Why I Had to Quit Being a Priestess

I had reached a point in my life where I couldn’t tell someone “no,” and couldn’t turn down a person that was in trouble who cried that they needed my help.  I was surrounded by sad, lonely individuals who constantly cried to me how they neeeeeeeeded my help and gosh, I was just so understanding and always made them feel so much better.  And for a while, that was good enough for me.  I was helping (or at least was trying to help) these poor lost souls who felt as though they had been pushed to the edge of society where no one cared about them, except me.  Sure, it was nice for the ego, but I also truly and honestly wanted to see these people get better. 

The problem – they weren’t getting better.

Instead, they were draining me of all my energy and all my time.  I would spend hours on the phone or sitting across from them while they told me how awful their lives were, how everything in the Universe and every person in this world were obviously working against them, just to destroy their lives.  They would ask for cleansings, blessings, spells, rituals, amulets, talismans, anything that would fix their problems.  But Bob forbid I should suggest ways they could make changes by themselves!  That would mean taking responsibility for their own actions and realizing that maybe there weren’t supernatural powers out to get them  --  because that would also mean they weren’t special.

Even the people I considered good friends would come to me with all these problems that were certainly never their fault, always someone else’s.  They would also spend hours telling me how awful their lives were because of someone else or some corporation that they were just sure had singled them out so they could destroy their lives.  After listening for hours upon end, I would gently suggest maybe THEY make a change instead of expecting everything around them to bend to their will.  What the hell was I thinking???  I must not be as good a friend as they thought if I really believed they should be the ones to attempt some sort of change in order to better their lives.  Sheesh….

(Does the sarcasm show through that last statement?)

One day, a little light bulb went off over my head.  Here I am, trying to suggest to these people that maybe if they changed their attitudes a bit or changed the way they handled certain situation so their lives might be better, and I wasn’t paying any attention to those suggestions myself.  I was surrounded by so much depression and darkness, but I wasn’t really doing anything to get myself out of it.  It also occurred to me that all these people who begged for my help and my counsel never actually seemed to be doing anything to improve themselves.  I started to see where they needed to have all these horrible things happen to them so they had an excuse to stay right where they were and never have to worry about actually making an effort.  And I was getting sucked into their little dramas and feeding into their need to be a victim.

So I quit.  I started saying “no.”  It was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.  But it was totally worth it.

My whole life, I thought I was supposed to be in some sort of service to humanity, but I’ve done a lousy job of it.  Maybe I didn’t understand exactly what it meant.  Maybe I just had the wrong idea altogether.  Whatever the case may be, it is safe to say that I burned out – hard – and as it stands today, I can barely even deal with the thought of trying to offer counsel to someone.  I feel like throwing up when I consider it.

The worst part of it all is the fact that I was using all these other people and their problems as an excuse to not deal with my own.  That was a rough span of time.  Once I started working towards focusing all that energy on myself, I saw some pretty icky crap going on in my own life.  There have been oh, so many changes since then, and there are still many changes to go, but I am very happy with where I am and where I’m going now.

And sometimes, it’s good to remember where I was, and not even that long ago.

Acceptance

I’m a little different.  My brain isn’t wired quite like other people’s and as such, I miss a lot of non-verbal communication that most come by naturally.  For instance, I don’t always catch sarcasm or joking around.  I suck at flirting, and when someone is flirting with me, I have no idea.  I can’t tell the difference between someone just being nice to me or coming on to me.  I’m entirely too trusting and I have a hard time understanding why other people can’t just be honest.  My emotional responses don’t always match the circumstances.  I actually had to train myself how to deal with social situations and to respond appropriately.  Thank goodness for all those years of theater!

When I’m tired or stressed, I stutter.  A lot of times during a conversation, my thought patterns start getting circular and I can’t make the words match what I’m thinking.  I do much better in situations where there is some planning beforehand, like a class.  I really enjoy writing, though – it gives me time to organize my thoughts into a more rational and coherent flow.  That’s one of the reasons why I started a blog.  I have things I would like to say, but when I start trying to put it out into a conversation, I stumble and trip over the words and I end up looking like an air-headed flake.  I even attempted a video blog at one point, but after I did my first recording, I realized I look just as bad on video as I do in real life.

For a long time, I hated how flighty I seemed to be to everyone.  I know I’m smart and I do have the ability to put forth some interesting ideas.  Granted, being a chubby, blue-eyed, giggly girly girl tends to take away a good portion of credibility, but deep down, I know what I’m capable of doing.  I thought maturity would help with that image, then I discovered – much to my horror – that I don’t seem to be maturing.  Sure, I’m getting older, but I’m certainly not maturing! 

As recently as two years ago, I still thought it mattered what people think of me.  I put so much effort into being a respectable mom, a diligent employee, a model citizen, blah, blah, blah.  Know what happened?  My boys hated it – their mom is unique and weird and cool….what’s with the normalcy?  My workplace really doesn’t care about my appearance – my work speaks for itself. 

And as for the rest of the world?  They don’t care.  Nor do they matter.

Just over a year ago I said something about rebuilding my life on a new foundation instead of the remnants of my old life.  I have put a lot of distance between myself and those that spent a lot of time judging me.  Now that I’m out of their line of sight, they have turned their attentions to other people they deem beneath them.  You know how it is – some people have to put others down just so they can make themselves feel taller.  But I digress….

I have rebuilt my life, and I am no longer concerned with whether or not my weirdness passes anyone’s muster.  This is who I am.  I think being comfortable with myself was maybe a bit more difficult because I could never really fit neatly into the usual definitions of “normal.”  Fortunately for me, most of my friends are the same way!

For those of you that haven’t met me yet, or have only met me a few times, thank you for indulging me here today.

It has been vitally important for me to find a way to tell my story.  It has also been important to understand why I tell this.  I know there are a lot of people out there who are like me, who find it difficult to reach out to others.  I freely admit to having problems with getting close to people.  Because I am so trusting, unscrupulous people have taken advantage of that on numerous occasions.  I know there are other people out there who have had their worlds shattered by the very ones they trusted with their heart and soul.  So I write about my trials and tribulations in hopes of giving at least one other person some insight and see that it is possible to become yourself.  It is possible to rise above our self-proposed limitations and become our true selves, without boundaries and without bonds.  It’s even possible to do it without all the self-help gurus – each person’s experience is unique and they are the only one that can find their path.

May you find your path.