I'm That Person

Some years ago, I had a friend that decided he was in love with me.  That was rather awkward for me because I didn’t feel the same way about him, yet he continued to pursue me.  I told him “no” several times, which made it all the worse when he poured his heart out to me about his feelings.  I felt like crap for that.

This went on for years, even when I was married, and there was even a point where I almost caved – but that didn’t happen, and a couple of years ago he actually met someone he could fall in love with, and he recently got married.  I’m thrilled for him and I hope they have many happy years together.

Something else that happened a couple of years ago….. I realized I was in a similar situation….except this time I was the pursuer.  I had this dumb little crush on a friend, and I kept thinking it would go away.  Except it didn’t.  I tried a couple of times to tell him, but of course, he wasn’t interested.  And I started thinking about how awful it must be for him to put up with a loser like myself trying to express their feelings to him, and it suddenly occurred me….

I’ve become That Person.

When I was younger and fair bit more attractive, there was almost always some guy following me around like a lost puppy, trying to convince me that he would make me SO HAPPY if only I would give him a chance.  No matter how gently or harshly I tried to let them down, they would not give up.   Sometimes it was annoying, but most of the time, it just made me feel like an awful person – awful for not being able to even try to date this person, awful for not being able to see the beauty in everyone, awful for just being myself and doing whatever it was that made these guys think they were in love with me.  On the one hand, it irritated me some, but on the other, I felt sorry for these guys.

And, oh my lord, pity is the last thing I would ever want.

So with that jarring realization, I have since put a lid on those feelings and work really hard to ignore them whenever I’m around him.  I think he thinks I’m mad at him.  I’m not.  I’m mostly just mad at myself and trying not to inflict my irrational affections upon him.  And hopefully, one of these days, I’ll meet someone else.  Someone I can fall in love with and be happy.  Because don’t we all deserve that much?