Some Ramblings on Being Stuck

I’m not really sure what to write about today – I just feel like I need to write.  There was something about emotional expression that’s been rolling around in my head, but I’m not sure how appropriate it would be to make comments about my own responses.

Sometimes, I feel I know someone, then I read something they wrote, usually from a couple of years ago.  Very often there’s a great deal of anger in what I read.  There is a lot of anger and frustration in this world, a lot that folks tend to keep hidden and never express except in the occasional angry bit of writing.  I can understand that.  We do feel the need to keep a bit of peace in our world, despite it all.  But so much of the frustration I see comes from missed opportunities and failing to move forward with a dream or a goal.  So much of the anger is misplaced blame – it’s always someone else’s fault that life has become unbearable. 

Oh, don’t worry.  I hated my life for quite a while.  Then I realized I could change it.  I quit letting other people push me into crap I didn’t want to do and I let a lot of negative people go.  My life is still far from perfect, but I’m getting a handle on it.  Took me long enough, right?

I’ve also come to realize some people just aren’t happy unless they can bitch about how awful their life is and how everyone is out to get them.  Because, you know, otherwise they would have to take responsibility for their actions, and we just can’t have that. 

I certainly don’t think I’m some kind of saint or whatever.  I’m just another person trying to get by and find my little bit of happiness.  I’ve learned some about what it takes to make me happy.  It’s stuff that works for me, but I’m always willing to share what I’ve got – maybe someone else can get something from it, too:

If you take a chance on something, what is the worst that could happen?

Could you live with that?

If you don’t take the chance, could you live with that?  

Is this something YOU want or is this something someone else THINKS you should want? (that’s always been a toughie for me!)

It’s your life – no one else is gonna live it for you.  If you want to be angry, be angry.  Eventually, you really ought to move past it, though.  It’s no fun being stuck.

"Oh, no! She's baring her soul!!"

How much do you feel comfortable sharing about your life?  Me, I don’t care so much anymore.  I’ve had my name (and more) dragged through the muck and mire, have had several people work pretty hard at discrediting me as any sort of an honorable person, been stabbed in the back more times than I can count – oh, it goes on and on.  And I really just don’t care anymore.

So I’ve gotten to a point where sometimes I overshare.  Sometimes I tell people more about myself than I probably should.  Sometimes I express what I’m feeling when it would serve me much better to just keep my mouth shut and leave things as they are.  But then, that’s just me.  At least, it’s me right now.  It was certainly me this past month.

I’ve mentioned before that I am on antidepressants.  It’s just the way it is for me – I take the happy pills and I don’t do anything stupid or crazy.  About a month and a half ago, I decided to try the mail-order service that my insurance offers.  I sent in my brand new script and waited for them to fill it.  When I got my prescription, I noticed that the brand of generic they used was different from any of the other brands I’d had previously.  Didn’t think much of it  --  until about three weeks into the new prescription.

When a person takes antidepressants, it generally takes anywhere from two to four weeks for them to notice a difference.  When a person stops taking their meds, again, it takes about two to four weeks for all of the medication to get out of their system.  Same for changes in prescription as well.  And, as it turns out, it takes about the same amount of time to realize when a prescription just flat isn’t working anymore.  I don’t know why, but for whatever reason, the brand that my insurance company sent had very little effect on me.  I became severely depressed, couldn’t focus or concentrate, obsessed over the dumbest things and said things I really should not have said.  To several people.  Including the guy I was dating.  Argh.

Well, I’m back on a brand of medication that works for me, and I’m doing much better.  It’s only been a week, but my thoughts are much clearer and I’m in control of my actions and reactions again.  Unfortunately, it’s too late to fix the damage that’s been done.  I suppose the only good thing to come out of this is that it’s got me back into the counselor’s office to work on why I freak out so badly over feelings of affection.  Well, that and I may well end up with at least gaining a new friend from the dating experience.  Probably about all I’m good for at this point.

It is frustrating and somewhat distressing to me that I am having so many problems letting anyone get close to me – thus the counseling.  But then, it’s just me, right?  At least, it’s me right now…..

Dancin'

So hey, newsflash!  In case you weren’t aware (or have been living under a rock), I’m a belly dancer.  If you’ve never known a belly dancer or seen them perform, you might have a lot of misconceptions about us.  For example, I’m not a stripper.  I don’t take my clothes off for money, nor do I perform in anything like a “champagne room” or anything like that.  I’m not morally bankrupt, I don’t live in the woods around a bonfire, I won’t steal your children, etc, etc.  However, I am strong, confident and in a lot better health than many women my age.

I also know a lot of other belly dancers.  Here in Springfield, MO, we have a lot of different styles of dancers, and I love that.  Tribal, tribal fusion, oriental (the original Egyptian style) and everything in between.  I’m tribal and tribal fusion myself, but I did get my start in oriental over ten years ago, and as far as I am aware, there is no animosity between the performers around here.  It’s too bad the same can’t be said for other places.

Yesterday, I read a blog by a belly dancer who, from what I gathered, is an oriental dancer (also called “Raks Sharqi” which is supposed to be Arabic for “oriental dance”).  She was pretty harsh towards the tribal dancers who were performing at a show with her troupe.  She said it wasn’t “real belly dancing” and was destroying the integrity of the dance.  Wow!  So much for the strength of the sisterhood!

I suppose if your only interest in belly dancing is to preserve the original artform as it’s practiced in Egypt, Turkey, Israel, etc., then sure, tribal is certainly not about that.  But then, that’s not why I started dancing, either.  I don’t know too many dancers that started for that reason – they are out there, even here in Springfield, and I commend them for wanting to carry on the traditions of the ancient dancers.  But I really have to wonder – did I start dancing for all the wrong reasons?

I dance because I love music and dancing gives me an opportunity to express that love with my whole body.  I dance because I can feel life moving around me and I want to move with it.  Dance helps me express joy and sorrow and love and anger – it’s an outlet for my soul and my spirit.  It makes me so sad to see someone lose touch with that, to the point they can only criticize those around them.  If I’m any good at what I do, it’s because I don’t care if I look foolish.  I’m gonna throw everything I’ve got into it, because that’s what I feel, and I just cannot understand how anyone can separate their heart and their soul from their body like that.

So I don’t think I’m dancing for the wrong reasons.  I don’t think there are wrong reasons.  And I wish more people could see that.

Frustration

After years of what I’m sure was an abusive situation, I learned to not trust my feelings and intuition.  I have since worked very hard to learn how I might begin to trust my intuition again, but it’s not going as well as I had hoped.  Unfortunately, it’s become a major hindrance in developing relationships.  Case in point, I have made very few new friends in the past couple of years.  I have a lot of trouble trusting people now, which is weird because for so long, I was more than willing to trust just about anyone until they proved me wrong. 

I don’t like being paranoid and untrusting.  It feels foreign to me.  It’s creating a lot of problems for me in other parts of my life as well.  Granted, it can be a great protection in the world of dating when you’re trying to avoid all the weirdos and creeps, but what happens when you meet someone who is genuinely real and you’re still paranoid? 

I’ve spent a lot of energy and time keeping people at arm’s length, and I’m tired of it.  At the same time, I’m absolutely terrified of being hurt again.  Have you ever seen this video?

That’s kind of what I feel like sometimes.  Walls up, walls down, walls up, walls down…..  I’m gonna burn out the motor if I keep this up.

I think I need to go meditate.