Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Dancing the Divine

I love to dance. I’ve been dancing for as long as I’ve been able to walk. I’ve taken classes, worked with instructional videos, tried to copy what I see on TV and generally just made a fool of myself over the years. But I love it. It’s like a visual expression of what music feels like in my soul.

Besides dancing just because I love it, I also very much enjoy using it as an expression of joy in ritual or during a drumming at a Pagan festival. I was twelve the first time I discovered leaping around a bonfire to the drumbeat of several dozen slightly frenzied Pagans – it was amazing! I felt connected to the Gods through the movement of my body. It was a very primal feeling to be lit only by the fire, moving to the drums, surrounded by other dancers and people sitting in a circle around us, swaying to the beat. Pretty heady stuff for a twelve year old, but it certainly confirmed my love for dance, not to mention giving me an opportunity to connect with the Gods.

I’ve been attending festivals for years and years now, and at night you will always find me by the fire, weaving through the dancers. In recent years, as I’ve been studying tribal belly dance, I’ve seen a lot of opportunity to use what I’ve been learning as a way to deepen my connection, not only with the Gods and Goddesses but with the Divine Feminine. For me personally, it’s been a great help.

I’ve often had trouble with being a woman. Not that I don’t want to be a woman – I love who I am! I have trouble relating with the feminine in general. It’s like a part of me is afraid to embrace all the power that being a woman carries with it. Up until a couple of years ago, I always avoided attending any sort of Women’s Mysteries because I managed to convince myself it wasn’t necessary for me to connect with that part of my being. I thought it would be dividing the whole of who we are supposed to be. Boy, was I wrong! It really opened my eyes and helped me to realize it is possible to be feminine and very much a woman without being the evil bitch, the judgmental harpy, the feminazi or any of the other terrible stereotypes we’re constantly being told we are. And I tend to think a lot of my ability to open my mind up to understanding the feminine is due to learning belly dance. It’s given me a safe place to be myself, without fear of judgment or ridicule. I have friends in my troupe and yes, they are like sisters.

I’ve only begun to learn these things. I’ve got a long way to go, but one of the beautiful things about spirituality is there will always be something new to learn. It’s a lot like dance – there’s always something new, something to challenge me and stretch me beyond my limitations. And for me, the two will always be deeply connected.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Act Locally

It’s time to start a new round of discussions in my study group. We’ll be getting together this coming Sunday, and we’ll be kicking off with ethical behavior within the Pagan community. It’s something that apparently doesn’t get enough attention. I would like to think that, as Pagans, we would be above behaving badly, but we are all human, and I know everyone makes mistakes from time to time. However, that doesn’t forgive outright deception.

That’s the thing that bugs me the most – people who call themselves Pagan and they go out of their way to cause trouble for others. Then they turn around and cry “foul!” when they get busted for it. One person in particular decided this area didn’t have any true Pagans when they were found to be misleading a large portion of the community and got caught. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I am guilty of being naïve and wanting to believe everyone really wants to be good and kind. And I would think Pagans would be the most trust-worthy of all the people I know. Yeah -- not so much.

So we will be discussing ethics – again. I am hoping we can touch on what it means to truly attempt to bring a community together and how damaging it is when just one or two people decide to take control through dishonesty and slander. I really think that’s the main problem with our community around here -- one person or one group will decide they know what’s best for everyone, and will go out of their way to gain control. What I have seen, more often than not, is an attempt at discrediting anyone in the community deemed a threat to their grand plan, thus creating a void in any local leadership. Like we have any local leadership around here….. Anyway, I’ve seen it more than once. I don’t understand it. And every time it happens, it splinters our community just a little more.

I sure would like to see us coming together instead of moving apart.

Let me pose this question to the general public – what could we do to bring our community together? What would help to heal instead of making the wound bigger? Can we find common ground, and if so, how do we do it?

I welcome your comments. Please understand, I am very serious about this.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Being Human

I’m a news junkie. I check news websites several times a day and try to keep up with what’s going on in the world. A lot of times I’m left stunned, shaking my head, trying to understand why people behave like they do. I realize I’ll never understand it, but still, what makes people do the things they do sometimes? And why do so many refuse to acknowledge the humanity of others around them?

My biggest confusion comes from war and all it’s atrocities. I will never, ever, ever understand the reasoning behind creating demons and boogie men out of people different from ourselves. I will never understand how killing and maiming and raping is supposed to make the world a better place. I’ve often referred to war as “who has the biggest dick” syndrome, but I know it’s much more complicated than that – politics, religion, boundaries, resources – fighting and insisting that there is only ONE correct answer for whatever conflict has arisen. It solves nothing and creates pain and grief for thousands, often millions.

And it’s just stunning how cruel we can be to one another in wartime. Every day I read stories about the horrifying things that are done to men, women,…..children. I understand the human mind is capable of doing amazing feats by shutting down certain emotional centers such as fear or sadness, but to be completely devoid of all concern or care for another human being….quite frankly, that just scares the crap out of me. It’s almost as if war turns soldiers in to psychopaths.

I understand soldiers are basically just “doing a job,” but someone sent them to do that job. Someone in a position of power sent these people to do these inhumane acts and destroy fellow humans in order to uphold a position deemed “correct.” The U.S. sends soldiers to the Middle East to stop terrorists from blowing up cafes and embassies because it’s deemed the correct thing to do. At the same time, terrorists are blowing up cafes and embassies because they believe that’s the right thing to do. (Please note – I am not condoning violence as an answer to ANYTHING.) In either case, someone is pulling the strings, making the decisions, pushing these people to go out and do these things in the name of something or someone placed on a pedestal.

I do know that soldiers are trained to take orders and not think for themselves. Pretty handy. Works well with the general masses, too. Teach them to believe one thing, hate everything else that’s different and only listen to what this one person over here has to say. So when someone new comes along and says, “hey, I’ve got this other thing I’d like to present,” they are guaranteed to get attacked.

I do wish more people could open their minds to the differences between us all. We can agree to disagree and still live side by side. Just because you don’t like cheddar cheese, and I think it’s the bomb, that doesn’t mean I get to kick your ass for it. If your car is better than mine, then it’s not ok for me to punch you out and take your car. We have got to do a better job of showing compassion for each other. How else are we gonna live here together?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Good Enough

Some people would love to be where I am right now. I’m well aware of that. There are a few folks out there that think I’ve really busted my ass to get where I am. Well, I haven’t really.

There are times when I feel I lead something of a charmed life. Very rarely do I need to exert myself for any purpose – so much in life just seems to come easy for me. I have a really decent job that I thoroughly enjoy, good friends, great kids, and I’m getting ready to move into an awesome little house that pretty much just fell into my lap. Things are pretty good – well, good enough. That should be enough, right?

My whole life I’ve managed to obtain a status of “good enough.” Not great, not excellent, not stellar, just good enough. Sure, I’m overweight, but I don’t think I look horrible and I’m pretty active, so that’s good enough. My car is old and has over 200,000 miles on it, but it runs fine and it’s good enough. I watch all these amazing videos of belly dancers who move with such beauty and grace and fluidity and I wish I could do that, but I have a good time with what I can do and that’s good enough. I’m at the bottom of the pile at my job, but they like me and I do get a decent paycheck, so that’s good enough.

You know what happens when you settle for “good enough?” Nothing. By that, I mean there’s no growth, no moving forward, no real opportunity to achieve a dream – in a word, stagnation. Guess what? That’s not good, certainly not good enough for me.

I have a real lack of discipline. You know those kids in high school who seemed to barely skate by with getting their homework in on time but always blew the grading curve at test time? That was me. I never really learned how to study or managed to figure out a way to just sit down and do my homework – a lot of it got done on the bus that morning – and I’m sure that contributed a lot to the problems I had once I got to college.

I have a really bad habit of not practicing when I should whenever I’m doing one of my hobbies. When I was in rock bands, I never practiced music at home. Strangely enough, I do dance at home, but dancing and playing bass are two very different arts.

I guess you could say I’m lazy. I like having a good time and doing whatever I want to do without being pressured. I take care of the stuff that needs to be taken care of, like paying bills and making sure there’s food in the house, but I’m really bad about waiting until the last minute to do things like vacuum or loading the dishwasher. There’s no real reason for it – I just don’t like to do it. Kinda dumb, right?

So I have learned that if I set my mind to something, I can do it. It’s time for another grand experiment! I’m going to work on creating discipline in my life. I’m going to work on managing my time better and actually making an effort to trim down, get stronger and be the dancer I really want to be. I’m going to work towards moving up in my job. I’m going to work more towards creating community within the Pagan culture.

Here we go….

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Hey, What's New?

Sometimes life is a bumpy ride – it can get a little more exciting and fast-paced than what you might actually like, and when that happens I end up running like a mad thing trying to catch up.

So, yeah – hi! It’s been a fun couple of months. Got my youngest graduated from high school, and both boys are registered for college in the fall. Due to our educational needs, we are moving out of the small town and back to the big city. It’ll be good for all of us, and I’m very much looking forward to being closer to my friends and family.

We also experienced tragedy here in the Ozarks. I’m sure everyone heard about the tornado that went through Joplin, MO. Joplin is about an hour’s drive from us – it’s also where my parents were born and where they spent most of their childhood and teen years. I have family in the area, not to mention several friends in the Pagan community.

The toll has been devastating. For those that have been there to help with clean-up, it’s been emotionally draining. For those that are there, their lives have been shattered. But we’re a tough bunch of folks around here, and Joplin is rebuilding. Reports today are saying 60% of the debris has been removed so far and building permits are being issued like mad. A lot has been done, but there’s still a great deal left to do.

So this year, when Pagans in the Park gathers for our annual celebration, I’ll be collecting for Joplin. We usually have a food drive and donate that to Ozarks Food Harvest (or another worthy charity). This year, I’m going to take it to Joplin and make sure it gets in the right hands and helps the right people.

If you’re interested in donating or just attending PITP this year, it will be September 17th at Fassnight Park from noon to five. Joplin will be holding Pagan Pride Day the following weekend. I will be in attendance to both events.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

To Be a Minister

I’ve been working on an essay for ordination over the past couple of weeks, and while I’m almost finished, I really feel I need to take a break from it. I’ve been spending a lot of time delving into my reasons for seeking ordination (which I believe is a very important part of the process) and revisiting my reasons for originally becoming a minister. Oh, yes, I am already a legal minister, but this is for the Interfaith Esoteric Fellowship Church.

I’ve always felt a drive to try and help people in any way I can. I’ve known so many people that were looking for some sort of spiritual guidance and were disappointed in what they found. Just because you stick “Reverend” in front of your name, that doesn’t mean you’re worth a flip as a minister. Or a Priestess. Or a Priest.

I’d like to think that my life experiences have been a boon to helping people. I fully realize there are some situations I can’t identify with and I would be a fool to try and help anyone if I don’t understand their circumstances. The nice lady that did my counseling training told me we were, in fact, very limited in providing any sort of mental health help. Oh, sure, as a minister for a church, I am allowed to counsel as much as I think I can handle, but ethically speaking I would be putting myself in a lot of hot water.

I keep thinking about a certain church counselor in our fair little town that managed to convince a teenage girl she had repressed memories of her father sexually abusing her as a young child. Her father was a high-up in the church organization. He was brought up on charges, stripped of his job AND his own ministerial credentials, kicked out of the church and ostracized by his friends. Guilty until proven innocent, right? Oh, wait…. Anyway, the man was found innocent, the counselor was brought up on charges, and the whole thing just kind of disappeared. I never did find out what happened in the end, but I do remember thinking what a tragedy to put a family through that sort of pain – and all because of a church counselor who did not have actual legal certification. But since she was covered by the church, it was ok.

And that, I believe, is a big danger when it comes to being a minister. Or a Priestess. Or a Priest. A candidate will trumpet loudly about helping those around them or offering spiritual guidance to those seeking it, but dig a little deeper and a lot of times you’ll find a massive ego looking for strokes. Why do I think that? Even for myself, I know it’s nice when people tell me how wonderful it is they can come to me for help or advice or for a handfasting – I have painfully little self-esteem (or self-compassion – seems to be the new buzzword) and I need nearly constant approval. And considering the number of Baptist ministers that have been in my family (and knowing their not-so-ministerial behaviors), I’ve gotten an up-close look at the God-like ego that can come with that little piece of paper.

The really sad part is, a person doesn’t even really need that little piece of paper to act as a minister. All you really need is compassion and enough concern to care about those around you.

Well, I suppose I should get back to work. I really don’t have that much left to write, and I know it would take me very little time to finish it. But I am struggling…..

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Did you fall off the face of the Earth?

I realize I’ve been rather quiet lately. There’s been a lot going on in my private life, some of which I will tell you all about, and some of which will remain private.

First of all, my nephews’ mother passed away earlier this month. She was thirty seven. It was very sudden and unexpected, and we’re all doing everything we can for the boys. They didn’t live with their mother – my brother had full custody – and she wasn’t in their lives as much as many of us would have liked, but I can’t imagine it would ever be easy to lose one’s mother. If you known me for more than just a couple of years, then I’m sure you’ve heard a few stories about her. However, right now is not the time to go into details about all of it.

Second, I finally went to the doctor for a check-up and blood work and all that happy crap. It’s been at least five years since I’ve been to one, probably longer. I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight since then and I’ve been having a lot of trouble with a few other things that I thought were because of a wonky thyroid. Well, my blood tests all came back within acceptable parameters, and all the working parts are in good order, so the doctor put me back on my happy pills. That means I’m on antidepressants again. I’m not a big fan of better living through chemicals, but wouldn’t you know it, a month later and things are getting better. Granted, the last year and a half I’ve seen a HUGE number of changes in my life and overall there’s been great improvement in the quality of my life, but once again I am faced with the fact that there’s a problem with my chemical make-up. Don’t know why, but I do much better with the whole “massive depression” thing whenever I take the damn meds.

Third, my youngest is about to graduate from high school. Holy moley, we are busy! There’s prom, jazz band competitions and Spring concerts, parties, the graduation itself, and then his birthday, all within the month.

All that coupled with Beltane this weekend, and it’s all I can do to keep my sanity!

So this weekend, I will be out in the woods, dancing ‘round the May pole and leaping balefires with my friends. I definitely need the get-away to recenter myself for next few months – it’s gonna be crazy busy! If you are able, I hope you can join us soon for one of our get-togethers.

There’s more to come!