Evil - Subjective for Who?

I spent a lovely afternoon in the woods today, wandering up and down the old hills of the Ozarks. It's winter now, and all the trees are stripped bare - you can see for miles when you stand on top of a knob (that's a hill with no trees on top of it, for those that don't know). I enjoy taking this time to think, and I have much to think about these days.

Whenever I spend time outdoors, I try to understand how anyone could assign such things as "good" and "evil" to Nature. Nature just is - there's life, death, survival, beauty, joy, sorrow - our own reactions to what goes on around us is supposed to be a natural thing as well, and yet I constantly see and hear various people dictating how others should react or behave. If you're hungry, you should eat, right? Oh, but if you're even the tiniest bit overweight, you really shouldn't, so just deny yourself what your body is asking for and go against what is essentially one of the most basic and natural conditions known.

When we're happy, we laugh - but be careful because if you laugh too much, people will think you're just stupid, and goodness knows, we don't want anything to think you're stupid, right? That would be bad.... When we're sad, sometimes we cry - but not if your a guy, because guys don't cry... you might be mistaken for something LESS than a man...you know, a girl.... When we're angry, we rage - oh, but that's such an ugly thing to show... we don't want people to see something THAT ugly, because then they might actually think we're angry about something!

Shocking! A real emotion!

When did this all go down the road of badness? Why is it wrong for us to be in touch with our real feelings and deal with them in real situations and on a basic level? Who was it that came along and said, "say, you folks really need to quit acting like yourselves, because that's not right. You need to start acting THIS way - stop enjoying yourselves, stop being spiritual and communing with what's natural, stop loving everyone, stop dancing and drinking, because if you don't, something very terrible is going to happen to you!"

Oh, wait, I think his name was Paul....

Anyway, maybe this guy didn't have proof of something horrible happening if the people didn't stop being happy and normal, but somewhere down the line someone DID have armies at their disposal that could wipe out entire villages if they didn't start following the new company policy. And think about the perks! Wipe out a village and what do you have left? Land, livestock, gold, maybe some jewels.... And if the village did decide to follow the new company policy, what would you get then? Land, livestock, gold - just sign it over to the company, please, and we won't torch your hut! See you on Sunday! Bring money....

Three easy steps to global domination!

And just to make sure no one back-slides and starts dancing in the woods again, let's wrap all that good stuff in shiny red satin and call it EVIL. Punishable by eternity in a fiery pit of lava.

I've been going back and revisiting a lot of what it is that's supposed to be bad. I remember in the late Eighties and early Nineties, my mother had several books by a loon named Texx Marrs. He was supposedly some sort of guru on the evils of the New Age movement - made for great laughs. He declared people like John Denver and Al Gore as Satanic because they believed in environmental conservation. Cartoons like He-Man and Rainbow Brite were evil because they taught children self-confidence and *gasp!* self-love (as in learning to love oneself, not what most kids figure out later in their adolescence! - although that was evil, too....). That sort of stuff is pretty easy to look and say, "yeah, whatever!"

What I was curious about is what most would consider the darker aspects of God and Goddess, and even to a point what most Pagans would consider unethical. Nearly everything we call "unethical" today was most likely "ok" at some point and time in the past. Not saying that makes it ok now - just suggesting a different viewpoint. I am really starting to question why certain actions are considered "dark" or even "unethical" - if a person is trying to follow the Wiccan Rede, I'm sure just about everyone is aware these days that it's damn near impossible to get through life without causing pain at some point and time. It's caused me great distress, because that's how I was raised. No one ever bothered to tell me how to deal with it if I did cause pain. Well, I take that back - one guy did tell me "oh, well - no one ever said life is fair." Yeah, he was real role model.

It bothers me to see Pagans turning away from a thought or idea because it's darker than what they care to see. Excluding an entire school of thought because it makes you uncomfortable is like sleeping with the lights on because of the monster you're sure is under the bed. If there is a monster, he's gonna get you either way. Pretending it isn't there won't make it go away.

But in this case, I want to know - what makes something "dark," "evil," "unethical," or even just "uncomfortable?" I don't believe in evil or absolutes - everything is gray. Where does one draw that imaginary line? Is this truly something we decide for ourselves?

Oh, and in case you're wondering - which I'm sure you're not - the one thing I struggle the most with is manipulation of free will. If people would just do what I want them to, the world would be a much better place! Kidding....

Done (as originally posted on Xanga)

Introspection is never easy, especially for someone that is supposed to be so outgoing. Well, I have my moments.

I’m at an age where I am ok with where I am, I’m pretty clear about what I want, and I don’t need people to tell me who my friends should be or how I should behave. Hell, I don’t even do that to my own boys. It’s very disheartening to know I’m still not considered “grown-up” enough to make my own decisions.

What will it take to have my own opinions considered valid? If I make a mistake, then it’s my mistake to make. God knows I have had the opportunity to make some really monumental mistakes - for instance, I refused to do any amateur porn, despite the almost constant urging of an ex-partner. I don’t do drugs, despite the ridicule of those around me for not partaking. I did not move my boys all over the country, even though I thought that was normal when I was growing up.

Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, some big, some small. I freely admit my latest screw-up was trusting someone when they told me we could see each other casually, then when it quite suddenly ended, I was told it wasn’t because of anyone else. It’s only because I want to trust people so badly - but there again, I often find myself making mistakes.

I’ve mentioned a couple of times in other places about “the rules.” There are unspoken and unwritten rules that we are expected to comply to and follow. So far, following the rules has done nothing but gotten me hurt and run over, again and again. So that’s enough of that crap. It seems like everyone expects me to behave, be the good girl, do all the right things, but those around me can do whatever they want and my expectations, my feelings just don’t matter. I’m done - whether or not my needs matter to anyone else but me, they will be met.

I’ve already taken some steps to figure out my true path - I feel better about myself. However, growth sometimes require trimming away the old bits so the new bits can get what they need. I am removing those parts of my life that are no longer healthy and I am allowing myself to experience the new parts of my life fully.

Time to move on.

Moving Blog

Since I've joined Xanga, I've had nothing but problems with it, so I'm moving to a site I know won't flake over the tiniest changes. Feel free to follow me here.