I had a minor meltdown in January. It’s taken me a little while to figure what was going on, and I think I’ve got it sorted out now for the most part. I was drinking more than I needed to be, and doing things I knew I shouldn’t be doing, but doing them anyway. That coupled with what I’m sure were meant to be little white lies designed to protect me (or themselves) – it was all a very bad combination that got out of my control in an ugly way.
Now that I’ve had some time to pull my shit back together, I’ve been considering the legend of Inanna and her descent into the Underworld. A few of us talked about it a bit last night, and how her descent represents the stripping away of all that weighs us down and prepares us for initiation. Here is an excellent writing by Dan Sewell Ward that goes into more detail about the symbolism of death and rebirth as it applies to initiation. I find this particular version appealing because of the representation of Erishkegal as the dark half of Inanna and being the vessel for Inanna’s rebirth.
I’m not saying I’ve been through some great initiatory process and I’m all renewed now. I’ve gone through too many little emotional breaks over the years, and I know that’s just not the case, at least for me. But I have learned to take these lessons (as I see them) and learn something from them. Usually it’s something very personal that I won’t necessarily share with the rest of the world. However, with each bit that I learn about myself, the stronger I become, and at the same time I find joy in knowing there is still more to learn about myself.
To that end, here’s something I wrote last week:
“I’m not perfect. Far from it. I’m a little crazy, and when I drink too much, I’m a lot crazy. I’ve been hurt – by people I would have trusted with my life – until I realized my life didn’t mean that much to them. I’ve got issues, problems, just like everyone else. I have a real problem with intimacy. Not physical, but emotional. I can talk a good game, but when it comes right down to it, I’m terrified to open myself to another. I have a bad habit of trusting the wrong people – or maybe I’ve just been letting everyone get away with treating me like I don’t matter. I know I matter, and one day I hope to find someone that thinks I matter, too.
My heart’s been broken many times, but I think I have all the pieces now. I can finally say that no one has a tiny part of me anymore. It’s not without it’s flaws, but my heart is whole. I’m just now learning how to use it again.”
