Eulogy

As much as I have fought and struggled with this thing we call depression, I am never prepared when I lose someone to it.  There hasn’t been an official declaration to this, but those of us that knew this individual are fairly certain they succumbed to the demons.

I lost a dear and wonderful person last month.  I could sit here and sing praises to the talent and light that has been lost to the world, but I’m not nearly as eloquent as some.  I’ve also been entirely too focused on my own loss  --  there have been too many who have left this world because they could no longer deal with the darkness in their own heads, and every flame that goes out leaves me in my own growing darkness.  It becomes more and more difficult to keep moving forward.

And for every person that can no longer deal with the pain, I feel I have to continue.  I have to remember them and make sure they aren’t forgotten, so they can continue to live in my heart. 

I hate this disease.  I hate what it does to the people I love.  I will never stop fighting.  I will never forget the lives lost.

I Want to Save the World

A friend of mine is in the hospital right now.  She tried to commit suicide on Tuesday.  I feel horrible.  She was begging for someone to help her on Facebook, but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

This isn’t the first time.  She needs help from trained professionals, but this stupid backwards state has cut public funding so badly that she no longer qualifies.  She’s supposed to be working for a living, but that’s not working out very well…..

I absolutely hate how people like her become marginalized and reduced to a statistic.  The lawmakers don’t give a damn about the human quotient, only about bottom lines and making themselves look good.  “Cut spending!” they cry, but do they think about the ultimate cost?  “Less government!” they bray, as long as it doesn’t affect their cushy little positions.  They’ve left a gigantic grey zone where people wander forever, lost to the system that’s supposed to help them.

The only people I see getting help are the politicians and rich white men.  Not me.  Certainly not her. 

I am upset.  I’m upset that I feel powerless to do more.  I’m upset that, because my friends and I aren’t wealthy, we are deemed “not worthy” by people in power.  I’m upset that I can’t fix the world.

Sometimes I feel like I can't fix anything.

Oh, THERE I am!

Sometimes, it takes a fair amount of time before we find where we are supposed to be again. This past week, I found a path I had been on some years ago and lost my way.

It was a path I was very happy with – I knew who I was, I knew where I was going, and I knew what I wanted out of life. I did not know an enemy and I felt love for all. I was happy – truly happy. I was open to accepting all love from those around me. Unfortunately, there was one who took advantage of that and created some major chaos for me, but most folks know that story already.

So here's my thoughts on my most recent revelations: sometimes, just because you find where you're happiest, it doesn't always mean you get to stay there. I found it, and it was wonderful, but I had other lessons I needed to learn still. As joyful as life was at that point, I knew I was about step off into the abyss when I decided to make a life with someone new. A part of me knew it wasn't going to be what I thought, but I'm good at deluding myself. Off I went, spiraling through some pretty crazy and unbelievable crap, and I came out on the other side. I learned a great deal in that time, stuff I think I needed to learn. I'm stronger, more cynical, but I have learned to really appreciate the goodness in people and the joy in life when I find it.

And now I have found that love and affection I had lost before. I feel like there's finally been a chunk taken out of the wall that's been around my core. I feel like I have the ability to give again. It was just a couple of years ago that I pushed people away because I was afraid of hurting them – I feel that it is no longer something to fear.

That by itself give me so much hope.

I'm That Person

Some years ago, I had a friend that decided he was in love with me.  That was rather awkward for me because I didn’t feel the same way about him, yet he continued to pursue me.  I told him “no” several times, which made it all the worse when he poured his heart out to me about his feelings.  I felt like crap for that.

This went on for years, even when I was married, and there was even a point where I almost caved – but that didn’t happen, and a couple of years ago he actually met someone he could fall in love with, and he recently got married.  I’m thrilled for him and I hope they have many happy years together.

Something else that happened a couple of years ago….. I realized I was in a similar situation….except this time I was the pursuer.  I had this dumb little crush on a friend, and I kept thinking it would go away.  Except it didn’t.  I tried a couple of times to tell him, but of course, he wasn’t interested.  And I started thinking about how awful it must be for him to put up with a loser like myself trying to express their feelings to him, and it suddenly occurred me….

I’ve become That Person.

When I was younger and fair bit more attractive, there was almost always some guy following me around like a lost puppy, trying to convince me that he would make me SO HAPPY if only I would give him a chance.  No matter how gently or harshly I tried to let them down, they would not give up.   Sometimes it was annoying, but most of the time, it just made me feel like an awful person – awful for not being able to even try to date this person, awful for not being able to see the beauty in everyone, awful for just being myself and doing whatever it was that made these guys think they were in love with me.  On the one hand, it irritated me some, but on the other, I felt sorry for these guys.

And, oh my lord, pity is the last thing I would ever want.

So with that jarring realization, I have since put a lid on those feelings and work really hard to ignore them whenever I’m around him.  I think he thinks I’m mad at him.  I’m not.  I’m mostly just mad at myself and trying not to inflict my irrational affections upon him.  And hopefully, one of these days, I’ll meet someone else.  Someone I can fall in love with and be happy.  Because don’t we all deserve that much?

Followup

Alright.  I suppose an explanation of some sort is in order.

I have a serious chemical imbalance.  I’ve talked about the depression before and most can tell when I’m not dealing well with it.  My doctor seemed to think I didn’t really need an antidepressant anymore, but when I find myself trying to figure out how to make sure everything is covered so I can leave this life, well, it’s kind of a huge gigantic red flag.  Something needed to be done.

I know several of my friends noticed something was up, and I very much appreciate your concerns.  I’ve had tons of counseling over the years, and I still don’t know how to communicate when things start getting dark.  It’s a very scary place to be.  I have, however, worked hard to train myself to recognize when I need to make a change and get out of that dark place.  It happened this week when I was checking my life insurance policies to make sure there would be enough to cover expenses “just in case.”

I thought I could wait until I go see my GP again (because he’s the one that writes the prescription), but my next appointment isn’t until the end of June.  I could try to get one sooner, but by the time I get down that far, a couple of weeks can be a couple of weeks too long.  It’s weird….I did manage to make it for years without any sort of medication, but once I realized how much pain I had actually been in, I didn’t  ever want to go back to it again.  And when I find myself headed back in that direction, I want to do everything and anything in my power to make it stop.  And that’s when it starts getting scary.  Fortunately, there is an over-the-counter supplement I can take that makes a world of difference for me.  Three days in, and I already feel much better – so that’s a good thing.

As always, I have a lot of resentment about how people like me are treated.  I have a real medical condition that requires intervention.  The way most health care professionals treat me makes me feel like I’m not really worth the time and effort.  No, it’s not cancer or anything that will directly kill me in six months, and yes, I can function (for the most part) in the real world, but it’s very important TO ME.  It matters TO ME.  Treatment makes a huge difference for me – it’s the difference between being a productive member of the human race or just taking up space.  And when I feel like all I’m doing is taking up space, well…..that’s when I start double checking those life insurance policies.  Everyone deserves to live a good life.

Anyway – I’m working on getting better.  During this particular round, I feel like I lost everything – my confidence, my strength, my sense of humor.  It’s been a real struggle to keep moving forward and every little setback has felt like a huge boulder knocking me backwards.  When “what is the point?” becomes a daily mantra, it’s time to get serious about my health.

Is Now Good?

So let's just say......




You've got this friend who went through a really rough patch with that whole depression thing...yuck!  But they got better, they're back on their feet and things are really looking up for them.  Well, for the most part.  There were a couple of things that happened that hit them really hard - they were completely misled by a guy, then later on they were offered a "pity lay" by someone else.  But hey, nothing the average person can't bounce back from!  And even though your friend isn't necessarily the average person, you don't worry about them anymore.  After all, they're better now! 




Right?




Oh, sure, all better!  Of course, that does cause one to wonder - at what point is it ok to seek help again?  When one starts the "planning process" again?  Or after one is dead?  One certainly wouldn't want to bother anyone with stupid little problems.....

Yup

I’ve been struggling lately.  A lot.  Basically, it all boils down to “why am I still here?”  I feel I have zero to offer the world at large anymore and any purpose I might have had has been fulfilled.  I really don’t have anything left.  Boys are grown and living their own lives.  Everyone else in my family has their own thing going on.  All that crap about destiny, special purpose, finding my gift, whatever  --  pretty much don’t buy into that anymore.

Yeah, I have friends and I do stuff.  I just don’t know why I’m still doing it all.  I feel like I just take up space and waste time.  Woohoo. 

I’ve always lived my life with a goal.  When I was busy being an advocate for Paganism, the goal was to achieve tolerance.  Well, it will probably never be what I had hoped for, but it’s a far cry better than when I was a kid and Family Services wanted to take my brother and me away because of my family’s religion.  I feel I achieved a great deal, but I need to move on from that.

I have goals in dancing:  get better, get stronger, dance more.  It’s an open-ended goal, and not so easy to say, “Yes, I have achieved this.”  Maybe that’s a danger  --  no real obvious goal to work towards.  Nothing I can really hold up and say, “there – I did this.”

I have started playing music again, and I am helping a friend to achieve a few of his goals in that regard.  It’s fun, and I do have a good time dinking around on the bass again, but I keep asking myself, “what’s the point?”  Yes, it’s fun, and I like to have fun, but I keep thinking I should be doing something worthwhile.

It’s like I’m stuck in a loop of logic.  I know not everything has to have a purpose, and we should be doing things simply for the enjoyment, but more and more I find myself questioning if I’ve ever done anything that was worthwhile.

Maybe I’m just having a mid-life crisis.