Attraction and Relationships

This is something that's almost always in the back of my mind, and very often a big hang-up for me when it comes to dating and relationships.

I believe that any two (or more) consenting adults that want to be in a physical or emotional relationship are more than welcome to do so. I have no problems with that whatsoever. I firmly believe that seeking whatever it is that makes you happy is one of our main purposes in life. Yes, I know that's a rather hedonistic philosophy of life, but that's who I am. Once I realized all my self-imposed "rules" were what made me so miserable, I was able to let it all go and seek what truly spoke to my heart. And you might be surprised to know some of my self-imposed rules....

For the longest time, I tried to convince myself that I had to be bi. "All acts of love and pleasure," right? Seemed like every woman I knew was bisexual, and gosh, what was wrong with me if I didn't want to sleep both men and women? Well, there's nothing wrong with me - I'm just straight, that's all. But you would surprised at how many people have been critical of me for that. Just as conservative types tend to look down upon anyone with bisexual tendencies, I was being looked down upon because I didn't!

Something else I have been chastised for - wanting a monogamous relationship. Yeah, seriously. I have actually had people tell me I wasn't spiritually developed because I didn't have an open relationship. What the hell? I thought the whole point of being a consenting adult was being able to live the lifestyle that makes you happy - being pressured into trying open relationships is just as bad as looking down one's nose at those who DO have open relationships. And being the suspicious type that I am, I did often wonder about those who insisted I NEEDED to throw monogamy to the side. I'm thinking there might have been an ulterior motive.....

I've never been really good about dating men my own age. I don't look or behave like other people I know that are my age, and I actually have very few friends even close to my age. Even in high school, I dated guys that were younger. Is it just because I'm immature? Oh, probably -- but again, that's just who I am. However -- and I cannot stress this enough! -- very rarely have I actually pursued a younger man. Usually it's the other way around! I don't know how many times I've told a guy "no" because I felt he was too young for me. But with time, I've started considering that, as long as he's an adult, then why the hell not? PS, that does not make me a "cougar"....I'm not actively pursuing these guys. Besides which, I detest that term.

So I'm not really sure why I've felt compelled to share all of this. Just one of those things, I guess.

Hug It Out

I’m one of those obnoxious, loud people that tend to be overbearing and probably something of an embarrassment if you’re with me in public.  It’s taken me a while, but I’ve made peace with that fact. 

Recently, I’ve been contemplating the need for human touch.  There are a gazillion studies out there that say we need human interaction, and touching and hugging are very important for maintaining mental health – they are supposed to help with depression.  I find that very curious, considering I’ve dealt with depression pretty much my whole life. 

Maybe that’s why I’m so obnoxious – my kids won’t hug me, which doesn’t make sense to me, because I hugged on them all the time when they were little – or maybe that’s why they won’t hug me!  There are a few folks that I see upon occasion who will give me a hug, and that’s awesome.  I always feel so much better after spending time with those people and I’m sure that’s part of the reason.  But there’s a lot of the other touchy-feely stuff that I miss, too.  Probably why I put up with some bad people in my life for as long as I did.

I’ve heard some people say they do just fine with their animals and don’t need human interaction.  Well….that’s great for you.  Not so much for me.  Chopper is a great dog and all, but it’s not quite the same….

Yeah, What He Said

I love advice.  I love to hear what people think I need to hear and I love to read all the volumes upon volumes of self-help books that are guaranteed to work all these amazing miracles – for someone.  I’ve repeated all the mantras….”you must love yourself before you can love another”….”cease all expectations and gain everything”….you create your own reality.”

Ok, there are some of those that I believe whole-heartedly, like the one about creating our own reality.  I’ve come to learn that reality is subjective.  No, really!  If you think life sucks, guess what?  It’s gonna suck.  If you think the world is out to get you, you’re gonna actively work to find evidence to that end, and it will look very much as though the world is indeed out to get you.

But I digress…..

I talk a pretty good talk, I think.  Life is actually fairly decent these days.  It’s not perfect, but it’s not awful.  I am still single, and it’s something I’ve been reflecting on a lot these days, but it’s not just the “single” thing.

I don’t have any really close friends right now.  You know, someone you can share secrets with and talk about anything under the sun.  I have friends that I CAN share secrets with, but I see them so rarely anymore, through no fault of our own.  Work and relationships take folks far away sometimes.  The internet is grand and all, but there’s nothing like being able to sit down face to face with someone and share a laugh over something stupid.

I’ve mentioned before about having walls up to protect myself from the pain I’ve experienced in the recent past.  Damn those things.  They’ve managed to finagle themselves into such a position that I find it difficult to be close to anyone anymore.  That sucks.  Ok, yeah, so I had some bad crap happen and some people I trusted hurt me, but I can’t let that dictate my life.  It’s just one small part.

“Do not feed today the leftovers of yesterday. Today has teeth and is hungry. Feed today what you want it to be and let it become that.”

 

Shane Koyczan

 

What he said.

Sometimes Bad Things Happen

Yes, it's been a while since I posted here.  Since my last post, I've moved, lost a pet, was anti-social for a bit, but I can feel the air starting to change around me and it's time to come back up out of my cocoon. 

The boys and I decided to move from the house we were in to something on the north side of town - closer to family and friends and a lot of the things I love about this town, like the square.  So we packed up all our stuff, rented a truck and us and a bunch of my friends spent a Saturday moving all our worldly possessions to this big old house with a gigantic yard (yes, there will be barbeques!).

Sadly, this is where we lost our pet.  Ginger, my rat terrier rescue dog, who was not known to be the brightest crayon in the box and who would bark at leaves falling from trees, discovered the new neighbor's dogs.  Two rather large but friendly-looking pit bulls.  I have no issues with pits, having had several myself.  Plus, there was an electric fence running across the top and bottom of the chain link fence, so I thought, "no problem."

Oh, there was a problem.  Apparently, electric fences meant nothing to these dogs.  Apparently, these dogs went for walks on a regular basis all by themselves.  And apparently, the neighbor would leave them outside all day while she was at work, pretty much giving them free reign.

So just a little over a week after we moved in, the neighbor's dogs decided they were done barking at my dogs and came over the fence.  Chopper may be an old dog, but he's damn fast.  Ginger -- well, she had always had a problem with her weight.  Her former owners withheld food from her, so any time she had food, she would gorge herself.  We had been working with her to get her slimmed down, and we were having some success.  She was a lot more active and happier.  Unfortunately, she was still slow - and they caught her.

My youngest son was home, and the neighbor on the other side of my house heard a ruckus, saw what was happening and ran to my house, pounding on the door.  My son and my neighbor ran the pits off and scooped up Ginger, making a mad dash to the vet.  I must give credit to the vet  --  he was a very kind man and he did everything he could for us and for her, but the damage was too much.  She survived for about a day and a half, and we were able to bring her home with us before she passed.

It's been almost two weeks, and I'm sitting here with tears running down my face as I type this.  So what if she wasn't very bright?  She didn't deserve that.  She had just turned six years old in December.


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Well, I don't think that was enough teary-eyed writing, so here's another thing that will probably make you cry.  It's an amazing video put together by a young poet who has obviously "been there."  Me, too.  Please watch this, and remember.....they were wrong.

Why I Had to Quit Being a Priestess

I had reached a point in my life where I couldn’t tell someone “no,” and couldn’t turn down a person that was in trouble who cried that they needed my help.  I was surrounded by sad, lonely individuals who constantly cried to me how they neeeeeeeeded my help and gosh, I was just so understanding and always made them feel so much better.  And for a while, that was good enough for me.  I was helping (or at least was trying to help) these poor lost souls who felt as though they had been pushed to the edge of society where no one cared about them, except me.  Sure, it was nice for the ego, but I also truly and honestly wanted to see these people get better. 

The problem – they weren’t getting better.

Instead, they were draining me of all my energy and all my time.  I would spend hours on the phone or sitting across from them while they told me how awful their lives were, how everything in the Universe and every person in this world were obviously working against them, just to destroy their lives.  They would ask for cleansings, blessings, spells, rituals, amulets, talismans, anything that would fix their problems.  But Bob forbid I should suggest ways they could make changes by themselves!  That would mean taking responsibility for their own actions and realizing that maybe there weren’t supernatural powers out to get them  --  because that would also mean they weren’t special.

Even the people I considered good friends would come to me with all these problems that were certainly never their fault, always someone else’s.  They would also spend hours telling me how awful their lives were because of someone else or some corporation that they were just sure had singled them out so they could destroy their lives.  After listening for hours upon end, I would gently suggest maybe THEY make a change instead of expecting everything around them to bend to their will.  What the hell was I thinking???  I must not be as good a friend as they thought if I really believed they should be the ones to attempt some sort of change in order to better their lives.  Sheesh….

(Does the sarcasm show through that last statement?)

One day, a little light bulb went off over my head.  Here I am, trying to suggest to these people that maybe if they changed their attitudes a bit or changed the way they handled certain situation so their lives might be better, and I wasn’t paying any attention to those suggestions myself.  I was surrounded by so much depression and darkness, but I wasn’t really doing anything to get myself out of it.  It also occurred to me that all these people who begged for my help and my counsel never actually seemed to be doing anything to improve themselves.  I started to see where they needed to have all these horrible things happen to them so they had an excuse to stay right where they were and never have to worry about actually making an effort.  And I was getting sucked into their little dramas and feeding into their need to be a victim.

So I quit.  I started saying “no.”  It was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.  But it was totally worth it.

My whole life, I thought I was supposed to be in some sort of service to humanity, but I’ve done a lousy job of it.  Maybe I didn’t understand exactly what it meant.  Maybe I just had the wrong idea altogether.  Whatever the case may be, it is safe to say that I burned out – hard – and as it stands today, I can barely even deal with the thought of trying to offer counsel to someone.  I feel like throwing up when I consider it.

The worst part of it all is the fact that I was using all these other people and their problems as an excuse to not deal with my own.  That was a rough span of time.  Once I started working towards focusing all that energy on myself, I saw some pretty icky crap going on in my own life.  There have been oh, so many changes since then, and there are still many changes to go, but I am very happy with where I am and where I’m going now.

And sometimes, it’s good to remember where I was, and not even that long ago.

Faith No More (with apologies to Billy Gould)

Faith. Destiny. A Higher Power. So many people build their entire lives on what they believe is a pre-ordained destiny, searching for their life's purpose, expecting to find some sort of Great Truth given to them by a Higher Power. They put all their faith into this, dedicating their lives to doing good or denying themselves certain pleasures because they believe this will bring them closer to whatever great purpose they are supposed to reach. Prayers are offered, sacrifices are made, every little happenstance is seen as a sign that they are on the right path.

Some lose faith, some don't. Some continue on, blindly following what they believe is the “only true way.” But I've always been fascinated with those that stop following that path – what happens? Where do they lose that faith and how do they live their lives afterwards?

How do you find purpose after you lose faith?

For every person that puts their lives on a path based solely on faith and destiny, there is another who has lived a life without bowing to the pressures of sacrifice or prayer. They don't attend a church or believe in any sort of horrible afterlife for those that don't.

(By the same token, these people also manage to live within the confines of law and morality without religion and spirituality, but that's a blog for another time!)

I know there are goals that folks work towards – health issues, acceptance of any number of things that are considered marginal, even physical achievements. But after a lifetime of working towards something esoteric, how difficult is it to redefine your vision?

So, yeah – seems like everything I've done in my life for the last twenty-five years has been with a view towards spirituality. After all these years, a lot has changed for me. I'm not looking towards faith or any sort of destiny anymore. All the plans I had when I was younger are gone, and the big push to be a great High Priestess is no more. I don't feel the need to sacrifice myself to give what I can to those around me.

Because you know what happens when you try to help others? Nothing.

As soon as folks are better, on their feet, happy, whatever, they forget you. There are people out there I would have cut off my arm for, gave them everything I possibly could and then some, helped them through some of the toughest times of their lives. I've learned that's the quickest way to end a friendship. So for all that I've always thought was the best way for me to be, I was obviously very wrong.

It's a strange feeling to be focusing on my own wants and needs. Is it selfish? Should I care? It's not like I'm robbing banks or kicking puppies. But I am having trouble finding purpose and identifying what makes me happy now. I need new goals. I have some in mind, but they would require a few changes I'm not quite ready to make just yet.

I know I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who do not create their goals based on any sort of divinity or spirituality. I'm curious to know how you come to your goals and dreams. Coming out of a lifetime of believing in a destiny is a little disorienting! 

PS. - Billy Gould is the bass player and a founding member of the band Faith No More.  Just so you know.

Happy Whatever-you-celebrate

Holidays.  Yippee.

Oh, and the end of the world.  Forgot about that.  Sigh.

Ok, so when everyone wakes up Saturday morning and everything is still there and we go on about our business as usual, I’ll be sad.  Because it will be business as usual.  There will be no great revelations by the masses.  There will be no savior to suddenly appear and help us all get our shit together.  It’ll just be us, like it was yesterday and the day before, looking at each other, waiting for someone else to do something to make the world a better place.

I was fortunate enough to have an acquaintance a few years ago whose fascination with the Mayan theory of the end of the world led him to do a massive amount of research into it.  Apparently the Mayans were able to chart dates back for thousands of years with complete accuracy, noted celestial happenings that the rest of the world didn’t even notice, and managed to predict solar and lunar eclipses far into what was their future.  So the calendar ending is something a lot of folks looked at as a prediction of the end of time and, logically following that through, the end of the world. Well, not so much.

It is the end of A time, not all time.  Mayans measured time in various units, some that encompassed thousands of years.  It just so happens that we are at the end of a cycle of time called a baktun or a long count (7,886 years).  And you know what happens when one ends?  Another one begins.

Ok, so there may be some celestial things going on, too – I’m not real up-to-date on all of that.  But that doesn’t mean everything is going to come crashing down around us.  Hell, I’d be thrilled to see some real change in this world, but I’m not holding my breath.  The only thing I really can do is change myself.

So back to the holidays.  I like the time off.  I like getting to see my boys for more than ten minutes at a time.  I really dislike all the pressure to SPEND! SPEND! SPEND!  That’s just ridiculous.  Seriously, if all these “war on Christmas” people were really concerned with having their holiday taken away, shouldn’t they stop contributing to the commercialization of it?

Maybe that’s what will come to an end – the insane need to overspend and buy crap that will be broken or abandoned within the week.

I’m gonna go spend some time with my boys, before it all comes crashing down on us.