No Room, No Room!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about energy, reality being what we create, karmic return/energy spent is energy returned, etc.  I don’t think that, as living entities, we operate in a complete vacuum when it comes to the expenditure of energy.    We create our own realities by what we put out to the rest of the world – if you think someone is out to get you, eventually someone will start wondering what you’re trying to hide and begin digging around in your private matters.  Self-fulfilling prophesy!

I have a tendency to trust everyone, which leaves me wide open to be blindsided in those instances when someone decides not to play nice and does something really shitty.  It actually doesn’t happen as often as you might think.  There’s a song by the band Rush that basically says, I believe in the decency of people, but we read about the exceptions every day.  And that’s true.  You don’t hear about the kid that helped another pick up their books after everything went skidding down the hall – you only hear about the kid that went ballistic and stabbed another.  You don’t hear about the community that came together to help a family whose house burned down – you just hear about the arsonist that’s been torching homes.

It actually causes me physical pain to hear about all the awful things that we are capable of doing to each other.  When I was younger, I was out there doing everything I could to work as an activist, fighting for equality and tolerance.  I’m not sure why I can’t do it anymore, but conflict and drama (and there is ALWAYS drama!) has caused me to pull away from it all. 

I cannot handle drama at all.  It serves no purpose other than drawing attention to someone who isn’t happy with themselves.

So if I walk away from something, it’s not that I don’t care…..well, ok, in some cases, I don’t care.  But more than likely, I just can’t handle it.  It’s taken me a long time to recognize this and respect my own needs.  I do try to do what I can, but if I’m screwed up, I’m not going to be any good to anyone else.  If anything, I’ll be a hindrance.  And yes, there’s been a couple of things happen that have made me consider my role in the drama and conflict.  I’m just going to take care of what needs to be taken care of, and if anyone else really wants to get all offended, well, I just really don’t have anything to say about that.

Except maybe you should consider the reality you’re creating for yourself.

The Weight of the World

Oh, yes, we all have that "weighty issue" that we drag around with us.  We hope that someone might someday come along and help us - actually help, not just say they're going to help.  But what I've discovered is most times, a person will come along and say "oh, yes!  I will help you with your burden!" then as soon as you accept their help, they either drop it immediately to the ground and skip merrily away, or they use it to bludgeon you about the head and shoulders. 

Sometimes whatever it is that we carry around with us is something we can't "just" get rid of - and it is incredibly painful for people to tell you to just "cowboy up" and deal with it.  Oh, how I would love to smack the people who do that.  There's that whole "walk a mile in my shoes" thing, but for some, they still wouldn't get it.  So my load.....remains my load.

But sometimes we reach a point in our lives when we realize we've outgrown that load.  I've been working on getting rid of a particular bit of burden for some time now, but believe it or not, some folks insist on making sure I still carry it around.  There's a friend for ya.  I've finally found a place where I'm happy and I very much would like to put all my time and energy towards that happiness.  If I can just kick this one thing to the curb, I would be so much happier - and yet.....

I have one obligation left.  I will fulfill that obligation. Then I'm done.

Reality Does Suck

I spent the last two weekends working at a Ren Faire.  It's my second year for working at this particular faire, or any faire, for that matter.  I love the time I spend there - I've always had friends in the Society for Creative Anachronisms, been to events, love the costuming and the characters, and since I was a drama major, it's another great opportunity for me to play make-believe.

But sometimes I let my imagination get the best of me.  Oh, I'm not foolish enough to think any of that is real, or anything THAT crazy, but I do tend to find more comfort in allowing my imagination to wander about aimlessly in such a world.  And of course, since I'm single, it's always fun to conjure up a pretty, muscular man to go with the natural beauty of the woods on a sunny day.

Well, it's kind of dumb. 

By allowing myself to live in this little fantasy world, I miss a lot of real-world situations and clues.  People think I'm dense or stupid - mostly, I'm just not paying a lot of attention to what's going on around me.  I mean, seriously, I've lived through some pretty crappy stuff, so hiding inside my own mind was the best way for me to escape a lot of it.  I've read sooo many books.....

So now I'm an adult with a sometimes-tenuous hold on reality.  I'm sure I've missed some great opportunities for happiness because of my fear of leaving my comfy little world, and I know I've wasted time on imaginary situations.  But after this weekend, even though I was eyeballs-deep in my favorite little fun-time fantasy land, it's become painfully obvious that I've got to get away from my own mind. 

I can create my own reality, but it's probably going to be a lot better for me if my reality exists somewhere else besides inside my head.

Struggling

I’m astounded at how easily individuals can just shut down their emotional responses during a time some sort of response is almost mandatory.

A young woman took her life yesterday.  She left behind two small children and a lot of questions.  She was related to a person here at work.  As I sit here, trying to do my job, I can hear their conversations a couple of cubicles over – oh, she was on drugs, she was irresponsible, she was in and out of mental facilities so it’s no surprise.  Cold, callous, blaming the victim.

I can see in very sharp and crystal clear clarity why this woman took her life – if that’s how much her own family cared, she most likely believed no one cared.  So why bother?  And it’s that attitude – the attitude that she was the one at fault and no one else – that is causing me the most pain today.  Gods forbid we should turn that spotlight on ourselves and see what we might have done to contribute to the problem or what we could have done to prevent it.  Refusing to admit we might feel badly about the whole situation won’t fix anything.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.  Here, here’s a card.”

False sincerity.  When the card came around to me, I couldn’t sign it.  “It’s for the children.”  Really?  Is this supposed to make them feel better?  A bunch of strangers signed a card – well, that just fixes everything!  I’m appalled….

I can’t listen to their conversations anymore.  I’ll probably spend the rest of this day with my iPod earbuds jammed into my ears. 

I’m angry with how this whole thing is being perceived.  Obviously, the family knew there was a problem and there were a few feeble attempts to fix it, but from what I can gather, she had little to no actual emotional support.  That’s the real crime here.  Pills and psychiatrists can only do so much.  If she was trying to get better, the least they could have done is support her.  Well, I take that back.  They did do the least, and that was nothing.

Did anyone ever tell her it doesn’t stay dark forever?

Attraction and Relationships

This is something that's almost always in the back of my mind, and very often a big hang-up for me when it comes to dating and relationships.

I believe that any two (or more) consenting adults that want to be in a physical or emotional relationship are more than welcome to do so. I have no problems with that whatsoever. I firmly believe that seeking whatever it is that makes you happy is one of our main purposes in life. Yes, I know that's a rather hedonistic philosophy of life, but that's who I am. Once I realized all my self-imposed "rules" were what made me so miserable, I was able to let it all go and seek what truly spoke to my heart. And you might be surprised to know some of my self-imposed rules....

For the longest time, I tried to convince myself that I had to be bi. "All acts of love and pleasure," right? Seemed like every woman I knew was bisexual, and gosh, what was wrong with me if I didn't want to sleep both men and women? Well, there's nothing wrong with me - I'm just straight, that's all. But you would surprised at how many people have been critical of me for that. Just as conservative types tend to look down upon anyone with bisexual tendencies, I was being looked down upon because I didn't!

Something else I have been chastised for - wanting a monogamous relationship. Yeah, seriously. I have actually had people tell me I wasn't spiritually developed because I didn't have an open relationship. What the hell? I thought the whole point of being a consenting adult was being able to live the lifestyle that makes you happy - being pressured into trying open relationships is just as bad as looking down one's nose at those who DO have open relationships. And being the suspicious type that I am, I did often wonder about those who insisted I NEEDED to throw monogamy to the side. I'm thinking there might have been an ulterior motive.....

I've never been really good about dating men my own age. I don't look or behave like other people I know that are my age, and I actually have very few friends even close to my age. Even in high school, I dated guys that were younger. Is it just because I'm immature? Oh, probably -- but again, that's just who I am. However -- and I cannot stress this enough! -- very rarely have I actually pursued a younger man. Usually it's the other way around! I don't know how many times I've told a guy "no" because I felt he was too young for me. But with time, I've started considering that, as long as he's an adult, then why the hell not? PS, that does not make me a "cougar"....I'm not actively pursuing these guys. Besides which, I detest that term.

So I'm not really sure why I've felt compelled to share all of this. Just one of those things, I guess.

Hug It Out

I’m one of those obnoxious, loud people that tend to be overbearing and probably something of an embarrassment if you’re with me in public.  It’s taken me a while, but I’ve made peace with that fact. 

Recently, I’ve been contemplating the need for human touch.  There are a gazillion studies out there that say we need human interaction, and touching and hugging are very important for maintaining mental health – they are supposed to help with depression.  I find that very curious, considering I’ve dealt with depression pretty much my whole life. 

Maybe that’s why I’m so obnoxious – my kids won’t hug me, which doesn’t make sense to me, because I hugged on them all the time when they were little – or maybe that’s why they won’t hug me!  There are a few folks that I see upon occasion who will give me a hug, and that’s awesome.  I always feel so much better after spending time with those people and I’m sure that’s part of the reason.  But there’s a lot of the other touchy-feely stuff that I miss, too.  Probably why I put up with some bad people in my life for as long as I did.

I’ve heard some people say they do just fine with their animals and don’t need human interaction.  Well….that’s great for you.  Not so much for me.  Chopper is a great dog and all, but it’s not quite the same….

Yeah, What He Said

I love advice.  I love to hear what people think I need to hear and I love to read all the volumes upon volumes of self-help books that are guaranteed to work all these amazing miracles – for someone.  I’ve repeated all the mantras….”you must love yourself before you can love another”….”cease all expectations and gain everything”….you create your own reality.”

Ok, there are some of those that I believe whole-heartedly, like the one about creating our own reality.  I’ve come to learn that reality is subjective.  No, really!  If you think life sucks, guess what?  It’s gonna suck.  If you think the world is out to get you, you’re gonna actively work to find evidence to that end, and it will look very much as though the world is indeed out to get you.

But I digress…..

I talk a pretty good talk, I think.  Life is actually fairly decent these days.  It’s not perfect, but it’s not awful.  I am still single, and it’s something I’ve been reflecting on a lot these days, but it’s not just the “single” thing.

I don’t have any really close friends right now.  You know, someone you can share secrets with and talk about anything under the sun.  I have friends that I CAN share secrets with, but I see them so rarely anymore, through no fault of our own.  Work and relationships take folks far away sometimes.  The internet is grand and all, but there’s nothing like being able to sit down face to face with someone and share a laugh over something stupid.

I’ve mentioned before about having walls up to protect myself from the pain I’ve experienced in the recent past.  Damn those things.  They’ve managed to finagle themselves into such a position that I find it difficult to be close to anyone anymore.  That sucks.  Ok, yeah, so I had some bad crap happen and some people I trusted hurt me, but I can’t let that dictate my life.  It’s just one small part.

“Do not feed today the leftovers of yesterday. Today has teeth and is hungry. Feed today what you want it to be and let it become that.”

 

Shane Koyczan

 

What he said.