Solstice

Happy Winter Solstice and Merry Yule to all of you that celebrate this holiday.  I love this time of year because of all the love that just seems to ooze out of people.  Well, ok, most people.  There are a few grumpy butts out there that want to make this time of year about anything divisive.  I don’t understand the reason for putting out that much negative energy during a time when we need all the positive we can get. 

They come from all religious and non-religious backgrounds – Pagans who say hateful things about all the other religions stealing our holiday, Christians who insist anyone not celebrating a strictly Christian holiday are trying to destroy it, atheists who don’t celebrate any religious holiday and make fun of people who do – is this really what we need?  We’re supposed to be able to celebrate our holidays as we please, without all this arguing and drama.  Don’t you get enough of that at your family gatherings?

Ok, that last bit was a joke, but think about it….there is so much energy and anger put into pointing fingers and making accusations.  What if we spent all that energy working towards what should be the message for this time of year – peace and love?

I saw a picture recently on Facebook of a guy wearing a t-shirt that said “Unfuck the World.”  It really struck me right then how many people I know who have declared their hate and disdain for all human life, no matter what.  They spend most of their waking hours condemning everyone they come across for some small non-crime or simply because they exist.   I realize this would be asking for the impossible, but what if all those angry FTW people decided to stop being so angry and started putting out positive and loving energy?

Well, like I said, that would be asking for the impossible.  And I know full well there’s a good amount of people reading this right now who are thinking, “You are so stupid and delusional – it’ll never happen.”  Ok, that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean I have to be angry at the world for existing.  And I’m certainly not going to waste my time LOOKING for an excuse to be angry, or to start shit, or to pick fights.  I have much better things I can be doing with my time.

So tonight I’ll celebrate the Solstice, and Sunday I’ll gather with my family and hang out for a while.  The way I see it, it doesn’t really matter what day you celebrate, gather, worship, open gifts, whatever – as long as you can find some way to share some joy, it’s all good.

There’s one more thing I want to bring up today – December 21, 2012.  It’s exactly one year away.  So what do you think, if anything, is going to happen?

Learning to Love the Right Person

I spent last weekend at home, by myself.  My car is down right now, and my wonderful boys went to spend the weekend with their father.  So I took the opportunity to do some house cleaning and a little brain cleaning while I was at it.

The house cleaning was pretty run of the mill stuff – mop floors, shampoo carpets – oh, and fix the back door.  I even put up our Yule tree and decorated the living room and the fireplace.  It’s all happy and festive in our house now.

The part about cleaning out my brain, well, that was kind of unexpected.  Usually when I’m by myself on the weekend, I’ll pick up a bottle of wine and mellow out with a glass or three.  This past weekend, I decided not to.  I learned a few things.

Number one, the guy I’ve been dating is probably not going to be the guy I’ve been dating anymore.  I knew he enjoyed a few beers at night – apparently it’s every night.  On the plus side, he doesn’t drive after he’s been drinking, so that’s good.  On the negative side, because of that, he has never been inside my house.  Ever.  He’s actually only been there one time, but he didn’t come in.  Now, I understand there are people who have problems going into strange places and stuff like that, but looking over the past couple of months, I’m seeing there’s a lot more to this than I originally thought.  Time to move on.

Number two, I got a LOT more done this past weekend than I have in quite a while.  Granted, I still didn’t get my car fixed, but I got a ton of stuff done around the house that needed to be done.  I feel good about that.  I can’t say for sure whether or not it’s because I didn’t do my usual mellowing thing, but I do know that I got a lot of stuff done late into the night when I would normally be sitting on the couch watching “Adult Swim.”

Yes, that’s right.  I watch “Adult Swim.”

Number three – and this one is kind of big – part of the reason for unwinding with a glass of wine (or more) is because my thoughts tend to race ninety miles an hour all the time.  Slowing them down or even silencing them for a while can be very helpful.  However, there are a lot of those thoughts that have negativity attached to them.  Yes, I do have good thoughts, creative thoughts, happy thoughts, but the negative ones tend to be a lot louder and more obnoxious.  Those are the ones I’m usually trying to shut down.  In the process, everything else gets shut down, too.  So in letting everything run rampant this weekend – good, bad and in between – I realized something that rather stunned me.

In my attempts to stop the negative thoughts, I was actually adding more to them.  My self-respect got shredded some years back.  And yes, I meant self-respect, not self-confidence, although I’ve had neither one for quite some time.  When a person has no respect for themselves, they will do and say things that most people will find shocking and horrifying.  Oh yes, I’ve done things…..but anyway…..

It seems to me that if a person DOES respect themselves, they wouldn’t find it necessary to kill brain cells on a regular basis in an attempt to pickle themselves for all eternity.  There are people in my life that I love who drink more than they should, and they know it.  I wish I could get them to change that, but they are the only ones who can make that change.  In the meantime, I have said something to them from time to time, and they know it’s because I do care about their well-being.  I have a fair idea as to why they drink like they do, but again, they are the only ones that can deal with their reasons.  The only person I can change is me.  So that’s what I’m doing.

And it’s weird!  Here it is, the beginning of the week, and my thoughts are clear and my face isn’t puffy.  I actually feel like I got some rest this past weekend, despite the butt-busting pace I had. 

Most importantly, there’s a change in how I see myself.  It is scary, but cool.  Relearning how to love oneself is truly tough, but I’m seeing where it’s totally worth it.  And looking back over the past couple of years, I can see where I have had issues with loving myself.  I’ve allowed myself to be put in some strange and awkward situations because the self-respect just wasn’t there.  I know it may seem silly to a few folks, but it’s important to me to finally realize – I do deserve better.  First and foremost, I have to take care of me.  Otherwise, all that other stuff just doesn’t matter.

I don’t know why this had to be so difficult for me to learn.  Maybe I’ve allowed too many negative people to manipulate me over the years.  I know I’m an easy target, and I’m naïve when it comes to trusting people.  But hey, I’m learning.

So that’s my thang for right now.  It has to be done, and I’m glad to do it.  Still learning…..

Bits and Pieces

Whew! Yes, I’ve been busy! Working, dancing, protesting, teaching – I think I need one more project!

So here’s a quick rundown on what’s been going on : Oakshade Sanctuary is rolling along quite happily these days. I’m very proud to say our study group and rituals are growing every day, and having the influences and teachings of so many varied people has created wonderful discussions. Currently we are learning more rituals as they are being taught by our initiates (and soon-to-be initiates!). Several of us have also been invited to sit in on séances being held by another group here in town. Fun stuff!

After the New Year, we are going to start looking into a Pagan scouting group. I’ve worked with such a group in the past, and it was great for the kids to be able to get together and learn about the Gods and Goddesses and the Earth and Spirituality. Of course, it wasn’t all seriousness – there was Bubble Day, Water Balloon Day, Zoo Day – I’m looking forward to all of it!

In dancing news, it’s winter so we get to slow down…a little bit, anyway! Learning new choreography, teaching, brushing up on improvisation – it keeps us busy. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And yes, I am still very much involved with the Occupy movement. It’s become a matter of being heard, not even as a Pagan or a single parent, but as an American. And if you are only getting your information about the movement from the mainstream media outlets, trust me, you’re not getting the story. I invite you to look at some alternative news sources:

Truthout.com
Rawstory.com
Boingboing.net
Bbc.co.uk

That’s my soapbox for today. I know at times I can really preachy and annoying, so the rest of this will be a little lighter. Seasons are changing, and time of madness is upon us!

Yes, I love spending time with my family, both blood and extended. What I do not love is trying to buy the necessities of life while battling those nutjobs that think this time of year means spending yourself into debt. So here’s a thought for this year’s gift-giving – instead of buying a bunch of junk that most people don’t really need anyway, do something for your family. There’s always something I can do for the people in my life that won’t cost an arm and a leg, and it’ll be appreciated much more than something else that will catch dust on the knick knack shelf. Even if the only thing you can think of is a gift certificate for a massage or a manicure, it’s a personal gift, and the money stays local. The boys and I have decided to spend more of our dollars here with the wonderful local shops and services. After all, change begins at home.

Why should those of minority faiths and spiritualities care about the Occupy Wall Street movement? This is about government and corporations and banks and corrupt executives, right? Yes, it is, and it still affects us – maybe not directly, but it does.

The fundamental idea behind the Occupy movement is to remove Big Business influence from the government. The bigger corporations in this country have systematically been removing a lot of the restrictions (just one example of many) that were placed upon them to provide cleaner, safer work environments and produce less smog and emissions. That in and of itself should be enough to get anyone of a Nature-based spirituality to get up in arms. Respect and reverence for the Earth does NOT include poisoning the water and the air. However, a certain major religion in this country believes the Earth is here for them to use up without any consideration for future generations – or even the current one, for that matter. Which leads me to my next concern…..

The mindset of human dominance(as opposed to harmony) over the Earth is predominantly a Christian viewpoint. As this belief is filtered through the bigger corporations and into the government, a more conservative ideal is introduced and accepted. Time and again we’ve heard a number of politicians announce, “This is a Christian nation!” Pushing policy through based on a single religious view is incredibly dangerous for a country that was supposed to founded on a principle of religious equality.

Please understand!!! I know not all Christians believe we should just trash the planet. I’m not out to attack anyone or any religion. What I’m trying to point out it, these businesses are using some religious dogma as a reason to change environmental policies. Now that I think about it, if I were Christian, that would piss me off, too!

So here we are faced with politicians and extremely well-paid executives using their own beliefs to get policies pushed through that are ultimately damaging to the human race. And if we stand up to protest these policies, we are branded as tree-hugging hippie Pagans. Well, ok, some of us ARE tree-hugging hippie Pagans, but we make up just a small percentage of the people who would really, really like to see the corporations out of politics and government. Anyway, if you’ve been reading and keeping up with the news from New York and the bigger cities that have Occupy movements going on, then you’ve probably read some of the negative comments coming from these politicians and executives. They are of the mind-set that anyone involved with the Occupy movement is trying to destroy the government and destroy Wall Street and they obviously don’t love their country and they’re obviously just a mob of unwashed hippies and they’re obviously liberals/anarchists/communists. And yes, those awful, immoral Pagans are even involved.

Holy crap – the world is coming to an end.

There is a lot of misinformation being spread about the Occupy movement. Those that would like to see it fail are twisting the goals and picking up on the most extreme fringe individuals to say these are the people responsible for “trying to destroy our nation.” We don’t want to destroy it – we want to make it better. Corporations are not evil – they need to be changed. Government is not evil – it needs to be changed. We are not looking for handouts or ridiculous tax changes or a redistribution of wealth. At our most basic, we simply want corporate America out of our government, so that our politicians can go back to work doing what they were supposed to be doing in the first place – representing the people.

Occupy

I spend a lot of time being frustrated with all those things that seem to be too big to care, like the government, my state senators and representatives, even the city managers. Yes, we all know the economy is utter crap right now. I have several friends that are unemployed and have been that way for quite some time, despite their best efforts to find work. I feel very fortunate to have a job these days. But nothing pisses me off quite like stories like this, about corporate executives that damn near destroy a company but still end up with millions. How does that happen? WHY does that happen? If all these businesses are so poor they can’t even hire enough people to run it, where is all this money coming from? And how come nobody is doing anything about it?

We’ve been told repeatedly that taxes can’t be raised on corporations because they need that money to create jobs. So create them already! What’s the hold-up? If you’re looking for a specific skilled person, guess what? There are a whole lot of young people out there, fresh out of college, with no job prospects who would love an opportunity to change the disastrous condition of our country right now. How do I know that? Because of this – Occupywallst.org.

Admittedly, there is not a lot of coverage for this event (and many others that are taking place across the country), and the mainstream media has done a lot to make them look like a bunch of clueless kids with no idea what they’re doing there. That is unfortunate. On the plus side, the longer these movements are ignored, the bigger they grow. Being ignored is exactly the problem – because those with the money and power think that the average person can be marginalized and pushed aside. These people are tired of feeling their voices don’t matter. We elect officials into office to speak for us, not to line their own pockets and help out their buddies, and yet that’s what we see every day. They use hot-button topics to get into office (anti-abortion! morality! keep Jeeeezus in the schools!), then proceed to gut their entire platform and do what they can to “get theirs.” And it turns out, a lot of their buddies have these big businesses that manage to garner these huge tax breaks and skirt around the most basic of safety rules. Seriously – how did the cigarette companies manage to rock along for as long as they have?

People are pissed. Quite frankly, I think it’s about time. I honestly believe we have been systematically lied to for years in order for the rich and powerful to maintain their status quo. History points to many moments in the past when this has gone on: in the Middle Ages, the average person was uneducated and was not even allowed to learn to read or write. Much easier for a very wealthy church and/or king to control the masses if you tell them everything they should know and believe. Nazi Germany was a crown jewel in the last century for learning how to spread propaganda. Whether the Reichstag fire was set by Hitler’s people or not, he was quick to use it as a way to strip away civil liberties and establish control over all information received by the entire country.

And if we don’t think anything like that could happen in the United States, we’re fooling ourselves.

It’s long past time for a change. I don’t care how it happened, the fact is we are all in trouble. We need to fix it. If those we’ve elected into office won’t do anything about corruption, greed, lack of accountability and their own constituents starving to death, then WE need to make the changes for them.

OccupyWallSt.org
OccupyTogether.org
Occupytogether.org/events/midwest/missouri/

Question

So let’s say you’re a person working on a project and every time you turn around, something goes wrong with that project. A key person leaves or a scheduled work day go horribly awry, yet you keep plugging away at it, absolutely convinced that what you’re working on is worth all the aggravation.

At what point should you finally stop and say, “hey, this isn’t working out.”? How many whacks to the head should you take before you finally get it? Especially if you’re told time and again what a great big waste of time you’ve created?

There are a few people who believe in the project. They encourage you and help you at every turn and they give you hope that your project really is worth the time and effort. When you finally realize the futility of it all, what do you tell them?

And how do you find a new reason for living? After you’ve spent most of your life working on this project, when you realize its end, what is left?

Drawing a Bullseye

Well, Pagans in the Park got rained on. A lot. And from what I understand, there were statements made that celebrated the fact we were rained on. Apparently there are people out there who believe rain is enough to keep Pagans away. Honestly, I was surprised at the number of people that DID venture out into the rain, but I’m bothered by this knowledge that some would celebrate what they see as a failure for the community.

First of all, rain happens, and honestly we really needed it! It’s been incredibly hot and dry this past summer, so I know the rain was welcomed by many, many people around here. Second, there were a lot of events scheduled for this past weekend. This is the time of year for a lot of the smaller towns around here to celebrate harvest time, too, not to mention Cider Days for our own town of Springfield. Third, as Pagans, aren’t we supposed to enjoy the changes that the Mother brings?

Finally, there are some that will never ever want unity and harmony. They enjoy the drama and the chaos, and actively seek to drive wedges between as many Pagans as they can. You know who you are – so do we (“we” being my group – I’m not that full of myself!).

Oakshade Sanctuary is having a picnic in November. Nothing really over the top or anything. It’s just a chance for us all to get together before the weather gets really nasty and have a nice day in the park.

If you wish to view this as a failure, fine. I know several people have been trying to find some way to discredit me personally for a while now. Well, here ya go. Have fun with it. No point in being secretive anymore, is there?

The Occult and Being "PC"

oc·cult [uh-kuhlt, ok-uhlt] –adjective 1. of or pertaining to magic, astrology, or any system claiming use or knowledge of secret or supernatural powers or agencies. 2. beyond the range of ordinary knowledge or understanding; mysterious. 3. secret; disclosed or communicated only to the initiated. 4. hidden from view

I like to consider myself a student of the occult, but it’s really hard to call something “occult” when you lay everything about it on the table. Or better yet, those things that some might offensive you don’t show to anyone, but you also stop doing them altogether. And that is exactly what I did.

Way back when I first decided to become an advocate for Pagans and Wiccans, I looked at some of our practices and considered how strange some of it must look to those that weren’t raised Pagan – much like some Christian practices look strange to me. I wanted the general public to understand we weren’t a threat to them, but there were a couple (or more) little things in there that I knew people might seize upon and make some crazy accusations. I’ve seen it happen before, with disastrous results. So as a whole, a lot of Pagans and Wiccans kind of became “PC Pagans.”

I know, sad, and a little bit of a sell-out.

Again and again, I would hear stories about how “weird” this person or that person was, and wow, I’m glad not all Pagans are like that, and gee, you all seem so normal. There’s been very little magical workings in full robes around a fire in the dark of night. And you know what? I really, really miss that.

Jut a few years ago, I started looking around at what we had created in our effort to educate and shed a little light on who and what we are. Maybe we shed a little too much light. Maybe it’s time to take a step back and reclaim the shadows. Wicca and Paganism were never meant to be all white light and rainbows and sunshine. There is darkness, death, even war. As we begin to move into the dark part of the year, I believe we should all take a step back and see how out of balance we truly are.

I have a theory – we’ve spent so much time and energy on being Glinda the Good that we’ve totally turned our backs on what it is that helps us realize that which is good. Because of this, weird and strange energies have come into our community and created it’s own form of chaos and discontent. I’m not saying we need to become hate-mongers and start casting hexes on every ass that crosses our paths (tempting though it may be!). But welcome the shadows and the darkness. See them for what they are – a part of the Wheel. And while I still believe in working for tolerance among the general public, I feel very strongly that we need to reclaim the occult within our spirituality.

Samhain is coming…..this is a great time to renew and reconnect.

Oh, and just an fyi – I really dislike that whole “being politically correct” thing.

A Few Thoughts Before Pagans in the Park

Autumn has definitely made it’s presence known here in the Ozarks. The nights have been cooled off to the point of being chilly and the days are clear, wind-blown gems, the kind of day you reminisce about ten years later.

I’ve been busy working outside (finally!) and getting ready for Pagans in the Park. My, what a little hot-button topic for something that is supposed to bring people together! I’ve seen more animosity in just the past couple of weeks than I’ve seen around here for the entire previous year. It’s been a little discouraging, really. It’s this sort of infighting that has caused so much division within our community, and what’s really off-the-wall is that most of the anger and accusations have been coming from those that espouse working together and trying to repair the community!

I do appreciate it when people offer thoughts and advice on how to repair our damaged community. I’d love to see everyone sit down and talk about where it’s all gotten weird and try to pull it back together, but I truly believe that must be done with an open mind and a willingness to listen to EVERYONE’S ideas, not just one person’s. And I know there are a few out there who will say I’m not willing to listen to anyone else’s ideas but my own. I don’t really think that’s true. I still like the idea of trying to create some sort of truly interfaith organization. I’m very much open to anyone else wanting to organize a gathering or a study group that would truly be available to the community as a whole.

The only thing that I think would help with these ideas is if they are done in the spirit of true healing and togetherness, and not out of revenge, jealousy or an attempt to create elitism. Bringing an idea to a public forum generally indicates it’s something for everyone, not just a select few. When I do create a public event, there is almost always someone there I don’t really get along with, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to have them removed or intimidate them into leaving. Just because I have a problem with someone doesn’t mean I get to dictate how everyone else around me deals with them. That’s part of being a mature individual.

I remember a time when everyone around here decided we could get along and we would just agree to disagree. Live and let live. We could come together once or twice a year for big, public events, then go home and teach, practice, worship as we saw fit and not bother to stick our noses into anyone else’s business. That’s all I want. That’s why I keep doing this gathering in September. I’d like to see us return to that one day. Soon.

Please come to Pagans in the Park – September 17th from noon to five p.m. at Fassnight Park. It’ll be a good day – let’s make it a great day.

Dancing the Divine

I love to dance. I’ve been dancing for as long as I’ve been able to walk. I’ve taken classes, worked with instructional videos, tried to copy what I see on TV and generally just made a fool of myself over the years. But I love it. It’s like a visual expression of what music feels like in my soul.

Besides dancing just because I love it, I also very much enjoy using it as an expression of joy in ritual or during a drumming at a Pagan festival. I was twelve the first time I discovered leaping around a bonfire to the drumbeat of several dozen slightly frenzied Pagans – it was amazing! I felt connected to the Gods through the movement of my body. It was a very primal feeling to be lit only by the fire, moving to the drums, surrounded by other dancers and people sitting in a circle around us, swaying to the beat. Pretty heady stuff for a twelve year old, but it certainly confirmed my love for dance, not to mention giving me an opportunity to connect with the Gods.

I’ve been attending festivals for years and years now, and at night you will always find me by the fire, weaving through the dancers. In recent years, as I’ve been studying tribal belly dance, I’ve seen a lot of opportunity to use what I’ve been learning as a way to deepen my connection, not only with the Gods and Goddesses but with the Divine Feminine. For me personally, it’s been a great help.

I’ve often had trouble with being a woman. Not that I don’t want to be a woman – I love who I am! I have trouble relating with the feminine in general. It’s like a part of me is afraid to embrace all the power that being a woman carries with it. Up until a couple of years ago, I always avoided attending any sort of Women’s Mysteries because I managed to convince myself it wasn’t necessary for me to connect with that part of my being. I thought it would be dividing the whole of who we are supposed to be. Boy, was I wrong! It really opened my eyes and helped me to realize it is possible to be feminine and very much a woman without being the evil bitch, the judgmental harpy, the feminazi or any of the other terrible stereotypes we’re constantly being told we are. And I tend to think a lot of my ability to open my mind up to understanding the feminine is due to learning belly dance. It’s given me a safe place to be myself, without fear of judgment or ridicule. I have friends in my troupe and yes, they are like sisters.

I’ve only begun to learn these things. I’ve got a long way to go, but one of the beautiful things about spirituality is there will always be something new to learn. It’s a lot like dance – there’s always something new, something to challenge me and stretch me beyond my limitations. And for me, the two will always be deeply connected.

Act Locally

It’s time to start a new round of discussions in my study group. We’ll be getting together this coming Sunday, and we’ll be kicking off with ethical behavior within the Pagan community. It’s something that apparently doesn’t get enough attention. I would like to think that, as Pagans, we would be above behaving badly, but we are all human, and I know everyone makes mistakes from time to time. However, that doesn’t forgive outright deception.

That’s the thing that bugs me the most – people who call themselves Pagan and they go out of their way to cause trouble for others. Then they turn around and cry “foul!” when they get busted for it. One person in particular decided this area didn’t have any true Pagans when they were found to be misleading a large portion of the community and got caught. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I am guilty of being naïve and wanting to believe everyone really wants to be good and kind. And I would think Pagans would be the most trust-worthy of all the people I know. Yeah -- not so much.

So we will be discussing ethics – again. I am hoping we can touch on what it means to truly attempt to bring a community together and how damaging it is when just one or two people decide to take control through dishonesty and slander. I really think that’s the main problem with our community around here -- one person or one group will decide they know what’s best for everyone, and will go out of their way to gain control. What I have seen, more often than not, is an attempt at discrediting anyone in the community deemed a threat to their grand plan, thus creating a void in any local leadership. Like we have any local leadership around here….. Anyway, I’ve seen it more than once. I don’t understand it. And every time it happens, it splinters our community just a little more.

I sure would like to see us coming together instead of moving apart.

Let me pose this question to the general public – what could we do to bring our community together? What would help to heal instead of making the wound bigger? Can we find common ground, and if so, how do we do it?

I welcome your comments. Please understand, I am very serious about this.

Being Human

I’m a news junkie. I check news websites several times a day and try to keep up with what’s going on in the world. A lot of times I’m left stunned, shaking my head, trying to understand why people behave like they do. I realize I’ll never understand it, but still, what makes people do the things they do sometimes? And why do so many refuse to acknowledge the humanity of others around them?

My biggest confusion comes from war and all it’s atrocities. I will never, ever, ever understand the reasoning behind creating demons and boogie men out of people different from ourselves. I will never understand how killing and maiming and raping is supposed to make the world a better place. I’ve often referred to war as “who has the biggest dick” syndrome, but I know it’s much more complicated than that – politics, religion, boundaries, resources – fighting and insisting that there is only ONE correct answer for whatever conflict has arisen. It solves nothing and creates pain and grief for thousands, often millions.

And it’s just stunning how cruel we can be to one another in wartime. Every day I read stories about the horrifying things that are done to men, women,…..children. I understand the human mind is capable of doing amazing feats by shutting down certain emotional centers such as fear or sadness, but to be completely devoid of all concern or care for another human being….quite frankly, that just scares the crap out of me. It’s almost as if war turns soldiers in to psychopaths.

I understand soldiers are basically just “doing a job,” but someone sent them to do that job. Someone in a position of power sent these people to do these inhumane acts and destroy fellow humans in order to uphold a position deemed “correct.” The U.S. sends soldiers to the Middle East to stop terrorists from blowing up cafes and embassies because it’s deemed the correct thing to do. At the same time, terrorists are blowing up cafes and embassies because they believe that’s the right thing to do. (Please note – I am not condoning violence as an answer to ANYTHING.) In either case, someone is pulling the strings, making the decisions, pushing these people to go out and do these things in the name of something or someone placed on a pedestal.

I do know that soldiers are trained to take orders and not think for themselves. Pretty handy. Works well with the general masses, too. Teach them to believe one thing, hate everything else that’s different and only listen to what this one person over here has to say. So when someone new comes along and says, “hey, I’ve got this other thing I’d like to present,” they are guaranteed to get attacked.

I do wish more people could open their minds to the differences between us all. We can agree to disagree and still live side by side. Just because you don’t like cheddar cheese, and I think it’s the bomb, that doesn’t mean I get to kick your ass for it. If your car is better than mine, then it’s not ok for me to punch you out and take your car. We have got to do a better job of showing compassion for each other. How else are we gonna live here together?

Good Enough

Some people would love to be where I am right now. I’m well aware of that. There are a few folks out there that think I’ve really busted my ass to get where I am. Well, I haven’t really.

There are times when I feel I lead something of a charmed life. Very rarely do I need to exert myself for any purpose – so much in life just seems to come easy for me. I have a really decent job that I thoroughly enjoy, good friends, great kids, and I’m getting ready to move into an awesome little house that pretty much just fell into my lap. Things are pretty good – well, good enough. That should be enough, right?

My whole life I’ve managed to obtain a status of “good enough.” Not great, not excellent, not stellar, just good enough. Sure, I’m overweight, but I don’t think I look horrible and I’m pretty active, so that’s good enough. My car is old and has over 200,000 miles on it, but it runs fine and it’s good enough. I watch all these amazing videos of belly dancers who move with such beauty and grace and fluidity and I wish I could do that, but I have a good time with what I can do and that’s good enough. I’m at the bottom of the pile at my job, but they like me and I do get a decent paycheck, so that’s good enough.

You know what happens when you settle for “good enough?” Nothing. By that, I mean there’s no growth, no moving forward, no real opportunity to achieve a dream – in a word, stagnation. Guess what? That’s not good, certainly not good enough for me.

I have a real lack of discipline. You know those kids in high school who seemed to barely skate by with getting their homework in on time but always blew the grading curve at test time? That was me. I never really learned how to study or managed to figure out a way to just sit down and do my homework – a lot of it got done on the bus that morning – and I’m sure that contributed a lot to the problems I had once I got to college.

I have a really bad habit of not practicing when I should whenever I’m doing one of my hobbies. When I was in rock bands, I never practiced music at home. Strangely enough, I do dance at home, but dancing and playing bass are two very different arts.

I guess you could say I’m lazy. I like having a good time and doing whatever I want to do without being pressured. I take care of the stuff that needs to be taken care of, like paying bills and making sure there’s food in the house, but I’m really bad about waiting until the last minute to do things like vacuum or loading the dishwasher. There’s no real reason for it – I just don’t like to do it. Kinda dumb, right?

So I have learned that if I set my mind to something, I can do it. It’s time for another grand experiment! I’m going to work on creating discipline in my life. I’m going to work on managing my time better and actually making an effort to trim down, get stronger and be the dancer I really want to be. I’m going to work towards moving up in my job. I’m going to work more towards creating community within the Pagan culture.

Here we go….

Hey, What's New?

Sometimes life is a bumpy ride – it can get a little more exciting and fast-paced than what you might actually like, and when that happens I end up running like a mad thing trying to catch up.

So, yeah – hi! It’s been a fun couple of months. Got my youngest graduated from high school, and both boys are registered for college in the fall. Due to our educational needs, we are moving out of the small town and back to the big city. It’ll be good for all of us, and I’m very much looking forward to being closer to my friends and family.

We also experienced tragedy here in the Ozarks. I’m sure everyone heard about the tornado that went through Joplin, MO. Joplin is about an hour’s drive from us – it’s also where my parents were born and where they spent most of their childhood and teen years. I have family in the area, not to mention several friends in the Pagan community.

The toll has been devastating. For those that have been there to help with clean-up, it’s been emotionally draining. For those that are there, their lives have been shattered. But we’re a tough bunch of folks around here, and Joplin is rebuilding. Reports today are saying 60% of the debris has been removed so far and building permits are being issued like mad. A lot has been done, but there’s still a great deal left to do.

So this year, when Pagans in the Park gathers for our annual celebration, I’ll be collecting for Joplin. We usually have a food drive and donate that to Ozarks Food Harvest (or another worthy charity). This year, I’m going to take it to Joplin and make sure it gets in the right hands and helps the right people.

If you’re interested in donating or just attending PITP this year, it will be September 17th at Fassnight Park from noon to five. Joplin will be holding Pagan Pride Day the following weekend. I will be in attendance to both events.

To Be a Minister

I’ve been working on an essay for ordination over the past couple of weeks, and while I’m almost finished, I really feel I need to take a break from it. I’ve been spending a lot of time delving into my reasons for seeking ordination (which I believe is a very important part of the process) and revisiting my reasons for originally becoming a minister. Oh, yes, I am already a legal minister, but this is for the Interfaith Esoteric Fellowship Church.

I’ve always felt a drive to try and help people in any way I can. I’ve known so many people that were looking for some sort of spiritual guidance and were disappointed in what they found. Just because you stick “Reverend” in front of your name, that doesn’t mean you’re worth a flip as a minister. Or a Priestess. Or a Priest.

I’d like to think that my life experiences have been a boon to helping people. I fully realize there are some situations I can’t identify with and I would be a fool to try and help anyone if I don’t understand their circumstances. The nice lady that did my counseling training told me we were, in fact, very limited in providing any sort of mental health help. Oh, sure, as a minister for a church, I am allowed to counsel as much as I think I can handle, but ethically speaking I would be putting myself in a lot of hot water.

I keep thinking about a certain church counselor in our fair little town that managed to convince a teenage girl she had repressed memories of her father sexually abusing her as a young child. Her father was a high-up in the church organization. He was brought up on charges, stripped of his job AND his own ministerial credentials, kicked out of the church and ostracized by his friends. Guilty until proven innocent, right? Oh, wait…. Anyway, the man was found innocent, the counselor was brought up on charges, and the whole thing just kind of disappeared. I never did find out what happened in the end, but I do remember thinking what a tragedy to put a family through that sort of pain – and all because of a church counselor who did not have actual legal certification. But since she was covered by the church, it was ok.

And that, I believe, is a big danger when it comes to being a minister. Or a Priestess. Or a Priest. A candidate will trumpet loudly about helping those around them or offering spiritual guidance to those seeking it, but dig a little deeper and a lot of times you’ll find a massive ego looking for strokes. Why do I think that? Even for myself, I know it’s nice when people tell me how wonderful it is they can come to me for help or advice or for a handfasting – I have painfully little self-esteem (or self-compassion – seems to be the new buzzword) and I need nearly constant approval. And considering the number of Baptist ministers that have been in my family (and knowing their not-so-ministerial behaviors), I’ve gotten an up-close look at the God-like ego that can come with that little piece of paper.

The really sad part is, a person doesn’t even really need that little piece of paper to act as a minister. All you really need is compassion and enough concern to care about those around you.

Well, I suppose I should get back to work. I really don’t have that much left to write, and I know it would take me very little time to finish it. But I am struggling…..

Did you fall off the face of the Earth?

I realize I’ve been rather quiet lately. There’s been a lot going on in my private life, some of which I will tell you all about, and some of which will remain private.

First of all, my nephews’ mother passed away earlier this month. She was thirty seven. It was very sudden and unexpected, and we’re all doing everything we can for the boys. They didn’t live with their mother – my brother had full custody – and she wasn’t in their lives as much as many of us would have liked, but I can’t imagine it would ever be easy to lose one’s mother. If you known me for more than just a couple of years, then I’m sure you’ve heard a few stories about her. However, right now is not the time to go into details about all of it.

Second, I finally went to the doctor for a check-up and blood work and all that happy crap. It’s been at least five years since I’ve been to one, probably longer. I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight since then and I’ve been having a lot of trouble with a few other things that I thought were because of a wonky thyroid. Well, my blood tests all came back within acceptable parameters, and all the working parts are in good order, so the doctor put me back on my happy pills. That means I’m on antidepressants again. I’m not a big fan of better living through chemicals, but wouldn’t you know it, a month later and things are getting better. Granted, the last year and a half I’ve seen a HUGE number of changes in my life and overall there’s been great improvement in the quality of my life, but once again I am faced with the fact that there’s a problem with my chemical make-up. Don’t know why, but I do much better with the whole “massive depression” thing whenever I take the damn meds.

Third, my youngest is about to graduate from high school. Holy moley, we are busy! There’s prom, jazz band competitions and Spring concerts, parties, the graduation itself, and then his birthday, all within the month.

All that coupled with Beltane this weekend, and it’s all I can do to keep my sanity!

So this weekend, I will be out in the woods, dancing ‘round the May pole and leaping balefires with my friends. I definitely need the get-away to recenter myself for next few months – it’s gonna be crazy busy! If you are able, I hope you can join us soon for one of our get-togethers.

There’s more to come!

A Call To Pagan Activists

Well. Apparently, there is a need for Pagan activists again.

I spent a good fifteen years working mostly with local people and organizations to educate about Paganism and Wicca, explaining who we are and what we do. My goal was to help develop tolerance and foster a “live and let live” attitude with folks who didn’t understand Pagans. Mostly, I wanted to make sure my boys could grow up in a friendlier atmosphere than I did. Once they hit high school, I felt they were going to be ok and would be able to graduate without the crap I went through growing up. Achievement!

There have been several stories lately that have made me stop and wonder where all my work went. Here is the story of a woman fired because of her religion, which, last I knew was illegal. Her supervisors even stated in the termination letter that part of the problem was because she is a Witch! And here is a story from Daily Kos about an evangelical movement to “drive out the demons” in communities so they can destroy Witchcraft and anything that isn’t their brand of Christianity. Hooray for tolerance…..

I had hoped at this point in my life to continue working towards spiritual growth and teaching with my friends. It would seem I will be teaching – maybe part of my spiritual growth is in helping others to understand us and possibly achieve an attitude of tolerance, so we don’t get fired for our beliefs or have our lives threatened.

Seriously, I thought we were past this.

...Run In Circles, Scream and Shout....

Ever have one of those days where you have a million things you want to say, and you just can’t seem to get it all into a single coherent thought process? Yeah, I’ve been having one of those weeks!

I’m getting ready for Beltane in about a month and a half. It’s been a while since I felt like I was up to the “big” celebration, and I’m glad to be able to bring the open celebration back to our area. For a long time, I felt like I couldn’t do anything on a spiritual level unless I had a Priest or some sort of male energy to help balance the work, but I’ve learned that I don’t need to have anyone else around in order to do the things I want to do. Sure, it would be nice to have a good Priest to help with rituals and teachings, but it’s not as necessary as I thought. So in all my flaky glory, I hope those of you that are planning to attend Beltane enjoy the little show I’m working on!

I’ve also been putting a lot of energy towards my belly dancing stuff lately. There’s a lot going on, and I’m totally loving all of it. Even with as much as I’m doing, I want to learn more, do more, dance more. I figure that’s got to be a good sign – otherwise I know I would be bored by now.

My study group, Oakshade Sanctuary, is doing very well. With every class, I see more cohesion and more growth. I hope that’s what everyone else is experiencing as well. That’s one thing that has always been very important to me – why bother sharing knowledge if it does no good? If folks were just showing up and not getting anything out of it, I wouldn’t keep doing this. But even as some people decide to move on, others come to learn, so I’ll keep going for as long as people want to keep attending. Next month will be two years that I’ve been running this study group. Maybe we should have a party….

The Interfaith Esoteric Fellowship Church is nearly done writing up articles for it’s bylaws. Pretty excited about that! There will be an interfaith service on April 9th at Middleworld Woods, so if you’re interested in attending, drop me a line and I’ll get you pointed in the right direction for that.

Hm…..is that everything?

It's Almost Here....

I am such a child of the warm summer months! Winter is nearly over, and I can feel myself becoming energized again to follow through on my projects. There are two of them that are near and dear to my heart.

The first “project” that I love is my belly dancing. It’s not so much a project as it is an obsession! I’ve always loved to dance, for as long as I can remember. Somewhere out there in the world is an old Super8 film from the late Sixties, maybe even 1970, of my little brother and myself dancing around the living room to music. Little brother’s legs were still pretty bowed (he was born somewhat bow-legged), so I would say I was around three or four at the time. So, yes, it’s been a life-long love affair, and I’m very glad to be dancing now with a wonderful bunch of ladies. I hope to dance until I just can’t move anymore.

The second project is, of course, my study group. We’ve been going strong for two years now, and I’m just so tickled! We’ve covered a lot of subjects, had some fantastic discussions, made great new friends and even weathered a few tough times together. As we’ve grown and learned, I feel it’s time to start working more towards personal spiritual growth. It’s fun to talk about Tarot cards and gemstones and test ourselves for psychic abilities, but I’m feeling a pull towards worship and communing with the Gods.

I have a course of study that I helped write several years ago. I’m going to take that material and use it as a base for a new course of study. I’ve learned a lot since I worked on the original course, and I want to share that in our studies. We have a wonderful opportunity to work together and become so much more than just a study group.

There is work to be done. If you feel so inspired, I hope you will join with us.

Confiding

I have had trouble my entire life learning to open up to people and talk when something is bothering me. I keep a journal instead. It’s something that started when I was about twelve or thirteen when I was given the very clear message that my thoughts and feelings did not matter and I needed to keep it all to myself.

I’ve had several people tell me I need to learn to open up, including several counselors over the course of the years, and I have worked at it, even succeeded to a point. Unfortunately, I chose to trust the wrong person and a lot of very personal issues were twisted and used against me and I have since closed off all access again. So I do this – I blog, opening up tiny little bits here and there, trying to find some sort of connection that will allow me to be a little bit vulnerable without opening myself up for an all-out body slam of pain.

Well, it was brought up to me again recently that I really need to find someone to confide in and trust. Pretty tall order! Thirty years of telling myself no one wants to hear my crap is pretty heavily ingrained. As I’ve tried to tell folks before, I can’t just start talking and expect to be able to open up like that. I know everyone has problems, and I know everyone should be able to talk with someone about them, and I’m great at listening to other people, but I am lousy at doing it myself. That’s just pretty much how it is for me.

As I get older, I’m starting to consider what unrealistic expectations I need to release. Would I like to find someone I can trust like that? Sure. Do I have friends now I could trust? I’m sure I do, but like I said, everyone has problems. Gods know mine aren’t nearly as bad as some people, so why should I go around bothering other people with my trivial garbage?

So I guess all this means is, if I don’t tell you what’s bothering me, it’s not that won’t….I just can’t.

Collecting All The Pieces

I had a minor meltdown in January. It’s taken me a little while to figure what was going on, and I think I’ve got it sorted out now for the most part. I was drinking more than I needed to be, and doing things I knew I shouldn’t be doing, but doing them anyway. That coupled with what I’m sure were meant to be little white lies designed to protect me (or themselves) – it was all a very bad combination that got out of my control in an ugly way.

Now that I’ve had some time to pull my shit back together, I’ve been considering the legend of Inanna and her descent into the Underworld. A few of us talked about it a bit last night, and how her descent represents the stripping away of all that weighs us down and prepares us for initiation. Here is an excellent writing by Dan Sewell Ward that goes into more detail about the symbolism of death and rebirth as it applies to initiation. I find this particular version appealing because of the representation of Erishkegal as the dark half of Inanna and being the vessel for Inanna’s rebirth.

I’m not saying I’ve been through some great initiatory process and I’m all renewed now. I’ve gone through too many little emotional breaks over the years, and I know that’s just not the case, at least for me. But I have learned to take these lessons (as I see them) and learn something from them. Usually it’s something very personal that I won’t necessarily share with the rest of the world. However, with each bit that I learn about myself, the stronger I become, and at the same time I find joy in knowing there is still more to learn about myself.

To that end, here’s something I wrote last week:

“I’m not perfect. Far from it. I’m a little crazy, and when I drink too much, I’m a lot crazy. I’ve been hurt – by people I would have trusted with my life – until I realized my life didn’t mean that much to them. I’ve got issues, problems, just like everyone else. I have a real problem with intimacy. Not physical, but emotional. I can talk a good game, but when it comes right down to it, I’m terrified to open myself to another. I have a bad habit of trusting the wrong people – or maybe I’ve just been letting everyone get away with treating me like I don’t matter. I know I matter, and one day I hope to find someone that thinks I matter, too.

My heart’s been broken many times, but I think I have all the pieces now. I can finally say that no one has a tiny part of me anymore. It’s not without it’s flaws, but my heart is whole. I’m just now learning how to use it again.”

Learning New Tricks

My email inbox is constantly inundated with “special messages, just for ME!” about how I can stay sexy forever, feel ten years younger, enlarge my…well, anyway – yeah, lots of junk aimed towards (mostly) a woman of my age. It’s my own fault. At times I get a little panicked and I will click on the ad that promises the Fountain of Youth, even though I know there’s probably just some sort of costly scam at the other end.

As a Pagan woman, I’m supposed to be ok with being mature, and I keep hearing about how forty is the new thirty, and we’re all so much healthier and feeling younger these days, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. I’d love to be able to say I feel empowered and strong, but I don’t, really. I’ve done a few good things for the local Pagan community, and I hope to continue doing things for the Pagan community, but the truth of the matter is I know I could do more – I just haven’t.

When I was younger, I had this little dream about meeting someone that could work with me, side by side, be my partner and my Priest. So of course, the father of my boys is a Baptist. He’s a good guy – he’s even gone to a Pagan festival with me! – but he is Christian, and I would certainly never try to persuade anyone to change who they are. Over the years, I’ve gone through a string of potential possibilities, but apparently I’m just crazy enough that they’ve all run screaming into the night. After these past two years, I’ve made a decision….

It’s not gonna happen. As much as I would like to find someone like that, I’m really starting to believe that no such person exists. At all. All these years of meeting and dating while looking for this idealized mate could have been spent just doing what needed to be done for the community. I’ve always held the belief that no group, grove, coven, clan, whatever, could operate without having both Priest and Priestess, but it’s time to let that one go and get to work.

See, even though I’m older, I can still learn!

On another subject, I did go to Seymour to face down the Westboro Baptist Church. They never showed. I heard a rumor that they drove by, saw how many people showed up, and just kept on going. Fine by me!

Westboro Baptist is Comin' to Town!

Well, Ok, they're not coming to Springfield - evidently they are planning on protesting the funeral of a soldier from Seymour. I would like to go to Seymour and let WBC know what I think of their crappy protest, but I'm conflicted....

Yes, I believe in the right to peaceably assemble and protest - that's First Amendment stuff. However, I also believe in a family's right to grieve in peace, without having to deal with the three-ring-circus that is WBC. I believe in the freedom to worship and assign faith as we see fit, but I also believe Fred Phelps is a closet homosexual. Hey, it's a free country, and that's just my opinion!

I very much believe that WBC only does these protests as a way to garner attention and provoke assault - if you aren't familiar with Westboro Baptist Church (and I use the term "church" loosely here), it's made up mostly of members of the Phelps family - and most of them are attorneys. Here is a fantastic op-ed piece about Fred Phelps and his church. Pretty well sums up my opinion of their activities as well....which is why I'm having so much trouble trying to decide about this protest tomorrow.

Do I go? If I do, I show support for this man that gave his life in service to our country - where it's legal to protest his funeral. Conversely, if I go, it gives WBC what they want - attention and a possible lawsuit. They've succeeded in outraging enough people in this country that no matter where they go, they will be met by opposition. That just plays right into their little game. Most that counter-protest them have learned to keep silent and provide a barrier between them and whatever event they are protesting, and that's great - but I don't know that I could keep silent. I sincerely dislike WBC.

So I'm torn. What to do? I don't know. If we ignore them, I'm afraid they won't just go away, at least as long as Fred is alive. One day, yes, they will be gone, and we can live our lives again without their crazy neon signs with inflammatory slogans all over the place. I've been tracking these people for years, and the only good thing I can say is they are universally despised. And tomorrow, they will be despised in one of our own little Ozarks towns -- well, that is if they actually show.

Definition of Insanity

How do you know when it’s time to make a major change in your life? Do you need a major event to occur before you can set out to make changes, or do you wait for some arbitrary date on a calendar? And how deep do those changes go? Are they superficial, like dropping a few pounds or getting a new haircut, or are they really major, like severing ties to toxic people?

There is something somewhat magical and moving about New Year’s Eve, especially when you’re standing by yourself in the middle of a crowd of people you don’t know, wondering what the hell you’ve done with your life up till now. Times Square, any bar in any town, your own home – it’s one of those things you can’t stop from happening. Time will continue, whether you choose to move with it or not.

I’ve spent a considerable amount of time reflecting on myself, my actions, my f’ed up life, and here’s some thoughts –

I thought I liked who I was, but I don’t.

I cannot build a new life on my old life. It’s crap. So I’m closing the door on the old life and starting from scratch.

I’ve been lying to myself for entirely too long. So have a few other people.

Fenix needs to go. The power I gathered from that name is long gone.

I have a drinking problem.

What brought this about? Really, does it matter? Yes, there were events, but it’s not necessary for the world to know about them. What matters is this person that you know is changing. And yes, I know – we are all changing, all the time – but this change will take me off my current path. I’m tired of it.

Definition of insanity – doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

Aaaaand there it is!

Sometimes my brain needs a little time to chew on a thought before it comes to a conclusion. I knew there was more to what I had written in my last blog - and here it is.

Evil is subjective, yes, but I think you'll be hard-pressed to find any Pagan or Free-thinker that wouldn't agree with this: true evil is forcing another human being to suppress their natural tendencies and free will.

Say, for instance, your son is left-handed, but that just really freaks you out. You force him to write with his right hand, eat with his right hand, color, brush his teeth, hit a baseball, all with his right hand. You even go so far as to tie his left arm behind him so he can't use it at all.

It's been a while back, but I remember reading some studies done years ago on left-handed kids that were forced to use only their right hands, and the scientists doing these studies learned some interesting things (for the record, I'm left-handed). Turns out a lot of those kids had problems with anger, social interaction, clumsiness, poor test scores, stuff that seemed random if you looked at each child individually, but when they started paying more attention to it, they started seeing correlations between forcing a child to go against their natural tendencies and all these other problems they were having later on.

Yeah - think about that for a minute.

What other natural tendencies can you think of that "well-intentioned" people have tried to force others to give up? And just who is it that's trying to force others to bend to their will? Hmm.....