Why I Had to Quit Being a Priestess

I had reached a point in my life where I couldn’t tell someone “no,” and couldn’t turn down a person that was in trouble who cried that they needed my help.  I was surrounded by sad, lonely individuals who constantly cried to me how they neeeeeeeeded my help and gosh, I was just so understanding and always made them feel so much better.  And for a while, that was good enough for me.  I was helping (or at least was trying to help) these poor lost souls who felt as though they had been pushed to the edge of society where no one cared about them, except me.  Sure, it was nice for the ego, but I also truly and honestly wanted to see these people get better. 

The problem – they weren’t getting better.

Instead, they were draining me of all my energy and all my time.  I would spend hours on the phone or sitting across from them while they told me how awful their lives were, how everything in the Universe and every person in this world were obviously working against them, just to destroy their lives.  They would ask for cleansings, blessings, spells, rituals, amulets, talismans, anything that would fix their problems.  But Bob forbid I should suggest ways they could make changes by themselves!  That would mean taking responsibility for their own actions and realizing that maybe there weren’t supernatural powers out to get them  --  because that would also mean they weren’t special.

Even the people I considered good friends would come to me with all these problems that were certainly never their fault, always someone else’s.  They would also spend hours telling me how awful their lives were because of someone else or some corporation that they were just sure had singled them out so they could destroy their lives.  After listening for hours upon end, I would gently suggest maybe THEY make a change instead of expecting everything around them to bend to their will.  What the hell was I thinking???  I must not be as good a friend as they thought if I really believed they should be the ones to attempt some sort of change in order to better their lives.  Sheesh….

(Does the sarcasm show through that last statement?)

One day, a little light bulb went off over my head.  Here I am, trying to suggest to these people that maybe if they changed their attitudes a bit or changed the way they handled certain situation so their lives might be better, and I wasn’t paying any attention to those suggestions myself.  I was surrounded by so much depression and darkness, but I wasn’t really doing anything to get myself out of it.  It also occurred to me that all these people who begged for my help and my counsel never actually seemed to be doing anything to improve themselves.  I started to see where they needed to have all these horrible things happen to them so they had an excuse to stay right where they were and never have to worry about actually making an effort.  And I was getting sucked into their little dramas and feeding into their need to be a victim.

So I quit.  I started saying “no.”  It was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.  But it was totally worth it.

My whole life, I thought I was supposed to be in some sort of service to humanity, but I’ve done a lousy job of it.  Maybe I didn’t understand exactly what it meant.  Maybe I just had the wrong idea altogether.  Whatever the case may be, it is safe to say that I burned out – hard – and as it stands today, I can barely even deal with the thought of trying to offer counsel to someone.  I feel like throwing up when I consider it.

The worst part of it all is the fact that I was using all these other people and their problems as an excuse to not deal with my own.  That was a rough span of time.  Once I started working towards focusing all that energy on myself, I saw some pretty icky crap going on in my own life.  There have been oh, so many changes since then, and there are still many changes to go, but I am very happy with where I am and where I’m going now.

And sometimes, it’s good to remember where I was, and not even that long ago.

It's Time

It is my hope that every person who embarks upon a spiritual journey or self-exploration realizes in time that where we start is very rarely where we end up.  I have spent many wonderful and happy years working with people here and across the country, teaching and learning, expanding my knowledge and seeking to understand what it means to be closer to one’s God(s).  I honestly never thought I would come to this point.  It’s something I’ve been struggling with for some time now as I’m sure those that actually read my little bit of blogginess are well aware.

I can no longer work under the title of “High Priestess” or “Wiccan clergy.”  The study group has been on hiatus for a couple of months now, and in that time I have realized I needed to really look closely at what it meant for me to be a Priestess or a minister and it no longer means what it used to some years back.  If I do decide to continue teaching on any spiritual path, it will have to be of my own understandings. 

The non-profit organization will remain in effect.  Pagan Pride Day will continue.  If there is to be a continuation of the study group, well, I have to know there are people interested.  I love having an open discussion group available, provided it doesn’t get monopolized by any one person.

I will also continue to spew forth upon my blog from time to time, maybe about my personal life or maybe about some spiritual epiphany that’s struck me.  However, I do believe I’m finished with politics and pop psychology.  What the hell do I know about love and the human race?  People do things every day that I do not understand, and I can’t pretend like everything is gonna be ok as long as we all have love in our lives (sorry, Sir Paul).  The human life is such an incredibly personal journey for every single one of us.  If you want to know what I think, I’ll tell you, but outside of that, I am completely in the dark. 

Think about it – I’ve been single for almost three years now.

Couple of weeks ago, someone actually did ask me what I thought God was, and what the human soul consisted of.  That was fun.  It helps me to be able to put stuff like that into words, to see if it makes any sense at all.  Which is kind of funny when you think about how irrational the entire concept of religion really is.

If you truly feel passionate about something, follow your bliss.  But don’t do it because someone else thinks you should.  Trust your heart and trust your gut.  Talk with someone if you need help grasping a concept, but don’t just accept others’ interpretations out of hand.  Think for yourself.  It’s ok to get angry at injustices and it’s ok to be happy about triumphs.  Don’t be afraid to feel.  Don’t be afraid to open yourself to another.

(More than offering these things as thoughts to ponder, I write them down to remind myself, because I forget all the time…..)

Solstice

Happy Winter Solstice and Merry Yule to all of you that celebrate this holiday.  I love this time of year because of all the love that just seems to ooze out of people.  Well, ok, most people.  There are a few grumpy butts out there that want to make this time of year about anything divisive.  I don’t understand the reason for putting out that much negative energy during a time when we need all the positive we can get. 

They come from all religious and non-religious backgrounds – Pagans who say hateful things about all the other religions stealing our holiday, Christians who insist anyone not celebrating a strictly Christian holiday are trying to destroy it, atheists who don’t celebrate any religious holiday and make fun of people who do – is this really what we need?  We’re supposed to be able to celebrate our holidays as we please, without all this arguing and drama.  Don’t you get enough of that at your family gatherings?

Ok, that last bit was a joke, but think about it….there is so much energy and anger put into pointing fingers and making accusations.  What if we spent all that energy working towards what should be the message for this time of year – peace and love?

I saw a picture recently on Facebook of a guy wearing a t-shirt that said “Unfuck the World.”  It really struck me right then how many people I know who have declared their hate and disdain for all human life, no matter what.  They spend most of their waking hours condemning everyone they come across for some small non-crime or simply because they exist.   I realize this would be asking for the impossible, but what if all those angry FTW people decided to stop being so angry and started putting out positive and loving energy?

Well, like I said, that would be asking for the impossible.  And I know full well there’s a good amount of people reading this right now who are thinking, “You are so stupid and delusional – it’ll never happen.”  Ok, that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean I have to be angry at the world for existing.  And I’m certainly not going to waste my time LOOKING for an excuse to be angry, or to start shit, or to pick fights.  I have much better things I can be doing with my time.

So tonight I’ll celebrate the Solstice, and Sunday I’ll gather with my family and hang out for a while.  The way I see it, it doesn’t really matter what day you celebrate, gather, worship, open gifts, whatever – as long as you can find some way to share some joy, it’s all good.

There’s one more thing I want to bring up today – December 21, 2012.  It’s exactly one year away.  So what do you think, if anything, is going to happen?

A Call To Pagan Activists

Well. Apparently, there is a need for Pagan activists again.

I spent a good fifteen years working mostly with local people and organizations to educate about Paganism and Wicca, explaining who we are and what we do. My goal was to help develop tolerance and foster a “live and let live” attitude with folks who didn’t understand Pagans. Mostly, I wanted to make sure my boys could grow up in a friendlier atmosphere than I did. Once they hit high school, I felt they were going to be ok and would be able to graduate without the crap I went through growing up. Achievement!

There have been several stories lately that have made me stop and wonder where all my work went. Here is the story of a woman fired because of her religion, which, last I knew was illegal. Her supervisors even stated in the termination letter that part of the problem was because she is a Witch! And here is a story from Daily Kos about an evangelical movement to “drive out the demons” in communities so they can destroy Witchcraft and anything that isn’t their brand of Christianity. Hooray for tolerance…..

I had hoped at this point in my life to continue working towards spiritual growth and teaching with my friends. It would seem I will be teaching – maybe part of my spiritual growth is in helping others to understand us and possibly achieve an attitude of tolerance, so we don’t get fired for our beliefs or have our lives threatened.

Seriously, I thought we were past this.

...Run In Circles, Scream and Shout....

Ever have one of those days where you have a million things you want to say, and you just can’t seem to get it all into a single coherent thought process? Yeah, I’ve been having one of those weeks!

I’m getting ready for Beltane in about a month and a half. It’s been a while since I felt like I was up to the “big” celebration, and I’m glad to be able to bring the open celebration back to our area. For a long time, I felt like I couldn’t do anything on a spiritual level unless I had a Priest or some sort of male energy to help balance the work, but I’ve learned that I don’t need to have anyone else around in order to do the things I want to do. Sure, it would be nice to have a good Priest to help with rituals and teachings, but it’s not as necessary as I thought. So in all my flaky glory, I hope those of you that are planning to attend Beltane enjoy the little show I’m working on!

I’ve also been putting a lot of energy towards my belly dancing stuff lately. There’s a lot going on, and I’m totally loving all of it. Even with as much as I’m doing, I want to learn more, do more, dance more. I figure that’s got to be a good sign – otherwise I know I would be bored by now.

My study group, Oakshade Sanctuary, is doing very well. With every class, I see more cohesion and more growth. I hope that’s what everyone else is experiencing as well. That’s one thing that has always been very important to me – why bother sharing knowledge if it does no good? If folks were just showing up and not getting anything out of it, I wouldn’t keep doing this. But even as some people decide to move on, others come to learn, so I’ll keep going for as long as people want to keep attending. Next month will be two years that I’ve been running this study group. Maybe we should have a party….

The Interfaith Esoteric Fellowship Church is nearly done writing up articles for it’s bylaws. Pretty excited about that! There will be an interfaith service on April 9th at Middleworld Woods, so if you’re interested in attending, drop me a line and I’ll get you pointed in the right direction for that.

Hm…..is that everything?

Evil - Subjective for Who?

I spent a lovely afternoon in the woods today, wandering up and down the old hills of the Ozarks. It's winter now, and all the trees are stripped bare - you can see for miles when you stand on top of a knob (that's a hill with no trees on top of it, for those that don't know). I enjoy taking this time to think, and I have much to think about these days.

Whenever I spend time outdoors, I try to understand how anyone could assign such things as "good" and "evil" to Nature. Nature just is - there's life, death, survival, beauty, joy, sorrow - our own reactions to what goes on around us is supposed to be a natural thing as well, and yet I constantly see and hear various people dictating how others should react or behave. If you're hungry, you should eat, right? Oh, but if you're even the tiniest bit overweight, you really shouldn't, so just deny yourself what your body is asking for and go against what is essentially one of the most basic and natural conditions known.

When we're happy, we laugh - but be careful because if you laugh too much, people will think you're just stupid, and goodness knows, we don't want anything to think you're stupid, right? That would be bad.... When we're sad, sometimes we cry - but not if your a guy, because guys don't cry... you might be mistaken for something LESS than a man...you know, a girl.... When we're angry, we rage - oh, but that's such an ugly thing to show... we don't want people to see something THAT ugly, because then they might actually think we're angry about something!

Shocking! A real emotion!

When did this all go down the road of badness? Why is it wrong for us to be in touch with our real feelings and deal with them in real situations and on a basic level? Who was it that came along and said, "say, you folks really need to quit acting like yourselves, because that's not right. You need to start acting THIS way - stop enjoying yourselves, stop being spiritual and communing with what's natural, stop loving everyone, stop dancing and drinking, because if you don't, something very terrible is going to happen to you!"

Oh, wait, I think his name was Paul....

Anyway, maybe this guy didn't have proof of something horrible happening if the people didn't stop being happy and normal, but somewhere down the line someone DID have armies at their disposal that could wipe out entire villages if they didn't start following the new company policy. And think about the perks! Wipe out a village and what do you have left? Land, livestock, gold, maybe some jewels.... And if the village did decide to follow the new company policy, what would you get then? Land, livestock, gold - just sign it over to the company, please, and we won't torch your hut! See you on Sunday! Bring money....

Three easy steps to global domination!

And just to make sure no one back-slides and starts dancing in the woods again, let's wrap all that good stuff in shiny red satin and call it EVIL. Punishable by eternity in a fiery pit of lava.

I've been going back and revisiting a lot of what it is that's supposed to be bad. I remember in the late Eighties and early Nineties, my mother had several books by a loon named Texx Marrs. He was supposedly some sort of guru on the evils of the New Age movement - made for great laughs. He declared people like John Denver and Al Gore as Satanic because they believed in environmental conservation. Cartoons like He-Man and Rainbow Brite were evil because they taught children self-confidence and *gasp!* self-love (as in learning to love oneself, not what most kids figure out later in their adolescence! - although that was evil, too....). That sort of stuff is pretty easy to look and say, "yeah, whatever!"

What I was curious about is what most would consider the darker aspects of God and Goddess, and even to a point what most Pagans would consider unethical. Nearly everything we call "unethical" today was most likely "ok" at some point and time in the past. Not saying that makes it ok now - just suggesting a different viewpoint. I am really starting to question why certain actions are considered "dark" or even "unethical" - if a person is trying to follow the Wiccan Rede, I'm sure just about everyone is aware these days that it's damn near impossible to get through life without causing pain at some point and time. It's caused me great distress, because that's how I was raised. No one ever bothered to tell me how to deal with it if I did cause pain. Well, I take that back - one guy did tell me "oh, well - no one ever said life is fair." Yeah, he was real role model.

It bothers me to see Pagans turning away from a thought or idea because it's darker than what they care to see. Excluding an entire school of thought because it makes you uncomfortable is like sleeping with the lights on because of the monster you're sure is under the bed. If there is a monster, he's gonna get you either way. Pretending it isn't there won't make it go away.

But in this case, I want to know - what makes something "dark," "evil," "unethical," or even just "uncomfortable?" I don't believe in evil or absolutes - everything is gray. Where does one draw that imaginary line? Is this truly something we decide for ourselves?

Oh, and in case you're wondering - which I'm sure you're not - the one thing I struggle the most with is manipulation of free will. If people would just do what I want them to, the world would be a much better place! Kidding....