I’m a little different. My brain isn’t wired quite like other people’s and as such, I miss a lot of non-verbal communication that most come by naturally. For instance, I don’t always catch sarcasm or joking around. I suck at flirting, and when someone is flirting with me, I have no idea. I can’t tell the difference between someone just being nice to me or coming on to me. I’m entirely too trusting and I have a hard time understanding why other people can’t just be honest. My emotional responses don’t always match the circumstances. I actually had to train myself how to deal with social situations and to respond appropriately. Thank goodness for all those years of theater!
When I’m tired or stressed, I stutter. A lot of times during a conversation, my thought patterns start getting circular and I can’t make the words match what I’m thinking. I do much better in situations where there is some planning beforehand, like a class. I really enjoy writing, though – it gives me time to organize my thoughts into a more rational and coherent flow. That’s one of the reasons why I started a blog. I have things I would like to say, but when I start trying to put it out into a conversation, I stumble and trip over the words and I end up looking like an air-headed flake. I even attempted a video blog at one point, but after I did my first recording, I realized I look just as bad on video as I do in real life.
For a long time, I hated how flighty I seemed to be to everyone. I know I’m smart and I do have the ability to put forth some interesting ideas. Granted, being a chubby, blue-eyed, giggly girly girl tends to take away a good portion of credibility, but deep down, I know what I’m capable of doing. I thought maturity would help with that image, then I discovered – much to my horror – that I don’t seem to be maturing. Sure, I’m getting older, but I’m certainly not maturing!
As recently as two years ago, I still thought it mattered what people think of me. I put so much effort into being a respectable mom, a diligent employee, a model citizen, blah, blah, blah. Know what happened? My boys hated it – their mom is unique and weird and cool….what’s with the normalcy? My workplace really doesn’t care about my appearance – my work speaks for itself.
And as for the rest of the world? They don’t care. Nor do they matter.
Just over a year ago I said something about rebuilding my life on a new foundation instead of the remnants of my old life. I have put a lot of distance between myself and those that spent a lot of time judging me. Now that I’m out of their line of sight, they have turned their attentions to other people they deem beneath them. You know how it is – some people have to put others down just so they can make themselves feel taller. But I digress….
I have rebuilt my life, and I am no longer concerned with whether or not my weirdness passes anyone’s muster. This is who I am. I think being comfortable with myself was maybe a bit more difficult because I could never really fit neatly into the usual definitions of “normal.” Fortunately for me, most of my friends are the same way!
For those of you that haven’t met me yet, or have only met me a few times, thank you for indulging me here today.
It has been vitally important for me to find a way to tell my story. It has also been important to understand why I tell this. I know there are a lot of people out there who are like me, who find it difficult to reach out to others. I freely admit to having problems with getting close to people. Because I am so trusting, unscrupulous people have taken advantage of that on numerous occasions. I know there are other people out there who have had their worlds shattered by the very ones they trusted with their heart and soul. So I write about my trials and tribulations in hopes of giving at least one other person some insight and see that it is possible to become yourself. It is possible to rise above our self-proposed limitations and become our true selves, without boundaries and without bonds. It’s even possible to do it without all the self-help gurus – each person’s experience is unique and they are the only one that can find their path.
May you find your path.
