Faith No More (with apologies to Billy Gould)

Faith. Destiny. A Higher Power. So many people build their entire lives on what they believe is a pre-ordained destiny, searching for their life's purpose, expecting to find some sort of Great Truth given to them by a Higher Power. They put all their faith into this, dedicating their lives to doing good or denying themselves certain pleasures because they believe this will bring them closer to whatever great purpose they are supposed to reach. Prayers are offered, sacrifices are made, every little happenstance is seen as a sign that they are on the right path.

Some lose faith, some don't. Some continue on, blindly following what they believe is the “only true way.” But I've always been fascinated with those that stop following that path – what happens? Where do they lose that faith and how do they live their lives afterwards?

How do you find purpose after you lose faith?

For every person that puts their lives on a path based solely on faith and destiny, there is another who has lived a life without bowing to the pressures of sacrifice or prayer. They don't attend a church or believe in any sort of horrible afterlife for those that don't.

(By the same token, these people also manage to live within the confines of law and morality without religion and spirituality, but that's a blog for another time!)

I know there are goals that folks work towards – health issues, acceptance of any number of things that are considered marginal, even physical achievements. But after a lifetime of working towards something esoteric, how difficult is it to redefine your vision?

So, yeah – seems like everything I've done in my life for the last twenty-five years has been with a view towards spirituality. After all these years, a lot has changed for me. I'm not looking towards faith or any sort of destiny anymore. All the plans I had when I was younger are gone, and the big push to be a great High Priestess is no more. I don't feel the need to sacrifice myself to give what I can to those around me.

Because you know what happens when you try to help others? Nothing.

As soon as folks are better, on their feet, happy, whatever, they forget you. There are people out there I would have cut off my arm for, gave them everything I possibly could and then some, helped them through some of the toughest times of their lives. I've learned that's the quickest way to end a friendship. So for all that I've always thought was the best way for me to be, I was obviously very wrong.

It's a strange feeling to be focusing on my own wants and needs. Is it selfish? Should I care? It's not like I'm robbing banks or kicking puppies. But I am having trouble finding purpose and identifying what makes me happy now. I need new goals. I have some in mind, but they would require a few changes I'm not quite ready to make just yet.

I know I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who do not create their goals based on any sort of divinity or spirituality. I'm curious to know how you come to your goals and dreams. Coming out of a lifetime of believing in a destiny is a little disorienting! 

PS. - Billy Gould is the bass player and a founding member of the band Faith No More.  Just so you know.

Happy Whatever-you-celebrate

Holidays.  Yippee.

Oh, and the end of the world.  Forgot about that.  Sigh.

Ok, so when everyone wakes up Saturday morning and everything is still there and we go on about our business as usual, I’ll be sad.  Because it will be business as usual.  There will be no great revelations by the masses.  There will be no savior to suddenly appear and help us all get our shit together.  It’ll just be us, like it was yesterday and the day before, looking at each other, waiting for someone else to do something to make the world a better place.

I was fortunate enough to have an acquaintance a few years ago whose fascination with the Mayan theory of the end of the world led him to do a massive amount of research into it.  Apparently the Mayans were able to chart dates back for thousands of years with complete accuracy, noted celestial happenings that the rest of the world didn’t even notice, and managed to predict solar and lunar eclipses far into what was their future.  So the calendar ending is something a lot of folks looked at as a prediction of the end of time and, logically following that through, the end of the world. Well, not so much.

It is the end of A time, not all time.  Mayans measured time in various units, some that encompassed thousands of years.  It just so happens that we are at the end of a cycle of time called a baktun or a long count (7,886 years).  And you know what happens when one ends?  Another one begins.

Ok, so there may be some celestial things going on, too – I’m not real up-to-date on all of that.  But that doesn’t mean everything is going to come crashing down around us.  Hell, I’d be thrilled to see some real change in this world, but I’m not holding my breath.  The only thing I really can do is change myself.

So back to the holidays.  I like the time off.  I like getting to see my boys for more than ten minutes at a time.  I really dislike all the pressure to SPEND! SPEND! SPEND!  That’s just ridiculous.  Seriously, if all these “war on Christmas” people were really concerned with having their holiday taken away, shouldn’t they stop contributing to the commercialization of it?

Maybe that’s what will come to an end – the insane need to overspend and buy crap that will be broken or abandoned within the week.

I’m gonna go spend some time with my boys, before it all comes crashing down on us.

This Point

I often wish there was some way I could capture my experiences and find some way to share what I've learned. Like distill it into a bottle and give out little samples. I don't know if it would do anyone else any good, but maybe if one other person can learn from my experiences, it would be worth it.

For instance, I feel like I've spent years trying to learn who I am and what I really want out of my life. Honestly, isn't that what everyone does? It seems like an intelligent person comes to a point where they look at themselves in a mirror and say, “Just what the hell DO you want?” And, oh, yes, I've read tons of self-help guides from all the feel-good gurus. What I've discovered is, what works for them does not always work for the rest of us. Maybe in some ways all those books and websites and cds did give me a way to find what does work for me, but surely there's an easier way to get to this point.

Anyway, “this point” is what I'm working on today. “This point” kind of feels like being on the other side of a very dark forest (fire swamps and rodents of unusual size, anyone?). “This point” is realizing I'm doing what I want to do without fear.

You know what's really crazy about that? The hardest part was just doing it. I had a gazillion excuses as to why I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. But something weird has happened....as soon as I pushed myself to do just one thing, I've suddenly found myself capable of doing everything. And there has been a very definite change in how I feel, too.

I wish everyone could find the strength to do just one thing they really want to do, but I have no idea how to convince people to try it. I suspect it's a lot like skydiving – not that I have any desire to skydive. I just think it's like overcoming that fear. Once you can do just that one thing, like jumping out of a plane, you find it's possible to do whatever you want.

I do know one of my fears has always been success. There are people in my life who would rather see me stay down and be miserable instead of succeeding. It's taken me a long time to realize that if I do succeed and find my happiness and those people can't be happy for me, then those are people I don't need around me, anyway. I'm sure everyone in this world has people around them that try to keep them on that level of mediocrity. And maybe that's where our greatest difficulty lies – learning to stop listening to those people and learning to listen to ourselves, instead.

Try, just for today, to do one thing you've always wanted to.  Maybe today will be your point.

My One and Only Post on the Election

Ok.

I’ve been relatively quiet on politics for the last year.  It’s over now.  There will be no sudden change to Socialism, Marxism, Communism or whatever the hell people were screaming about last week.  No one is losing gun rights (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/19/obama-guns_n_1985826.html).   God has not struck everyone down due to “the gays” or whatever.

Since the last four years were spent primarily trying to prove the President was unworthy (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2012/09/18/our_objective_is_to_stop_obama  http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/david/mcconnell-stopping-obamas-re-election-still), how about everyone just stop being nasty towards each other and actually find a way to work TOGETHER?  There is absolutely no way this country can move forward as long as people still insist on a bunch of crap that is either only half true or completely untrue.

Think for a minute – way back in the Middle Ages, the Catholic Church had a very handy way of controlling the masses and making sure they got everything their way.  Learning to read or write was restricted to only the aristocracy and the Church itself, leaving most of the people in Europe uneducated and ignorant.  Any information given to the masses came from the Church and the ruling class, so they pretty much just told people what they wanted – like the world was flat, and witches were in league with the Devil and were responsible for the evils of the world, and if you didn’t go to church and give money, you were going to hell.  The Church would make crap up just to scare the masses into behaving, because the last thing the Church wanted was calm, educated people thinking for themselves.

Personally, I don’t think it helps anyone to focus so hard on politics.  Most of that is beyond my reach or even my scope of concern (except when men think they need to tell me what to do with my body – that’s a big NO right there).  Rather than freaking out over something that MIGHT be true or over a bit of information that really has no bearing one way or the other (….he’s BLACK????  Yeah, I’m not stupid – a lot of it was about race), how about we try to find ways to work together and make things better for everyone?

Please don’t tell me we can’t.  There’s nothing stopping anyone from working towards a common goal.  We’ve externalized so much during this election because we were TOLD there were all these horrible things that MIGHT happen.  Um, I kinda don’t care.  It is completely pointless to rail against supposition.  If we keep expending all our energy against boogie men, we will never be able to pull together.  But then again, if we’re all scared of the dark, we become a lot easier to control.

Baby Steps

I know what I did.  I knew I had done it when I did it.  I did it on purpose.  It was completely and totally necessary at the time so I could heal and become a whole person again.

I’m not saying I’m perfect at this point or that I won’t have a stupid meltdown again in the future.  I’m not a super hero.  But the walls --  it’s time for them to come down.

It’s an absolutely terrifying prospect.  The thought of allowing myself to be open and vulnerable with another human being makes my heart race (not in a good way) and kind of makes me feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.  But I’m a helluva lot stronger now, and I know I can’t spend the rest of my life pushing people away from me.

You know how when you’re younger, you keep thinking things will be easier when you’re older and you understand the world a little more?  Yeah, that doesn’t seem to be happening, at least not for me.  I suspect that’s the case for the majority of people.  It’s one of those things I’ve had to learn in recent years, mostly in order to keep my sanity.  Life is a mystery, right?  The best we can do is find good folks to have around us and just enjoy the ride.

I’m out of practice when it come to dealing with people on anything other than a semi-professional level, so if you are a friends of mine and I come across as rather awkward and weird for a bit, it’s because I’m trying to find my footing again.  Baby steps……

Remembering Stuff

The leaves are changing color.  The air is a lot chillier when I step outside to head to work in the mornings.  For the first time in a very long time, we didn’t make the mad rush to get ready for school before the start of the semester, and I feel like something is amiss.  And yet, I can still feel the pull of nostalgia  --  the leaves, the wind, a light drizzle, dark mornings, goose bumps, wood burning in a fireplace….

I find myself in a very strange place.  I’ve been on my own for three years now, yet I constantly feel as if I’m starting over.  I want to be there for my children, but when we spend time together, I’m reminded that they are now grown men, men who have deep voices and shave and can go into bars….when the hell did that happen?  I know I put a lot of my own life on hold so I could make sure they made it to this point, and I’m trying to reclaim that part again.  I realized a few days ago that I’m experiencing the effects of arrested development  --  I find myself trying to pick up where I left off at the age of 23, and I don’t think that’s working out quite like I expected.  But on the other hand, I have a LOT more time to devote to myself and my interests, without having to rush off to marching band performances or pay for trips to Hawaii.  And it’s not that I have any regrets about the time and money spent on my boys – I wouldn’t change any of it!  I mean, come on….they went to Hawaii!  I’ve never even been to California.

I’m trying to change my mindset.  I don’t need to take care of anyone anymore, not even a spouse.  That gives a lot more time to turn my attention towards ME.  I feel slightly selfish for it, too.  And terrified.  My inner dialogue becomes something like this:

“Hm.  Ok, where did I leave off?  Man, I was in great shape when I was younger  --  let’s see…..OH MY GOD!!!  WHAT IS THAT???”

Yeah, it’s not pretty.  I do have a little bit of an excuse there – the ex would lose his mind if I tried to lose weight or get into shape.  He was convinced that the only reason I wanted to get into shape was to find someone new so I could leave him.  In addition to not being able to lose any weight, I ended up gaining a total of fifty pounds because of that.  And since I’m older now, it’s a lot more difficult to get all that goo off of me.

It’s not just the physical stuff, though.  I didn’t realize how off-kilter my mental state had become.  Every day, it becomes clearer to me.  Oh, yes, I am working to fix that, too.  For a while I was concerned that occupying myself with dance and music was just a way to escape who I am, but I’ve come to realize that those things ARE who I am.  The fat, depressed basket-case is still lurking somewhere just around the corner, but she’s getting further and further away.

I suspect my renewed sense of nostalgia comes from remembering my old self.  It’s actually a good thing to be able to feel that part of myself again.  It was gone for a long time.  I couldn’t find any real joy in the changing of the seasons and I’m very grateful to have this feeling again.  A part of the healing process?  I believe it is.

This Looks Like A Nice Rock to Hide Under

Confidence.  That’s supposed to be my number one problem right now – I don’t have any.  Sure, that can be a problem, but it could also be a good thing, I think.  Without confidence, there’s no massive ego.  Without confidence, I don’t run the risk of making a fool of myself.  Without confidence, I’ll never try to take credit for something I didn’t do.  Hell, most of the time, I don’t take credit for what I DID do, unless it was something I did wrong, in which case I have no problem taking credit for it.

Ok, so most of that was sarcasm.  Yes, I know having no confidence is a serious problem.  I can express an opinion or offer ideas when I get caught up in the moment, but if it comes to saying or doing something on my own, I pretty well suck at it.  I can fake it fairly well – I still remember how to dress nice enough to not embarrass people in public, and I do wear make-up so as not to scare small children.  But that’s about it.

The biggest crime that has come with losing my confidence is I’ve also lost my passion.  Nothing really drives me.  I question everything I try to do, and while I may feel that initial thrill at stepping out and trying to do something that once excited me, after just the briefest amount of time, I start questioning – is this really what I want?  How stupid do I look doing this?  Have I become an embarrassment to those around me?  Then I start thinking how bad I am, and how everyone around me must hate me for making them look bad, too.  I withdraw, isolating myself, convinced the whole thing was a bad idea in the first place.

I hate that.

I would like to gain some confidence in myself again, but I’m not really sure how to go about it.  When I was a kid, I pretty much didn’t care what people thought of me, so it was no problem.  No point in going into why I have no confidence now, but I do wonder if this is normal and I’m just world-weary, or if I should try to rebuild my self-confidence.  I don’t particularly relish the idea of spending the rest of my life standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else follow their dreams.  How does one regain confidence?  Is it even possible?  Does it even matter?

My Opinion

When I was growing up and going to school, we were taught that the USA was the bestest and most wonderfulest country in the world.  With enough hard work and dedication, you could do or be anything you wanted.  Absolutely, I believed it.  We were taught we had the best opportunities, the best schools, the homes, the best cars and we should always be proud of how great it is to live here.  Always.

My childhood was a bit of a struggle, but I had faith.  I truly believed that if I worked hard enough, I’d get everything I ever wanted and be happy.  After all, Abraham Lincoln grew up in a log cabin, and look what he did!  So I did well in school, and even though I didn’t finish college, I worked hard at my job and did the best I could – which, it turned out, didn’t matter because of the sexist attitude of management – but that was ok, because I knew I could get a better job and still have that great life! 

Ok, yes, I did end up dropping that dream of becoming an actress.  I was told by several teachers and competition judges that I did have talent, but somehow I just never managed to get to anyplace where I might actually get paid for that talent.  But it was ok.  I met a wonderful man, got married and started to settle down.

A mere handful of days after my first son was born, I watched the beginning of the Gulf War as it unfolded on TV.  I was shaken to my core.  Talk of reinstating the draft had been tossed about then, and for the first time in my adult life, I honestly feared what the government could do to our family.  Up until that point, I firmly believed in our rights as citizens, but it never occurred to me what it might be like to be forced into doing something I didn’t believe in.

My marriage didn’t last.  For a while, I found out what fun it was being a single parent with two young boys to raise on my own.  I worked, but I couldn’t afford daycare – but I also made too much money to get any sort of assistance for daycare.  I was very fortunate to have an incredibly patient and understanding boss who would let me bring my youngest to work with me any time I couldn’t get someone to watch him.  I kept plugging along, working diligently, just knowing in my heart of hearts, one day I would make it.

When I was laid off, I took the opportunity to go to school and learn a new trade.  I did very well, became certified in AutoCAD drafting, got a job, and absolutely hated it.  I stumbled a bit.  I didn’t know what to do at that point.  My dream was starting to become a lot foggier.

I tried to work things out with the boys’ father.  We decided it was in the boys’ best interest to work together and give them a good life, even if our dreams had been set back a bit.  But even then, there were good things to look forward to – we decided to have a house built, a beautiful home where I could pick my own carpet and finishing touches.  We started looking in September, 2001.

Please understand, I still love living here.  I know there are plenty of other places in this world where I would be dead by now for what I believe and even for expressing myself like I do.  I still like to believe there are opportunities for people, just not people like me.  You see, I’ve lost a lot of faith in all the crap I was told when I was a kid.  I find it hard to believe the rest of the world loves us as much as I was told back then.  And I’ve seen some of the most horrible things happen to this country and it’s people since September, 2001.

Me personally, I lost that innocence that said, yes, we are the greatest.  I think a lot of people did.  Some of them were able to pick up the pieces and recognize that we, as a nation, need to start working together with the rest of the world instead of being arrogant and acting like we should be the world police, or whatever it is we thought we were.  But then there are these other people who seem to think we can just shove everything back together and make ourselves out to be that great, arrogant nation and the rest of the world be damned.  Who cares about rights and constitutions and tolerance and peace?  More patriotism!  More churches!  More prisons!

Sigh….

Change is scary.  Especially when that change involves everything you’ve ever believed about your home.  I know I’ve been trying to create some semblance of normalcy for myself for a very long time now.  I’ve come to accept that it just doesn’t exist, at least not in the way I had always been told.  Some people will never be able to accept it, and so I believe we will have this division within our country for many, many years.  For those that are hoping to rebuild our nation in a new light, it will be an uphill battle, but I believe it’s absolutely necessary for our survival.

The world is a much smaller place now.  We really should learn how to get along with our neighbors.

What if We're Praying to the Wrong God?

I was taught that Deity (Gods, Goddesses, The Powers That Be, whatever you believe in) will give you only what you can handle or what you need. It almost sounds as if offering prayers or asking for anything is a waste of time, yet – as we state in our rituals – we offer our prayers.

But what if you pray to your Deity and whatever it is that you're requesting goes incredibly wrong? You do your ritual, make your offerings, implore your God or Goddess to help maybe move the energies about a bit to facilitate whatever it is you're needing, then go about your business – everything we're taught from day one about spellwork. Then things start moving just as you had requested. Looks like your spell is in motion! Hooray!

And then.....it all goes insanely crazy wrong. You get the money you need to cover your bills, but as soon as you pay them, a huge emergency pops up and you have no way to take care of it. You receive the job offer you were hoping for, but the terms have changed and you'll be making a lot less than you were before. You finally meet a seemingly wonderful person, but as time goes by, you realize this person is absolute the worst possible human being on the face of the planet – and they are never going to leave you alone.

What the hell????

Well, it occurred to me – what if we're offering our prayers to the wrong Deity? I'm not saying we should all drop Paganism and start practicing Christianity, because I've seen plenty of Christians that have identical problems. But here's the thing.....just about everyone I know chooses who they offer prayers to. Every once in a while, I do hear about someone chosen by their Deity, but that doesn't seem to happen too often. So....what if we've been choosing the wrong God? And when we pray to the wrong God, what if we just piss them off and they think it's funny to mess with us? You know, let us think everything is gonna be groovy, then yank the rug out from under us right when everything is good.

Just a thought.....

It's Not All My Fault

I wish it hadn’t taken so long for me to realize this, but everything that has gone wrong in my life is not entirely my fault.  Every failed relationship, every lost opportunity – it’s not necessarily all because of things I’ve done.

I’m not saying my life has been nothing but a bunch of failures.  There’s a lot that I’m quite proud of -  my boys, my various bands, my dance troupes, my amazing, strong, talented friends and family  -  but like any normal person, there have been disappointments, too.  I have taken each and every one of them very personally.  Especially those failed relationships.

I know everyone in the world probably sits there and wracks their brain, trying to understand why a relationship went wrong.  I’ve spent hours replaying conversations in my head, trying to figure out if it was what I said or didn’t say, or maybe the way I looked or the way I responded.  I’ve made myself crazy trying to decipher at what exact point did I screw everything up.  And it never occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t all my fault.

I don’t know why I never thought of that before.  I’ve always just automatically assumed I was the one the screwed everything up.  Well, ok, there was one guy in Texas who was certifiably mentally unstable who smashed a mirror with his hand, then held a knife to his chest, telling me I should just shove it into his heart.  Yeah, I ran like hell from that one!  Pretty sure that wasn’t all me!

So except for the one in Texas, I’ve just always thought I was the one that failed to make a relationship work.  I was the one who couldn’t be flexible or understanding enough or giving enough…..never the other way around.  And of course, there are always plenty of people to tell me, yes, it’s all my fault.  Well, I don’t think that’s the case.  I think the only thing I’ve been guilty of is wanting so badly to be loved and be a part of a couple that I was willing to look past anything bad and just try to make it work.

Ok, maybe I wasn’t the best partner in my relationships, but there was always another person, not just me.  Take the father of my boys.  He’s a great guy, and I think the world of him, but we had no business getting together, let alone getting married!  He’s a small town boy, rather reclusive, low-key  --  in other words, my exact opposite.  But he had a stability I craved, and that was something I wanted for any family I might have.  I can only guess at what he saw in me, but I do know he thought I would change after we got married.  He thought we would move back to a small town and I’d give up the music and the social life.  Sigh. 

Of course, looking back, we can both see the flaws in our grand plans.  He really should have settled down with someone a little less social than myself, and I should have just gone on the road with Queensryche  --  but on the other hand, we wouldn’t have our boys if we hadn’t gotten together.  Anyway, the point is, I wasn’t the only one that made a mistake there.  We both had unrealistic expectations  - - I wasn’t the only one that messed up.

I wish I could have understood that years ago.  And I also wish I knew why I thought it was all my fault for so long.  That’s a lot of pain and guilt to carry around for such a long time.

It's Official....

I don’t know shit about relationships. 

For years, I thought I was pretty sharp about love and relationships and what it took to keep one going.  After all, I had been in a relationship of one sort or another since I was in high school.  But therein lies the problem – I never managed to maintain the same relationship for more than a few years.  I would date a guy, live with a guy, even married a couple, but it would all blow up in my face and I’d either dump him or he’d dump me and I’d me single again – for a couple of months, anyway.  I was never single for more than six months, and my life went that way for over twenty five years.  Until now.

Oh, sure, I’ve dated a few guys, but nothing’s been serious.  Not what you would call a solid relationship.  There were a couple that I thought had become relationships, because, you know, we talked about it and decided that’s what we wanted.  Silly me.  Why on earth should I actually accept someone’s words? 

So here I am, nearly three years single.  I’ve learned a lot, and one of the biggest things I’ve learned is that I don’t actually know anything.  My apologies to those of you younger than myself, but I’m afraid it doesn’t get any easier.  And at this point, I’m even wondering if it’s worth the effort anymore.

Some Ramblings on Being Stuck

I’m not really sure what to write about today – I just feel like I need to write.  There was something about emotional expression that’s been rolling around in my head, but I’m not sure how appropriate it would be to make comments about my own responses.

Sometimes, I feel I know someone, then I read something they wrote, usually from a couple of years ago.  Very often there’s a great deal of anger in what I read.  There is a lot of anger and frustration in this world, a lot that folks tend to keep hidden and never express except in the occasional angry bit of writing.  I can understand that.  We do feel the need to keep a bit of peace in our world, despite it all.  But so much of the frustration I see comes from missed opportunities and failing to move forward with a dream or a goal.  So much of the anger is misplaced blame – it’s always someone else’s fault that life has become unbearable. 

Oh, don’t worry.  I hated my life for quite a while.  Then I realized I could change it.  I quit letting other people push me into crap I didn’t want to do and I let a lot of negative people go.  My life is still far from perfect, but I’m getting a handle on it.  Took me long enough, right?

I’ve also come to realize some people just aren’t happy unless they can bitch about how awful their life is and how everyone is out to get them.  Because, you know, otherwise they would have to take responsibility for their actions, and we just can’t have that. 

I certainly don’t think I’m some kind of saint or whatever.  I’m just another person trying to get by and find my little bit of happiness.  I’ve learned some about what it takes to make me happy.  It’s stuff that works for me, but I’m always willing to share what I’ve got – maybe someone else can get something from it, too:

If you take a chance on something, what is the worst that could happen?

Could you live with that?

If you don’t take the chance, could you live with that?  

Is this something YOU want or is this something someone else THINKS you should want? (that’s always been a toughie for me!)

It’s your life – no one else is gonna live it for you.  If you want to be angry, be angry.  Eventually, you really ought to move past it, though.  It’s no fun being stuck.

"Oh, no! She's baring her soul!!"

How much do you feel comfortable sharing about your life?  Me, I don’t care so much anymore.  I’ve had my name (and more) dragged through the muck and mire, have had several people work pretty hard at discrediting me as any sort of an honorable person, been stabbed in the back more times than I can count – oh, it goes on and on.  And I really just don’t care anymore.

So I’ve gotten to a point where sometimes I overshare.  Sometimes I tell people more about myself than I probably should.  Sometimes I express what I’m feeling when it would serve me much better to just keep my mouth shut and leave things as they are.  But then, that’s just me.  At least, it’s me right now.  It was certainly me this past month.

I’ve mentioned before that I am on antidepressants.  It’s just the way it is for me – I take the happy pills and I don’t do anything stupid or crazy.  About a month and a half ago, I decided to try the mail-order service that my insurance offers.  I sent in my brand new script and waited for them to fill it.  When I got my prescription, I noticed that the brand of generic they used was different from any of the other brands I’d had previously.  Didn’t think much of it  --  until about three weeks into the new prescription.

When a person takes antidepressants, it generally takes anywhere from two to four weeks for them to notice a difference.  When a person stops taking their meds, again, it takes about two to four weeks for all of the medication to get out of their system.  Same for changes in prescription as well.  And, as it turns out, it takes about the same amount of time to realize when a prescription just flat isn’t working anymore.  I don’t know why, but for whatever reason, the brand that my insurance company sent had very little effect on me.  I became severely depressed, couldn’t focus or concentrate, obsessed over the dumbest things and said things I really should not have said.  To several people.  Including the guy I was dating.  Argh.

Well, I’m back on a brand of medication that works for me, and I’m doing much better.  It’s only been a week, but my thoughts are much clearer and I’m in control of my actions and reactions again.  Unfortunately, it’s too late to fix the damage that’s been done.  I suppose the only good thing to come out of this is that it’s got me back into the counselor’s office to work on why I freak out so badly over feelings of affection.  Well, that and I may well end up with at least gaining a new friend from the dating experience.  Probably about all I’m good for at this point.

It is frustrating and somewhat distressing to me that I am having so many problems letting anyone get close to me – thus the counseling.  But then, it’s just me, right?  At least, it’s me right now…..

Dancin'

So hey, newsflash!  In case you weren’t aware (or have been living under a rock), I’m a belly dancer.  If you’ve never known a belly dancer or seen them perform, you might have a lot of misconceptions about us.  For example, I’m not a stripper.  I don’t take my clothes off for money, nor do I perform in anything like a “champagne room” or anything like that.  I’m not morally bankrupt, I don’t live in the woods around a bonfire, I won’t steal your children, etc, etc.  However, I am strong, confident and in a lot better health than many women my age.

I also know a lot of other belly dancers.  Here in Springfield, MO, we have a lot of different styles of dancers, and I love that.  Tribal, tribal fusion, oriental (the original Egyptian style) and everything in between.  I’m tribal and tribal fusion myself, but I did get my start in oriental over ten years ago, and as far as I am aware, there is no animosity between the performers around here.  It’s too bad the same can’t be said for other places.

Yesterday, I read a blog by a belly dancer who, from what I gathered, is an oriental dancer (also called “Raks Sharqi” which is supposed to be Arabic for “oriental dance”).  She was pretty harsh towards the tribal dancers who were performing at a show with her troupe.  She said it wasn’t “real belly dancing” and was destroying the integrity of the dance.  Wow!  So much for the strength of the sisterhood!

I suppose if your only interest in belly dancing is to preserve the original artform as it’s practiced in Egypt, Turkey, Israel, etc., then sure, tribal is certainly not about that.  But then, that’s not why I started dancing, either.  I don’t know too many dancers that started for that reason – they are out there, even here in Springfield, and I commend them for wanting to carry on the traditions of the ancient dancers.  But I really have to wonder – did I start dancing for all the wrong reasons?

I dance because I love music and dancing gives me an opportunity to express that love with my whole body.  I dance because I can feel life moving around me and I want to move with it.  Dance helps me express joy and sorrow and love and anger – it’s an outlet for my soul and my spirit.  It makes me so sad to see someone lose touch with that, to the point they can only criticize those around them.  If I’m any good at what I do, it’s because I don’t care if I look foolish.  I’m gonna throw everything I’ve got into it, because that’s what I feel, and I just cannot understand how anyone can separate their heart and their soul from their body like that.

So I don’t think I’m dancing for the wrong reasons.  I don’t think there are wrong reasons.  And I wish more people could see that.

Frustration

After years of what I’m sure was an abusive situation, I learned to not trust my feelings and intuition.  I have since worked very hard to learn how I might begin to trust my intuition again, but it’s not going as well as I had hoped.  Unfortunately, it’s become a major hindrance in developing relationships.  Case in point, I have made very few new friends in the past couple of years.  I have a lot of trouble trusting people now, which is weird because for so long, I was more than willing to trust just about anyone until they proved me wrong. 

I don’t like being paranoid and untrusting.  It feels foreign to me.  It’s creating a lot of problems for me in other parts of my life as well.  Granted, it can be a great protection in the world of dating when you’re trying to avoid all the weirdos and creeps, but what happens when you meet someone who is genuinely real and you’re still paranoid? 

I’ve spent a lot of energy and time keeping people at arm’s length, and I’m tired of it.  At the same time, I’m absolutely terrified of being hurt again.  Have you ever seen this video?

That’s kind of what I feel like sometimes.  Walls up, walls down, walls up, walls down…..  I’m gonna burn out the motor if I keep this up.

I think I need to go meditate.

30 Days to a Better YOU!!!

I’m a sucker for all that self-help crap.  How can I make my life better?  I’ll bet Deepak Chopra can tell me how!  Yeah, I’ve got quite a few books on my shelves, articles bookmarked in my web browser, emails sent to me on a daily basis, all telling me how I can improve my life and find a more fulfilling existence.  There’s a BIG problem with all of that, though….

These wonderful, grand ideas work – for THOSE people.  Not necessarily for me.  As lovely an idea as it is to think someone else can tell you how to find your bliss, it’s just not gonna happen that easily.  If it did, we’d all be wandering about with goofy-ass grins plastered all over our faces all the time.  Reality isn’t that cut and dried.

I’ve spent years beating myself up for all the things I’ve done wrong, according to all these self-help gurus.  My relationships have failed because I moved to quickly/slowly/didn’t say the right things/didn’t do the right things/dated the wrong guy/dated the right guy but had the wrong friends, etc, etc, etc…..  For every circumstance, I can find some pithy bit of advice that affirms what I did was right and another one that tells me what I did was wrong.  It will absolutely make a person crazy!  I should know, right?

However….I have learned something from all these people who are so eager to help out their fellow humans.  They actually were able to find some little trick or path or something that helped them to a better life.  So it would stand to reason that if they can do it for themselves, then every single one of us should be able to do the exact same thing.  No one else in the world really knows what it’s going to take to make YOU happy except YOU.  Why should you rely on some complete stranger who just happened to write a book to tell you what it’s going to take?  Ok, sure, some of these folks have written some amazing bits of wisdom, and some of it is even worth reading and considering – sometimes another person’s truth might work for you on some level, but I think it’s a big mistake to commit to another person’s path, heart and soul, without first considering what’s in your OWN heart and soul.

The hedonist’s credo is “if it feels good, do it.”  There’s a lot of truth to that.  Recently I’ve been involved in a lot of conversations that generally end up with, “well, two consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want without outside interference.”  It’s something to which I very much agree.  I tend to think that a great deal of our unhappiness is of our own making – “sure, it’s ok for other people to do what they want….but I can’t.”  Well, why the hell not?  The only person stopping you from doing anything is you.  Seriously!  Of course, I can only present myself as an example…..

I’ve had expectations put upon me by other people because of my role as a “religious leader” (a laughable title, at best).  I have spent years maintaining this nice little façade of peacekeeper, trying to smooth over any dust-ups between my friends and making sure gatherings go well.  Couldn’t have anything disruptive that might make anyone look bad!  And most of all, I had to make sure I watched what I said and did so it wouldn’t reflect badly on anyone else.  Of course, no one else has ever thought to have the same considerations.  So I’ve turned myself inside out, developed an ulcer, had more sleepless nights than I can count, all in the name of trying to create this Utopian Pagan community that I thought we had to have because that’s what so many people said we needed.

What people say they want and what they actually want are two very different things.  At least, that has been my observation. 

It’s not a popular stance, because people like me are expected to sacrifice ourselves, our needs and our wants for the betterment of everyone else around us.  I’m not gonna do that anymore.  Like Inanna, I’ve descended into the depths, been stripped away of everything that mattered, and I’ve returned, reborn and renewed, but not in the way most might expect.  I’m actually happy this time.  I’ve finally figured out what I want, and it’s nothing like what I thought I wanted.  I thought I was tired and burned out – turns out I’ve simply been pursuing the wrong path.  Thank goodness I figured it out before it was too late!

Could you imagine that?  Spending your whole life trying to achieve a goal because someone else said that’s what you’re supposed to do?  How miserable would a person be?  Think about all the people in this world who do things like deny their own sexuality or work to live their lives at a certain socio-economical level that they secretly despise or refuse to eat carbs because that’s what they were told to do.  What is the point to that?  We work so hard to make ourselves miserable, then turn around and expect someone else to tell us how to be happy when it’s all right there in front of us.

Follow your heart.  Trust your instincts.  If you’re unhappy, ask yourself “why?”  It’s never too late to find your bliss – don’t wait.  Life is too short to be unhappy.

And……go!

How Soon?

We've all been there - you meet someone for the first time, but it feels like you've known them forever.  The conversation is easy and the time seems to just fly by.  You look forward to seeing them again and when you do get back together, it's as if no time has passed and you pick up right where you left off.  It's easy and it's comfortable.

I can count on one hand the number of times something like that has happened to me.  Those people became fast friends, people who would do anything, no matter what, to help out or do anything they could to make life better.  Those people left lasting impressions on my life, too. 

I've met another one.  I've known this person for just over a month now, and .... well, I hope this person is around for a long time.  For a lot of reasons.  It's not just the borderline obsession with "Star Trek" and "Star Wars."  It's not just the mindblowing conversations about God and the Universe and Everything.  It's not just the shared disdain for chick flicks (even Brit liked those damn things - "Pretty Woman" was her favorite movie....*shudder*).

There's more.  But it's early yet.  If the years have taught me anything, it's patience.  Well, maybe not, but I do know a month isn't long enough to really get to know someone, even if I do feel like I already know them.  In time....

It's Time

It is my hope that every person who embarks upon a spiritual journey or self-exploration realizes in time that where we start is very rarely where we end up.  I have spent many wonderful and happy years working with people here and across the country, teaching and learning, expanding my knowledge and seeking to understand what it means to be closer to one’s God(s).  I honestly never thought I would come to this point.  It’s something I’ve been struggling with for some time now as I’m sure those that actually read my little bit of blogginess are well aware.

I can no longer work under the title of “High Priestess” or “Wiccan clergy.”  The study group has been on hiatus for a couple of months now, and in that time I have realized I needed to really look closely at what it meant for me to be a Priestess or a minister and it no longer means what it used to some years back.  If I do decide to continue teaching on any spiritual path, it will have to be of my own understandings. 

The non-profit organization will remain in effect.  Pagan Pride Day will continue.  If there is to be a continuation of the study group, well, I have to know there are people interested.  I love having an open discussion group available, provided it doesn’t get monopolized by any one person.

I will also continue to spew forth upon my blog from time to time, maybe about my personal life or maybe about some spiritual epiphany that’s struck me.  However, I do believe I’m finished with politics and pop psychology.  What the hell do I know about love and the human race?  People do things every day that I do not understand, and I can’t pretend like everything is gonna be ok as long as we all have love in our lives (sorry, Sir Paul).  The human life is such an incredibly personal journey for every single one of us.  If you want to know what I think, I’ll tell you, but outside of that, I am completely in the dark. 

Think about it – I’ve been single for almost three years now.

Couple of weeks ago, someone actually did ask me what I thought God was, and what the human soul consisted of.  That was fun.  It helps me to be able to put stuff like that into words, to see if it makes any sense at all.  Which is kind of funny when you think about how irrational the entire concept of religion really is.

If you truly feel passionate about something, follow your bliss.  But don’t do it because someone else thinks you should.  Trust your heart and trust your gut.  Talk with someone if you need help grasping a concept, but don’t just accept others’ interpretations out of hand.  Think for yourself.  It’s ok to get angry at injustices and it’s ok to be happy about triumphs.  Don’t be afraid to feel.  Don’t be afraid to open yourself to another.

(More than offering these things as thoughts to ponder, I write them down to remind myself, because I forget all the time…..)

I've Lost the Muse

I’ve lost the muse.

Well, maybe that’s not quite it.  I’ve lost….something.  I’m not sure what caused me to start thinking about this, but my views on spirituality and teaching have taken a strange turn lately.  For a couple of years now, it’s been in the back of my mind that I don’t really enjoy teaching or counseling or trying to be a leader.  I don’t know if it’s burnout or if there’s really something to this.  What I do know is that I’ve spent years working on this plan of doing something good for the Pagan community.  Here we are, some twenty-some-odd years later, and nothing’s really changed.  There will always people who enjoy seeing us in chaos and who enjoy being the protagonist in every situation – they will never change, and as long as others continue to feed into their little dramas, they will always be there, disrupting any good anyone else might have done.

So I feel like I’ve wasted a large chunk of my life.  Here lately, I’ve been bombarded with the question of “is this really what you want out of your life?”  Well, no.  I’ve had to consider why I’m no longer finding satisfaction in the pursuit of spiritual matters, and I’ve come to realize – maybe I don’t necessarily believe all the things I’ve been teaching. 

Of course, that brings me to the next question, just what do I believe?  There’s a loaded question, right?  It would take me forever to try and explain what I do believe.  I do believe in something of a Divine quality, not all-good or all-evil but more like Nature on a much larger scale – It exists, It provides a life-source and I feel on some level there is awareness and knowledge.  I was trying to explain to a guy I dated for a while last year (who happen to be an atheist) how I saw God, and the best answer I could come up with was God is all that space that’s in between the planets and the stars.  God is what keeps it all half-assed organized – that’s what keeps worlds together and keeps our cells from dissipating into the ozone.  Yeah, yeah, I know, there’s a series of chemical compounds and reactions that actually keep it all together, but I do believe there is something, maybe in the tiniest of particles, that works on a level we aren’t able to comprehend.

Back to my original topic  --  trying to figure this all out.  I still consider myself Pagan.  I’m pretty sure the whole concept of working within Universal life forces and all my other beliefs don’t qualify me as one of the Book religions.  I’m not charismatic enough to start my own religion (or cult!), so that’s out of the question.  In the meantime, I’m just kind of here.

However, with these changes, I’ve suddenly realized just how much of my life did revolve around spirituality and teaching and all that other stuff.  I’ve lost something in all of this, and it’s pretty huge.  I seem to have misplaced my passion and my drive.  I’ve started wondering, “what’s the point?”  I’ve come to realize, I really don’t know what I want out of life  --  so what the hell am I doing here?  What is the point of existence and what am I supposed to be doing here?

Maybe it’s just a mid-life crisis…..

Acceptance

I’m a little different.  My brain isn’t wired quite like other people’s and as such, I miss a lot of non-verbal communication that most come by naturally.  For instance, I don’t always catch sarcasm or joking around.  I suck at flirting, and when someone is flirting with me, I have no idea.  I can’t tell the difference between someone just being nice to me or coming on to me.  I’m entirely too trusting and I have a hard time understanding why other people can’t just be honest.  My emotional responses don’t always match the circumstances.  I actually had to train myself how to deal with social situations and to respond appropriately.  Thank goodness for all those years of theater!

When I’m tired or stressed, I stutter.  A lot of times during a conversation, my thought patterns start getting circular and I can’t make the words match what I’m thinking.  I do much better in situations where there is some planning beforehand, like a class.  I really enjoy writing, though – it gives me time to organize my thoughts into a more rational and coherent flow.  That’s one of the reasons why I started a blog.  I have things I would like to say, but when I start trying to put it out into a conversation, I stumble and trip over the words and I end up looking like an air-headed flake.  I even attempted a video blog at one point, but after I did my first recording, I realized I look just as bad on video as I do in real life.

For a long time, I hated how flighty I seemed to be to everyone.  I know I’m smart and I do have the ability to put forth some interesting ideas.  Granted, being a chubby, blue-eyed, giggly girly girl tends to take away a good portion of credibility, but deep down, I know what I’m capable of doing.  I thought maturity would help with that image, then I discovered – much to my horror – that I don’t seem to be maturing.  Sure, I’m getting older, but I’m certainly not maturing! 

As recently as two years ago, I still thought it mattered what people think of me.  I put so much effort into being a respectable mom, a diligent employee, a model citizen, blah, blah, blah.  Know what happened?  My boys hated it – their mom is unique and weird and cool….what’s with the normalcy?  My workplace really doesn’t care about my appearance – my work speaks for itself. 

And as for the rest of the world?  They don’t care.  Nor do they matter.

Just over a year ago I said something about rebuilding my life on a new foundation instead of the remnants of my old life.  I have put a lot of distance between myself and those that spent a lot of time judging me.  Now that I’m out of their line of sight, they have turned their attentions to other people they deem beneath them.  You know how it is – some people have to put others down just so they can make themselves feel taller.  But I digress….

I have rebuilt my life, and I am no longer concerned with whether or not my weirdness passes anyone’s muster.  This is who I am.  I think being comfortable with myself was maybe a bit more difficult because I could never really fit neatly into the usual definitions of “normal.”  Fortunately for me, most of my friends are the same way!

For those of you that haven’t met me yet, or have only met me a few times, thank you for indulging me here today.

It has been vitally important for me to find a way to tell my story.  It has also been important to understand why I tell this.  I know there are a lot of people out there who are like me, who find it difficult to reach out to others.  I freely admit to having problems with getting close to people.  Because I am so trusting, unscrupulous people have taken advantage of that on numerous occasions.  I know there are other people out there who have had their worlds shattered by the very ones they trusted with their heart and soul.  So I write about my trials and tribulations in hopes of giving at least one other person some insight and see that it is possible to become yourself.  It is possible to rise above our self-proposed limitations and become our true selves, without boundaries and without bonds.  It’s even possible to do it without all the self-help gurus – each person’s experience is unique and they are the only one that can find their path.

May you find your path.

Is it Karma or Something Else?

When I was a kid, and my mother started teaching me about Pagan spirituality, one of the main things she drilled into my head was essentially a variation on Newton’s Law – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  What you send out returns to you.  Or, as my step-father put it, what goes around, comes around.

Now, I am far from perfect.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’ve done some very questionable things which have caused pain to a lot of people.  It’s not like I’ve set out to be a gigantic bitch or anything, but there’s a lot of times I was just flat clueless that my actions would cause problems down the road.  Ignorance is certainly no excuse and there are some repercussions that I really wish had never happened.  But then again, there have been a few times when I DID know better, but I chose to charge forward, circumstances be damned.  Not real smart….

So I was raised to understand in a Universal version of karmic debt, and because I believed in this, I have also believed that bad circumstances in my life are completely of my own doing.  I’ve allowed some pretty crappy things to go on in my life because of that.  Yes, there have been bad things that came about as a direct response to what I have done, but something new is emerging in this crazy game of reality –

I’m sure everyone is familiar with the concept of creating our own realities, creating our own truths and living our lives as we choose within those definitions.  My definition was “do something bad, pay for it, whether you knew it was bad or not.”  That kind of leads to this weird circular thinking where you start to question absolutely every action you take, because what if this is ok for me, but it causes problems for someone else?  If I drive my car, will the emissions become so noxious for someone, it causes cancer?  If I ride my bike instead, what if someone doesn’t see me until the last second and swerves into another car, causing an accident and financial hardship for someone else?  If I walk, what if I’m late to work and miss some critical situation that causes the entire company to shut down?  I could just stay in bed all day and not do anything…..but I would be a burden someone else then!

We can play “what if” all day, and yes, I know, those are extreme examples, but the mind gets a little squirrelly sometimes.  This sort of faulty logic has caused me to become paralyzed by fear.  For a long time, I was afraid to do anything that might be fun and entertaining because other people in my life didn’t have the same opportunities I did, and they might become upset over it.  How dumb is that?  I’m currently still dealing with issues concerning inter-personal relationships because….well, that’s another story altogether.  But that does bring up the point I’m trying to make.

We do create our own realities.  Whether we choose to create goodness or badness in our lives directly reflects in what goes on around us.  The most difficult thing to do is keeping outside influences OUTSIDE.  There are people who want you to fail, who want you to make those bad choices, because they’ve created their reality to be dark and ugly and they want everyone else around them to be just as miserable as they are.  They are the people that will make a point of telling you everything you are doing is wrong, sometimes subtly, sometimes not so subtly.  They will encourage you to make questionable choices, even when your intuition speaks to you quite loudly.

Does karmic debt exist?  That I can’t say, but I do know now my worst circumstances were created by me because I thought I deserved it.  Years later, I can look back and see that.  If I had known it then, how different the outcome would have been!

We’ve all got to learn to listen to our inner voices and understand what is best and right for us.  We want a good life – make it a good life.  If there is fear, question it, but don’t let it rule your life. 

Sometimes we just have to take that first step.