"Oh, no! She's baring her soul!!"

How much do you feel comfortable sharing about your life?  Me, I don’t care so much anymore.  I’ve had my name (and more) dragged through the muck and mire, have had several people work pretty hard at discrediting me as any sort of an honorable person, been stabbed in the back more times than I can count – oh, it goes on and on.  And I really just don’t care anymore.

So I’ve gotten to a point where sometimes I overshare.  Sometimes I tell people more about myself than I probably should.  Sometimes I express what I’m feeling when it would serve me much better to just keep my mouth shut and leave things as they are.  But then, that’s just me.  At least, it’s me right now.  It was certainly me this past month.

I’ve mentioned before that I am on antidepressants.  It’s just the way it is for me – I take the happy pills and I don’t do anything stupid or crazy.  About a month and a half ago, I decided to try the mail-order service that my insurance offers.  I sent in my brand new script and waited for them to fill it.  When I got my prescription, I noticed that the brand of generic they used was different from any of the other brands I’d had previously.  Didn’t think much of it  --  until about three weeks into the new prescription.

When a person takes antidepressants, it generally takes anywhere from two to four weeks for them to notice a difference.  When a person stops taking their meds, again, it takes about two to four weeks for all of the medication to get out of their system.  Same for changes in prescription as well.  And, as it turns out, it takes about the same amount of time to realize when a prescription just flat isn’t working anymore.  I don’t know why, but for whatever reason, the brand that my insurance company sent had very little effect on me.  I became severely depressed, couldn’t focus or concentrate, obsessed over the dumbest things and said things I really should not have said.  To several people.  Including the guy I was dating.  Argh.

Well, I’m back on a brand of medication that works for me, and I’m doing much better.  It’s only been a week, but my thoughts are much clearer and I’m in control of my actions and reactions again.  Unfortunately, it’s too late to fix the damage that’s been done.  I suppose the only good thing to come out of this is that it’s got me back into the counselor’s office to work on why I freak out so badly over feelings of affection.  Well, that and I may well end up with at least gaining a new friend from the dating experience.  Probably about all I’m good for at this point.

It is frustrating and somewhat distressing to me that I am having so many problems letting anyone get close to me – thus the counseling.  But then, it’s just me, right?  At least, it’s me right now…..

Collecting All The Pieces

I had a minor meltdown in January. It’s taken me a little while to figure what was going on, and I think I’ve got it sorted out now for the most part. I was drinking more than I needed to be, and doing things I knew I shouldn’t be doing, but doing them anyway. That coupled with what I’m sure were meant to be little white lies designed to protect me (or themselves) – it was all a very bad combination that got out of my control in an ugly way.

Now that I’ve had some time to pull my shit back together, I’ve been considering the legend of Inanna and her descent into the Underworld. A few of us talked about it a bit last night, and how her descent represents the stripping away of all that weighs us down and prepares us for initiation. Here is an excellent writing by Dan Sewell Ward that goes into more detail about the symbolism of death and rebirth as it applies to initiation. I find this particular version appealing because of the representation of Erishkegal as the dark half of Inanna and being the vessel for Inanna’s rebirth.

I’m not saying I’ve been through some great initiatory process and I’m all renewed now. I’ve gone through too many little emotional breaks over the years, and I know that’s just not the case, at least for me. But I have learned to take these lessons (as I see them) and learn something from them. Usually it’s something very personal that I won’t necessarily share with the rest of the world. However, with each bit that I learn about myself, the stronger I become, and at the same time I find joy in knowing there is still more to learn about myself.

To that end, here’s something I wrote last week:

“I’m not perfect. Far from it. I’m a little crazy, and when I drink too much, I’m a lot crazy. I’ve been hurt – by people I would have trusted with my life – until I realized my life didn’t mean that much to them. I’ve got issues, problems, just like everyone else. I have a real problem with intimacy. Not physical, but emotional. I can talk a good game, but when it comes right down to it, I’m terrified to open myself to another. I have a bad habit of trusting the wrong people – or maybe I’ve just been letting everyone get away with treating me like I don’t matter. I know I matter, and one day I hope to find someone that thinks I matter, too.

My heart’s been broken many times, but I think I have all the pieces now. I can finally say that no one has a tiny part of me anymore. It’s not without it’s flaws, but my heart is whole. I’m just now learning how to use it again.”