.  I couldn’t find any real joy in the changing of the seasons and I’m very grateful to have this feeling again.  A part of the healing process?  I believe it is.

This Looks Like A Nice Rock to Hide Under

Confidence.  That’s supposed to be my number one problem right now – I don’t have any.  Sure, that can be a problem, but it could also be a good thing, I think.  Without confidence, there’s no massive ego.  Without confidence, I don’t run the risk of making a fool of myself.  Without confidence, I’ll never try to take credit for something I didn’t do.  Hell, most of the time, I don’t take credit for what I DID do, unless it was something I did wrong, in which case I have no problem taking credit for it.

Ok, so most of that was sarcasm.  Yes, I know having no confidence is a serious problem.  I can express an opinion or offer ideas when I get caught up in the moment, but if it comes to saying or doing something on my own, I pretty well suck at it.  I can fake it fairly well – I still remember how to dress nice enough to not embarrass people in public, and I do wear make-up so as not to scare small children.  But that’s about it.

The biggest crime that has come with losing my confidence is I’ve also lost my passion.  Nothing really drives me.  I question everything I try to do, and while I may feel that initial thrill at stepping out and trying to do something that once excited me, after just the briefest amount of time, I start questioning – is this really what I want?  How stupid do I look doing this?  Have I become an embarrassment to those around me?  Then I start thinking how bad I am, and how everyone around me must hate me for making them look bad, too.  I withdraw, isolating myself, convinced the whole thing was a bad idea in the first place.

I hate that.

I would like to gain some confidence in myself again, but I’m not really sure how to go about it.  When I was a kid, I pretty much didn’t care what people thought of me, so it was no problem.  No point in going into why I have no confidence now, but I do wonder if this is normal and I’m just world-weary, or if I should try to rebuild my self-confidence.  I don’t particularly relish the idea of spending the rest of my life standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else follow their dreams.  How does one regain confidence?  Is it even possible?  Does it even matter?