I spent last weekend at home, by myself. My car is down right now, and my wonderful boys went to spend the weekend with their father. So I took the opportunity to do some house cleaning and a little brain cleaning while I was at it.
The house cleaning was pretty run of the mill stuff – mop floors, shampoo carpets – oh, and fix the back door. I even put up our Yule tree and decorated the living room and the fireplace. It’s all happy and festive in our house now.
The part about cleaning out my brain, well, that was kind of unexpected. Usually when I’m by myself on the weekend, I’ll pick up a bottle of wine and mellow out with a glass or three. This past weekend, I decided not to. I learned a few things.
Number one, the guy I’ve been dating is probably not going to be the guy I’ve been dating anymore. I knew he enjoyed a few beers at night – apparently it’s every night. On the plus side, he doesn’t drive after he’s been drinking, so that’s good. On the negative side, because of that, he has never been inside my house. Ever. He’s actually only been there one time, but he didn’t come in. Now, I understand there are people who have problems going into strange places and stuff like that, but looking over the past couple of months, I’m seeing there’s a lot more to this than I originally thought. Time to move on.
Number two, I got a LOT more done this past weekend than I have in quite a while. Granted, I still didn’t get my car fixed, but I got a ton of stuff done around the house that needed to be done. I feel good about that. I can’t say for sure whether or not it’s because I didn’t do my usual mellowing thing, but I do know that I got a lot of stuff done late into the night when I would normally be sitting on the couch watching “Adult Swim.”
Yes, that’s right. I watch “Adult Swim.”
Number three – and this one is kind of big – part of the reason for unwinding with a glass of wine (or more) is because my thoughts tend to race ninety miles an hour all the time. Slowing them down or even silencing them for a while can be very helpful. However, there are a lot of those thoughts that have negativity attached to them. Yes, I do have good thoughts, creative thoughts, happy thoughts, but the negative ones tend to be a lot louder and more obnoxious. Those are the ones I’m usually trying to shut down. In the process, everything else gets shut down, too. So in letting everything run rampant this weekend – good, bad and in between – I realized something that rather stunned me.
In my attempts to stop the negative thoughts, I was actually adding more to them. My self-respect got shredded some years back. And yes, I meant self-respect, not self-confidence, although I’ve had neither one for quite some time. When a person has no respect for themselves, they will do and say things that most people will find shocking and horrifying. Oh yes, I’ve done things…..but anyway…..
It seems to me that if a person DOES respect themselves, they wouldn’t find it necessary to kill brain cells on a regular basis in an attempt to pickle themselves for all eternity. There are people in my life that I love who drink more than they should, and they know it. I wish I could get them to change that, but they are the only ones who can make that change. In the meantime, I have said something to them from time to time, and they know it’s because I do care about their well-being. I have a fair idea as to why they drink like they do, but again, they are the only ones that can deal with their reasons. The only person I can change is me. So that’s what I’m doing.
And it’s weird! Here it is, the beginning of the week, and my thoughts are clear and my face isn’t puffy. I actually feel like I got some rest this past weekend, despite the butt-busting pace I had.
Most importantly, there’s a change in how I see myself. It is scary, but cool. Relearning how to love oneself is truly tough, but I’m seeing where it’s totally worth it. And looking back over the past couple of years, I can see where I have had issues with loving myself. I’ve allowed myself to be put in some strange and awkward situations because the self-respect just wasn’t there. I know it may seem silly to a few folks, but it’s important to me to finally realize – I do deserve better. First and foremost, I have to take care of me. Otherwise, all that other stuff just doesn’t matter.
I don’t know why this had to be so difficult for me to learn. Maybe I’ve allowed too many negative people to manipulate me over the years. I know I’m an easy target, and I’m naïve when it comes to trusting people. But hey, I’m learning.
So that’s my thang for right now. It has to be done, and I’m glad to do it. Still learning…..
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