Still Here

So, I have depression. If you've read my stuff here before, then you know that – rah. It's not any sort of a secret, nor is it a secret that I take medication to stave off the darkness. As anyone that takes a maintenance medication, I have to be very careful about it, and I always make note when it changes.

About a year and a half ago, I did have a change in my meds. I used my insurance's mail-in option, and the generic I received was different from the one I had been taking. Not thinking anything of it, I started taking the new ones when my old ones ran out. Holy crap.....

All generics are NOT the same. This particular one did terrible things to my head. I called my doctor, got a new prescription, got rid of the mail-order crap and was able to get things straightened out again after about a month. Lesson learned – don't take that generic!

So this year, I've been planning on weaning myself off the meds. It's been a while and I really need to learn how to live without the chemicals. I had one more month, then a few of the smaller dosage meds to step down with. I got the last month of my meds filled, brought them home, set them on the microwave and went about my day. When it was time to open up the last bunch, wouldn't you know it? The wonky generics!

Well, I decided to go ahead and give it a shot, anyway. Bad mistake. Bad, bad mistake.

Everyone has heard stories about how some anti-depressants can actually cause suicidal tendencies in users. This is the one that does it for me. I spent two days reconsidering “the plan.” Yes, I've made a plan before – obviously, I didn't follow through, but it's there. After a couple of days, I starting thinking maybe I should do something about the incredibly dark and evil place I had been dwelling and try to get back to some semblance of normal.

This has been a rough year for me head-wise. I've had several bad patches of severe depression over the last few months, and it has been a struggle. Even the best medications, therapists, exercise programs, etc. can't fix it all, and sometimes the darkness wins. The trick is to keep it from taking over completely, and remembering that it WILL get better. It can be really tough to get to that point where you know it will get better. When it gets to the point that I start pulling up details of “the plan,” I start telling myself to just wait one more day. Thankfully, I don't deal with that too often anymore.

A couple of days ago, when I was starting to come back up, my mom called to check on me and make sure I was ok. Of course, I told her I was fine, everything was fine. She asked me if I needed anyone to talk to.......yeah......that's a tough one.

Sure, I have friends, and sure, they say I can talk to them any time I need, but I know how that usually goes. Everyone has problems. Everyone needs someone to talk to. And usually I'm the one they want to talk to. And you know what happens when I need someone to talk to about what's bugging me? I end up listening to everything that's been going wrong in their lives. So I stopped trying.

So maybe that will help explain some of why I've been so quiet lately. I'm still single....still afraid to talk to men. Still dancing – probably one of the few things that is keeping me going. Still here. Still hanging on. Working on getting better. Taking it a day at a time.

No Room, No Room!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about energy, reality being what we create, karmic return/energy spent is energy returned, etc.  I don’t think that, as living entities, we operate in a complete vacuum when it comes to the expenditure of energy.    We create our own realities by what we put out to the rest of the world – if you think someone is out to get you, eventually someone will start wondering what you’re trying to hide and begin digging around in your private matters.  Self-fulfilling prophesy!

I have a tendency to trust everyone, which leaves me wide open to be blindsided in those instances when someone decides not to play nice and does something really shitty.  It actually doesn’t happen as often as you might think.  There’s a song by the band Rush that basically says, I believe in the decency of people, but we read about the exceptions every day.  And that’s true.  You don’t hear about the kid that helped another pick up their books after everything went skidding down the hall – you only hear about the kid that went ballistic and stabbed another.  You don’t hear about the community that came together to help a family whose house burned down – you just hear about the arsonist that’s been torching homes.

It actually causes me physical pain to hear about all the awful things that we are capable of doing to each other.  When I was younger, I was out there doing everything I could to work as an activist, fighting for equality and tolerance.  I’m not sure why I can’t do it anymore, but conflict and drama (and there is ALWAYS drama!) has caused me to pull away from it all. 

I cannot handle drama at all.  It serves no purpose other than drawing attention to someone who isn’t happy with themselves.

So if I walk away from something, it’s not that I don’t care…..well, ok, in some cases, I don’t care.  But more than likely, I just can’t handle it.  It’s taken me a long time to recognize this and respect my own needs.  I do try to do what I can, but if I’m screwed up, I’m not going to be any good to anyone else.  If anything, I’ll be a hindrance.  And yes, there’s been a couple of things happen that have made me consider my role in the drama and conflict.  I’m just going to take care of what needs to be taken care of, and if anyone else really wants to get all offended, well, I just really don’t have anything to say about that.

Except maybe you should consider the reality you’re creating for yourself.

The Weight of the World

Oh, yes, we all have that "weighty issue" that we drag around with us.  We hope that someone might someday come along and help us - actually help, not just say they're going to help.  But what I've discovered is most times, a person will come along and say "oh, yes!  I will help you with your burden!" then as soon as you accept their help, they either drop it immediately to the ground and skip merrily away, or they use it to bludgeon you about the head and shoulders. 

Sometimes whatever it is that we carry around with us is something we can't "just" get rid of - and it is incredibly painful for people to tell you to just "cowboy up" and deal with it.  Oh, how I would love to smack the people who do that.  There's that whole "walk a mile in my shoes" thing, but for some, they still wouldn't get it.  So my load.....remains my load.

But sometimes we reach a point in our lives when we realize we've outgrown that load.  I've been working on getting rid of a particular bit of burden for some time now, but believe it or not, some folks insist on making sure I still carry it around.  There's a friend for ya.  I've finally found a place where I'm happy and I very much would like to put all my time and energy towards that happiness.  If I can just kick this one thing to the curb, I would be so much happier - and yet.....

I have one obligation left.  I will fulfill that obligation. Then I'm done.

Reality Does Suck

I spent the last two weekends working at a Ren Faire.  It's my second year for working at this particular faire, or any faire, for that matter.  I love the time I spend there - I've always had friends in the Society for Creative Anachronisms, been to events, love the costuming and the characters, and since I was a drama major, it's another great opportunity for me to play make-believe.

But sometimes I let my imagination get the best of me.  Oh, I'm not foolish enough to think any of that is real, or anything THAT crazy, but I do tend to find more comfort in allowing my imagination to wander about aimlessly in such a world.  And of course, since I'm single, it's always fun to conjure up a pretty, muscular man to go with the natural beauty of the woods on a sunny day.

Well, it's kind of dumb. 

By allowing myself to live in this little fantasy world, I miss a lot of real-world situations and clues.  People think I'm dense or stupid - mostly, I'm just not paying a lot of attention to what's going on around me.  I mean, seriously, I've lived through some pretty crappy stuff, so hiding inside my own mind was the best way for me to escape a lot of it.  I've read sooo many books.....

So now I'm an adult with a sometimes-tenuous hold on reality.  I'm sure I've missed some great opportunities for happiness because of my fear of leaving my comfy little world, and I know I've wasted time on imaginary situations.  But after this weekend, even though I was eyeballs-deep in my favorite little fun-time fantasy land, it's become painfully obvious that I've got to get away from my own mind. 

I can create my own reality, but it's probably going to be a lot better for me if my reality exists somewhere else besides inside my head.

Struggling

I’m astounded at how easily individuals can just shut down their emotional responses during a time some sort of response is almost mandatory.

A young woman took her life yesterday.  She left behind two small children and a lot of questions.  She was related to a person here at work.  As I sit here, trying to do my job, I can hear their conversations a couple of cubicles over – oh, she was on drugs, she was irresponsible, she was in and out of mental facilities so it’s no surprise.  Cold, callous, blaming the victim.

I can see in very sharp and crystal clear clarity why this woman took her life – if that’s how much her own family cared, she most likely believed no one cared.  So why bother?  And it’s that attitude – the attitude that she was the one at fault and no one else – that is causing me the most pain today.  Gods forbid we should turn that spotlight on ourselves and see what we might have done to contribute to the problem or what we could have done to prevent it.  Refusing to admit we might feel badly about the whole situation won’t fix anything.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.  Here, here’s a card.”

False sincerity.  When the card came around to me, I couldn’t sign it.  “It’s for the children.”  Really?  Is this supposed to make them feel better?  A bunch of strangers signed a card – well, that just fixes everything!  I’m appalled….

I can’t listen to their conversations anymore.  I’ll probably spend the rest of this day with my iPod earbuds jammed into my ears. 

I’m angry with how this whole thing is being perceived.  Obviously, the family knew there was a problem and there were a few feeble attempts to fix it, but from what I can gather, she had little to no actual emotional support.  That’s the real crime here.  Pills and psychiatrists can only do so much.  If she was trying to get better, the least they could have done is support her.  Well, I take that back.  They did do the least, and that was nothing.

Did anyone ever tell her it doesn’t stay dark forever?

Attraction and Relationships

This is something that's almost always in the back of my mind, and very often a big hang-up for me when it comes to dating and relationships.

I believe that any two (or more) consenting adults that want to be in a physical or emotional relationship are more than welcome to do so. I have no problems with that whatsoever. I firmly believe that seeking whatever it is that makes you happy is one of our main purposes in life. Yes, I know that's a rather hedonistic philosophy of life, but that's who I am. Once I realized all my self-imposed "rules" were what made me so miserable, I was able to let it all go and seek what truly spoke to my heart. And you might be surprised to know some of my self-imposed rules....

For the longest time, I tried to convince myself that I had to be bi. "All acts of love and pleasure," right? Seemed like every woman I knew was bisexual, and gosh, what was wrong with me if I didn't want to sleep both men and women? Well, there's nothing wrong with me - I'm just straight, that's all. But you would surprised at how many people have been critical of me for that. Just as conservative types tend to look down upon anyone with bisexual tendencies, I was being looked down upon because I didn't!

Something else I have been chastised for - wanting a monogamous relationship. Yeah, seriously. I have actually had people tell me I wasn't spiritually developed because I didn't have an open relationship. What the hell? I thought the whole point of being a consenting adult was being able to live the lifestyle that makes you happy - being pressured into trying open relationships is just as bad as looking down one's nose at those who DO have open relationships. And being the suspicious type that I am, I did often wonder about those who insisted I NEEDED to throw monogamy to the side. I'm thinking there might have been an ulterior motive.....

I've never been really good about dating men my own age. I don't look or behave like other people I know that are my age, and I actually have very few friends even close to my age. Even in high school, I dated guys that were younger. Is it just because I'm immature? Oh, probably -- but again, that's just who I am. However -- and I cannot stress this enough! -- very rarely have I actually pursued a younger man. Usually it's the other way around! I don't know how many times I've told a guy "no" because I felt he was too young for me. But with time, I've started considering that, as long as he's an adult, then why the hell not? PS, that does not make me a "cougar"....I'm not actively pursuing these guys. Besides which, I detest that term.

So I'm not really sure why I've felt compelled to share all of this. Just one of those things, I guess.

Hug It Out

I’m one of those obnoxious, loud people that tend to be overbearing and probably something of an embarrassment if you’re with me in public.  It’s taken me a while, but I’ve made peace with that fact. 

Recently, I’ve been contemplating the need for human touch.  There are a gazillion studies out there that say we need human interaction, and touching and hugging are very important for maintaining mental health – they are supposed to help with depression.  I find that very curious, considering I’ve dealt with depression pretty much my whole life. 

Maybe that’s why I’m so obnoxious – my kids won’t hug me, which doesn’t make sense to me, because I hugged on them all the time when they were little – or maybe that’s why they won’t hug me!  There are a few folks that I see upon occasion who will give me a hug, and that’s awesome.  I always feel so much better after spending time with those people and I’m sure that’s part of the reason.  But there’s a lot of the other touchy-feely stuff that I miss, too.  Probably why I put up with some bad people in my life for as long as I did.

I’ve heard some people say they do just fine with their animals and don’t need human interaction.  Well….that’s great for you.  Not so much for me.  Chopper is a great dog and all, but it’s not quite the same….

Yeah, What He Said

I love advice.  I love to hear what people think I need to hear and I love to read all the volumes upon volumes of self-help books that are guaranteed to work all these amazing miracles – for someone.  I’ve repeated all the mantras….”you must love yourself before you can love another”….”cease all expectations and gain everything”….you create your own reality.”

Ok, there are some of those that I believe whole-heartedly, like the one about creating our own reality.  I’ve come to learn that reality is subjective.  No, really!  If you think life sucks, guess what?  It’s gonna suck.  If you think the world is out to get you, you’re gonna actively work to find evidence to that end, and it will look very much as though the world is indeed out to get you.

But I digress…..

I talk a pretty good talk, I think.  Life is actually fairly decent these days.  It’s not perfect, but it’s not awful.  I am still single, and it’s something I’ve been reflecting on a lot these days, but it’s not just the “single” thing.

I don’t have any really close friends right now.  You know, someone you can share secrets with and talk about anything under the sun.  I have friends that I CAN share secrets with, but I see them so rarely anymore, through no fault of our own.  Work and relationships take folks far away sometimes.  The internet is grand and all, but there’s nothing like being able to sit down face to face with someone and share a laugh over something stupid.

I’ve mentioned before about having walls up to protect myself from the pain I’ve experienced in the recent past.  Damn those things.  They’ve managed to finagle themselves into such a position that I find it difficult to be close to anyone anymore.  That sucks.  Ok, yeah, so I had some bad crap happen and some people I trusted hurt me, but I can’t let that dictate my life.  It’s just one small part.

“Do not feed today the leftovers of yesterday. Today has teeth and is hungry. Feed today what you want it to be and let it become that.”

 

Shane Koyczan

 

What he said.

Sometimes Bad Things Happen

Yes, it's been a while since I posted here.  Since my last post, I've moved, lost a pet, was anti-social for a bit, but I can feel the air starting to change around me and it's time to come back up out of my cocoon. 

The boys and I decided to move from the house we were in to something on the north side of town - closer to family and friends and a lot of the things I love about this town, like the square.  So we packed up all our stuff, rented a truck and us and a bunch of my friends spent a Saturday moving all our worldly possessions to this big old house with a gigantic yard (yes, there will be barbeques!).

Sadly, this is where we lost our pet.  Ginger, my rat terrier rescue dog, who was not known to be the brightest crayon in the box and who would bark at leaves falling from trees, discovered the new neighbor's dogs.  Two rather large but friendly-looking pit bulls.  I have no issues with pits, having had several myself.  Plus, there was an electric fence running across the top and bottom of the chain link fence, so I thought, "no problem."

Oh, there was a problem.  Apparently, electric fences meant nothing to these dogs.  Apparently, these dogs went for walks on a regular basis all by themselves.  And apparently, the neighbor would leave them outside all day while she was at work, pretty much giving them free reign.

So just a little over a week after we moved in, the neighbor's dogs decided they were done barking at my dogs and came over the fence.  Chopper may be an old dog, but he's damn fast.  Ginger -- well, she had always had a problem with her weight.  Her former owners withheld food from her, so any time she had food, she would gorge herself.  We had been working with her to get her slimmed down, and we were having some success.  She was a lot more active and happier.  Unfortunately, she was still slow - and they caught her.

My youngest son was home, and the neighbor on the other side of my house heard a ruckus, saw what was happening and ran to my house, pounding on the door.  My son and my neighbor ran the pits off and scooped up Ginger, making a mad dash to the vet.  I must give credit to the vet  --  he was a very kind man and he did everything he could for us and for her, but the damage was too much.  She survived for about a day and a half, and we were able to bring her home with us before she passed.

It's been almost two weeks, and I'm sitting here with tears running down my face as I type this.  So what if she wasn't very bright?  She didn't deserve that.  She had just turned six years old in December.


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Well, I don't think that was enough teary-eyed writing, so here's another thing that will probably make you cry.  It's an amazing video put together by a young poet who has obviously "been there."  Me, too.  Please watch this, and remember.....they were wrong.

Why I Had to Quit Being a Priestess

I had reached a point in my life where I couldn’t tell someone “no,” and couldn’t turn down a person that was in trouble who cried that they needed my help.  I was surrounded by sad, lonely individuals who constantly cried to me how they neeeeeeeeded my help and gosh, I was just so understanding and always made them feel so much better.  And for a while, that was good enough for me.  I was helping (or at least was trying to help) these poor lost souls who felt as though they had been pushed to the edge of society where no one cared about them, except me.  Sure, it was nice for the ego, but I also truly and honestly wanted to see these people get better. 

The problem – they weren’t getting better.

Instead, they were draining me of all my energy and all my time.  I would spend hours on the phone or sitting across from them while they told me how awful their lives were, how everything in the Universe and every person in this world were obviously working against them, just to destroy their lives.  They would ask for cleansings, blessings, spells, rituals, amulets, talismans, anything that would fix their problems.  But Bob forbid I should suggest ways they could make changes by themselves!  That would mean taking responsibility for their own actions and realizing that maybe there weren’t supernatural powers out to get them  --  because that would also mean they weren’t special.

Even the people I considered good friends would come to me with all these problems that were certainly never their fault, always someone else’s.  They would also spend hours telling me how awful their lives were because of someone else or some corporation that they were just sure had singled them out so they could destroy their lives.  After listening for hours upon end, I would gently suggest maybe THEY make a change instead of expecting everything around them to bend to their will.  What the hell was I thinking???  I must not be as good a friend as they thought if I really believed they should be the ones to attempt some sort of change in order to better their lives.  Sheesh….

(Does the sarcasm show through that last statement?)

One day, a little light bulb went off over my head.  Here I am, trying to suggest to these people that maybe if they changed their attitudes a bit or changed the way they handled certain situation so their lives might be better, and I wasn’t paying any attention to those suggestions myself.  I was surrounded by so much depression and darkness, but I wasn’t really doing anything to get myself out of it.  It also occurred to me that all these people who begged for my help and my counsel never actually seemed to be doing anything to improve themselves.  I started to see where they needed to have all these horrible things happen to them so they had an excuse to stay right where they were and never have to worry about actually making an effort.  And I was getting sucked into their little dramas and feeding into their need to be a victim.

So I quit.  I started saying “no.”  It was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.  But it was totally worth it.

My whole life, I thought I was supposed to be in some sort of service to humanity, but I’ve done a lousy job of it.  Maybe I didn’t understand exactly what it meant.  Maybe I just had the wrong idea altogether.  Whatever the case may be, it is safe to say that I burned out – hard – and as it stands today, I can barely even deal with the thought of trying to offer counsel to someone.  I feel like throwing up when I consider it.

The worst part of it all is the fact that I was using all these other people and their problems as an excuse to not deal with my own.  That was a rough span of time.  Once I started working towards focusing all that energy on myself, I saw some pretty icky crap going on in my own life.  There have been oh, so many changes since then, and there are still many changes to go, but I am very happy with where I am and where I’m going now.

And sometimes, it’s good to remember where I was, and not even that long ago.