This Looks Like A Nice Rock to Hide Under

Confidence.  That’s supposed to be my number one problem right now – I don’t have any.  Sure, that can be a problem, but it could also be a good thing, I think.  Without confidence, there’s no massive ego.  Without confidence, I don’t run the risk of making a fool of myself.  Without confidence, I’ll never try to take credit for something I didn’t do.  Hell, most of the time, I don’t take credit for what I DID do, unless it was something I did wrong, in which case I have no problem taking credit for it.

Ok, so most of that was sarcasm.  Yes, I know having no confidence is a serious problem.  I can express an opinion or offer ideas when I get caught up in the moment, but if it comes to saying or doing something on my own, I pretty well suck at it.  I can fake it fairly well – I still remember how to dress nice enough to not embarrass people in public, and I do wear make-up so as not to scare small children.  But that’s about it.

The biggest crime that has come with losing my confidence is I’ve also lost my passion.  Nothing really drives me.  I question everything I try to do, and while I may feel that initial thrill at stepping out and trying to do something that once excited me, after just the briefest amount of time, I start questioning – is this really what I want?  How stupid do I look doing this?  Have I become an embarrassment to those around me?  Then I start thinking how bad I am, and how everyone around me must hate me for making them look bad, too.  I withdraw, isolating myself, convinced the whole thing was a bad idea in the first place.

I hate that.

I would like to gain some confidence in myself again, but I’m not really sure how to go about it.  When I was a kid, I pretty much didn’t care what people thought of me, so it was no problem.  No point in going into why I have no confidence now, but I do wonder if this is normal and I’m just world-weary, or if I should try to rebuild my self-confidence.  I don’t particularly relish the idea of spending the rest of my life standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else follow their dreams.  How does one regain confidence?  Is it even possible?  Does it even matter?

My Opinion

When I was growing up and going to school, we were taught that the USA was the bestest and most wonderfulest country in the world.  With enough hard work and dedication, you could do or be anything you wanted.  Absolutely, I believed it.  We were taught we had the best opportunities, the best schools, the homes, the best cars and we should always be proud of how great it is to live here.  Always.

My childhood was a bit of a struggle, but I had faith.  I truly believed that if I worked hard enough, I’d get everything I ever wanted and be happy.  After all, Abraham Lincoln grew up in a log cabin, and look what he did!  So I did well in school, and even though I didn’t finish college, I worked hard at my job and did the best I could – which, it turned out, didn’t matter because of the sexist attitude of management – but that was ok, because I knew I could get a better job and still have that great life! 

Ok, yes, I did end up dropping that dream of becoming an actress.  I was told by several teachers and competition judges that I did have talent, but somehow I just never managed to get to anyplace where I might actually get paid for that talent.  But it was ok.  I met a wonderful man, got married and started to settle down.

A mere handful of days after my first son was born, I watched the beginning of the Gulf War as it unfolded on TV.  I was shaken to my core.  Talk of reinstating the draft had been tossed about then, and for the first time in my adult life, I honestly feared what the government could do to our family.  Up until that point, I firmly believed in our rights as citizens, but it never occurred to me what it might be like to be forced into doing something I didn’t believe in.

My marriage didn’t last.  For a while, I found out what fun it was being a single parent with two young boys to raise on my own.  I worked, but I couldn’t afford daycare – but I also made too much money to get any sort of assistance for daycare.  I was very fortunate to have an incredibly patient and understanding boss who would let me bring my youngest to work with me any time I couldn’t get someone to watch him.  I kept plugging along, working diligently, just knowing in my heart of hearts, one day I would make it.

When I was laid off, I took the opportunity to go to school and learn a new trade.  I did very well, became certified in AutoCAD drafting, got a job, and absolutely hated it.  I stumbled a bit.  I didn’t know what to do at that point.  My dream was starting to become a lot foggier.

I tried to work things out with the boys’ father.  We decided it was in the boys’ best interest to work together and give them a good life, even if our dreams had been set back a bit.  But even then, there were good things to look forward to – we decided to have a house built, a beautiful home where I could pick my own carpet and finishing touches.  We started looking in September, 2001.

Please understand, I still love living here.  I know there are plenty of other places in this world where I would be dead by now for what I believe and even for expressing myself like I do.  I still like to believe there are opportunities for people, just not people like me.  You see, I’ve lost a lot of faith in all the crap I was told when I was a kid.  I find it hard to believe the rest of the world loves us as much as I was told back then.  And I’ve seen some of the most horrible things happen to this country and it’s people since September, 2001.

Me personally, I lost that innocence that said, yes, we are the greatest.  I think a lot of people did.  Some of them were able to pick up the pieces and recognize that we, as a nation, need to start working together with the rest of the world instead of being arrogant and acting like we should be the world police, or whatever it is we thought we were.  But then there are these other people who seem to think we can just shove everything back together and make ourselves out to be that great, arrogant nation and the rest of the world be damned.  Who cares about rights and constitutions and tolerance and peace?  More patriotism!  More churches!  More prisons!

Sigh….

Change is scary.  Especially when that change involves everything you’ve ever believed about your home.  I know I’ve been trying to create some semblance of normalcy for myself for a very long time now.  I’ve come to accept that it just doesn’t exist, at least not in the way I had always been told.  Some people will never be able to accept it, and so I believe we will have this division within our country for many, many years.  For those that are hoping to rebuild our nation in a new light, it will be an uphill battle, but I believe it’s absolutely necessary for our survival.

The world is a much smaller place now.  We really should learn how to get along with our neighbors.