My email inbox is constantly inundated with “special messages, just for ME!” about how I can stay sexy forever, feel ten years younger, enlarge my…well, anyway – yeah, lots of junk aimed towards (mostly) a woman of my age. It’s my own fault. At times I get a little panicked and I will click on the ad that promises the Fountain of Youth, even though I know there’s probably just some sort of costly scam at the other end.
As a Pagan woman, I’m supposed to be ok with being mature, and I keep hearing about how forty is the new thirty, and we’re all so much healthier and feeling younger these days, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. I’d love to be able to say I feel empowered and strong, but I don’t, really. I’ve done a few good things for the local Pagan community, and I hope to continue doing things for the Pagan community, but the truth of the matter is I know I could do more – I just haven’t.
When I was younger, I had this little dream about meeting someone that could work with me, side by side, be my partner and my Priest. So of course, the father of my boys is a Baptist. He’s a good guy – he’s even gone to a Pagan festival with me! – but he is Christian, and I would certainly never try to persuade anyone to change who they are. Over the years, I’ve gone through a string of potential possibilities, but apparently I’m just crazy enough that they’ve all run screaming into the night. After these past two years, I’ve made a decision….
It’s not gonna happen. As much as I would like to find someone like that, I’m really starting to believe that no such person exists. At all. All these years of meeting and dating while looking for this idealized mate could have been spent just doing what needed to be done for the community. I’ve always held the belief that no group, grove, coven, clan, whatever, could operate without having both Priest and Priestess, but it’s time to let that one go and get to work.
See, even though I’m older, I can still learn!
On another subject, I did go to Seymour to face down the Westboro Baptist Church. They never showed. I heard a rumor that they drove by, saw how many people showed up, and just kept on going. Fine by me!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Westboro Baptist is Comin' to Town!
Well, Ok, they're not coming to Springfield - evidently they are planning on protesting the funeral of a soldier from Seymour. I would like to go to Seymour and let WBC know what I think of their crappy protest, but I'm conflicted....
Yes, I believe in the right to peaceably assemble and protest - that's First Amendment stuff. However, I also believe in a family's right to grieve in peace, without having to deal with the three-ring-circus that is WBC. I believe in the freedom to worship and assign faith as we see fit, but I also believe Fred Phelps is a closet homosexual. Hey, it's a free country, and that's just my opinion!
I very much believe that WBC only does these protests as a way to garner attention and provoke assault - if you aren't familiar with Westboro Baptist Church (and I use the term "church" loosely here), it's made up mostly of members of the Phelps family - and most of them are attorneys. Here is a fantastic op-ed piece about Fred Phelps and his church. Pretty well sums up my opinion of their activities as well....which is why I'm having so much trouble trying to decide about this protest tomorrow.
Do I go? If I do, I show support for this man that gave his life in service to our country - where it's legal to protest his funeral. Conversely, if I go, it gives WBC what they want - attention and a possible lawsuit. They've succeeded in outraging enough people in this country that no matter where they go, they will be met by opposition. That just plays right into their little game. Most that counter-protest them have learned to keep silent and provide a barrier between them and whatever event they are protesting, and that's great - but I don't know that I could keep silent. I sincerely dislike WBC.
So I'm torn. What to do? I don't know. If we ignore them, I'm afraid they won't just go away, at least as long as Fred is alive. One day, yes, they will be gone, and we can live our lives again without their crazy neon signs with inflammatory slogans all over the place. I've been tracking these people for years, and the only good thing I can say is they are universally despised. And tomorrow, they will be despised in one of our own little Ozarks towns -- well, that is if they actually show.
Yes, I believe in the right to peaceably assemble and protest - that's First Amendment stuff. However, I also believe in a family's right to grieve in peace, without having to deal with the three-ring-circus that is WBC. I believe in the freedom to worship and assign faith as we see fit, but I also believe Fred Phelps is a closet homosexual. Hey, it's a free country, and that's just my opinion!
I very much believe that WBC only does these protests as a way to garner attention and provoke assault - if you aren't familiar with Westboro Baptist Church (and I use the term "church" loosely here), it's made up mostly of members of the Phelps family - and most of them are attorneys. Here is a fantastic op-ed piece about Fred Phelps and his church. Pretty well sums up my opinion of their activities as well....which is why I'm having so much trouble trying to decide about this protest tomorrow.
Do I go? If I do, I show support for this man that gave his life in service to our country - where it's legal to protest his funeral. Conversely, if I go, it gives WBC what they want - attention and a possible lawsuit. They've succeeded in outraging enough people in this country that no matter where they go, they will be met by opposition. That just plays right into their little game. Most that counter-protest them have learned to keep silent and provide a barrier between them and whatever event they are protesting, and that's great - but I don't know that I could keep silent. I sincerely dislike WBC.
So I'm torn. What to do? I don't know. If we ignore them, I'm afraid they won't just go away, at least as long as Fred is alive. One day, yes, they will be gone, and we can live our lives again without their crazy neon signs with inflammatory slogans all over the place. I've been tracking these people for years, and the only good thing I can say is they are universally despised. And tomorrow, they will be despised in one of our own little Ozarks towns -- well, that is if they actually show.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Definition of Insanity
How do you know when it’s time to make a major change in your life? Do you need a major event to occur before you can set out to make changes, or do you wait for some arbitrary date on a calendar? And how deep do those changes go? Are they superficial, like dropping a few pounds or getting a new haircut, or are they really major, like severing ties to toxic people?
There is something somewhat magical and moving about New Year’s Eve, especially when you’re standing by yourself in the middle of a crowd of people you don’t know, wondering what the hell you’ve done with your life up till now. Times Square, any bar in any town, your own home – it’s one of those things you can’t stop from happening. Time will continue, whether you choose to move with it or not.
I’ve spent a considerable amount of time reflecting on myself, my actions, my f’ed up life, and here’s some thoughts –
I thought I liked who I was, but I don’t.
I cannot build a new life on my old life. It’s crap. So I’m closing the door on the old life and starting from scratch.
I’ve been lying to myself for entirely too long. So have a few other people.
Fenix needs to go. The power I gathered from that name is long gone.
I have a drinking problem.
What brought this about? Really, does it matter? Yes, there were events, but it’s not necessary for the world to know about them. What matters is this person that you know is changing. And yes, I know – we are all changing, all the time – but this change will take me off my current path. I’m tired of it.
Definition of insanity – doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.
There is something somewhat magical and moving about New Year’s Eve, especially when you’re standing by yourself in the middle of a crowd of people you don’t know, wondering what the hell you’ve done with your life up till now. Times Square, any bar in any town, your own home – it’s one of those things you can’t stop from happening. Time will continue, whether you choose to move with it or not.
I’ve spent a considerable amount of time reflecting on myself, my actions, my f’ed up life, and here’s some thoughts –
I thought I liked who I was, but I don’t.
I cannot build a new life on my old life. It’s crap. So I’m closing the door on the old life and starting from scratch.
I’ve been lying to myself for entirely too long. So have a few other people.
Fenix needs to go. The power I gathered from that name is long gone.
I have a drinking problem.
What brought this about? Really, does it matter? Yes, there were events, but it’s not necessary for the world to know about them. What matters is this person that you know is changing. And yes, I know – we are all changing, all the time – but this change will take me off my current path. I’m tired of it.
Definition of insanity – doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Aaaaand there it is!
Sometimes my brain needs a little time to chew on a thought before it comes to a conclusion. I knew there was more to what I had written in my last blog - and here it is.
Evil is subjective, yes, but I think you'll be hard-pressed to find any Pagan or Free-thinker that wouldn't agree with this: true evil is forcing another human being to suppress their natural tendencies and free will.
Say, for instance, your son is left-handed, but that just really freaks you out. You force him to write with his right hand, eat with his right hand, color, brush his teeth, hit a baseball, all with his right hand. You even go so far as to tie his left arm behind him so he can't use it at all.
It's been a while back, but I remember reading some studies done years ago on left-handed kids that were forced to use only their right hands, and the scientists doing these studies learned some interesting things (for the record, I'm left-handed). Turns out a lot of those kids had problems with anger, social interaction, clumsiness, poor test scores, stuff that seemed random if you looked at each child individually, but when they started paying more attention to it, they started seeing correlations between forcing a child to go against their natural tendencies and all these other problems they were having later on.
Yeah - think about that for a minute.
What other natural tendencies can you think of that "well-intentioned" people have tried to force others to give up? And just who is it that's trying to force others to bend to their will? Hmm.....
Evil is subjective, yes, but I think you'll be hard-pressed to find any Pagan or Free-thinker that wouldn't agree with this: true evil is forcing another human being to suppress their natural tendencies and free will.
Say, for instance, your son is left-handed, but that just really freaks you out. You force him to write with his right hand, eat with his right hand, color, brush his teeth, hit a baseball, all with his right hand. You even go so far as to tie his left arm behind him so he can't use it at all.
It's been a while back, but I remember reading some studies done years ago on left-handed kids that were forced to use only their right hands, and the scientists doing these studies learned some interesting things (for the record, I'm left-handed). Turns out a lot of those kids had problems with anger, social interaction, clumsiness, poor test scores, stuff that seemed random if you looked at each child individually, but when they started paying more attention to it, they started seeing correlations between forcing a child to go against their natural tendencies and all these other problems they were having later on.
Yeah - think about that for a minute.
What other natural tendencies can you think of that "well-intentioned" people have tried to force others to give up? And just who is it that's trying to force others to bend to their will? Hmm.....
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Evil - Subjective for Who?
I spent a lovely afternoon in the woods today, wandering up and down the old hills of the Ozarks. It's winter now, and all the trees are stripped bare - you can see for miles when you stand on top of a knob (that's a hill with no trees on top of it, for those that don't know). I enjoy taking this time to think, and I have much to think about these days.
Whenever I spend time outdoors, I try to understand how anyone could assign such things as "good" and "evil" to Nature. Nature just is - there's life, death, survival, beauty, joy, sorrow - our own reactions to what goes on around us is supposed to be a natural thing as well, and yet I constantly see and hear various people dictating how others should react or behave. If you're hungry, you should eat, right? Oh, but if you're even the tiniest bit overweight, you really shouldn't, so just deny yourself what your body is asking for and go against what is essentially one of the most basic and natural conditions known.
When we're happy, we laugh - but be careful because if you laugh too much, people will think you're just stupid, and goodness knows, we don't want anything to think you're stupid, right? That would be bad.... When we're sad, sometimes we cry - but not if your a guy, because guys don't cry... you might be mistaken for something LESS than a man...you know, a girl.... When we're angry, we rage - oh, but that's such an ugly thing to show... we don't want people to see something THAT ugly, because then they might actually think we're angry about something!
Shocking! A real emotion!
When did this all go down the road of badness? Why is it wrong for us to be in touch with our real feelings and deal with them in real situations and on a basic level? Who was it that came along and said, "say, you folks really need to quit acting like yourselves, because that's not right. You need to start acting THIS way - stop enjoying yourselves, stop being spiritual and communing with what's natural, stop loving everyone, stop dancing and drinking, because if you don't, something very terrible is going to happen to you!"
Oh, wait, I think his name was Paul....
Anyway, maybe this guy didn't have proof of something horrible happening if the people didn't stop being happy and normal, but somewhere down the line someone DID have armies at their disposal that could wipe out entire villages if they didn't start following the new company policy. And think about the perks! Wipe out a village and what do you have left? Land, livestock, gold, maybe some jewels.... And if the village did decide to follow the new company policy, what would you get then? Land, livestock, gold - just sign it over to the company, please, and we won't torch your hut! See you on Sunday! Bring money....
Three easy steps to global domination!
And just to make sure no one back-slides and starts dancing in the woods again, let's wrap all that good stuff in shiny red satin and call it EVIL. Punishable by eternity in a fiery pit of lava.
I've been going back and revisiting a lot of what it is that's supposed to be bad. I remember in the late Eighties and early Nineties, my mother had several books by a loon named Texx Marrs. He was supposedly some sort of guru on the evils of the New Age movement - made for great laughs. He declared people like John Denver and Al Gore as Satanic because they believed in environmental conservation. Cartoons like He-Man and Rainbow Brite were evil because they taught children self-confidence and *gasp!* self-love (as in learning to love oneself, not what most kids figure out later in their adolescence! - although that was evil, too....). That sort of stuff is pretty easy to look and say, "yeah, whatever!"
What I was curious about is what most would consider the darker aspects of God and Goddess, and even to a point what most Pagans would consider unethical. Nearly everything we call "unethical" today was most likely "ok" at some point and time in the past. Not saying that makes it ok now - just suggesting a different viewpoint. I am really starting to question why certain actions are considered "dark" or even "unethical" - if a person is trying to follow the Wiccan Rede, I'm sure just about everyone is aware these days that it's damn near impossible to get through life without causing pain at some point and time. It's caused me great distress, because that's how I was raised. No one ever bothered to tell me how to deal with it if I did cause pain. Well, I take that back - one guy did tell me "oh, well - no one ever said life is fair." Yeah, he was real role model.
It bothers me to see Pagans turning away from a thought or idea because it's darker than what they care to see. Excluding an entire school of thought because it makes you uncomfortable is like sleeping with the lights on because of the monster you're sure is under the bed. If there is a monster, he's gonna get you either way. Pretending it isn't there won't make it go away.
But in this case, I want to know - what makes something "dark," "evil," "unethical," or even just "uncomfortable?" I don't believe in evil or absolutes - everything is gray. Where does one draw that imaginary line? Is this truly something we decide for ourselves?
Oh, and in case you're wondering - which I'm sure you're not - the one thing I struggle the most with is manipulation of free will. If people would just do what I want them to, the world would be a much better place! Kidding....
Whenever I spend time outdoors, I try to understand how anyone could assign such things as "good" and "evil" to Nature. Nature just is - there's life, death, survival, beauty, joy, sorrow - our own reactions to what goes on around us is supposed to be a natural thing as well, and yet I constantly see and hear various people dictating how others should react or behave. If you're hungry, you should eat, right? Oh, but if you're even the tiniest bit overweight, you really shouldn't, so just deny yourself what your body is asking for and go against what is essentially one of the most basic and natural conditions known.
When we're happy, we laugh - but be careful because if you laugh too much, people will think you're just stupid, and goodness knows, we don't want anything to think you're stupid, right? That would be bad.... When we're sad, sometimes we cry - but not if your a guy, because guys don't cry... you might be mistaken for something LESS than a man...you know, a girl.... When we're angry, we rage - oh, but that's such an ugly thing to show... we don't want people to see something THAT ugly, because then they might actually think we're angry about something!
Shocking! A real emotion!
When did this all go down the road of badness? Why is it wrong for us to be in touch with our real feelings and deal with them in real situations and on a basic level? Who was it that came along and said, "say, you folks really need to quit acting like yourselves, because that's not right. You need to start acting THIS way - stop enjoying yourselves, stop being spiritual and communing with what's natural, stop loving everyone, stop dancing and drinking, because if you don't, something very terrible is going to happen to you!"
Oh, wait, I think his name was Paul....
Anyway, maybe this guy didn't have proof of something horrible happening if the people didn't stop being happy and normal, but somewhere down the line someone DID have armies at their disposal that could wipe out entire villages if they didn't start following the new company policy. And think about the perks! Wipe out a village and what do you have left? Land, livestock, gold, maybe some jewels.... And if the village did decide to follow the new company policy, what would you get then? Land, livestock, gold - just sign it over to the company, please, and we won't torch your hut! See you on Sunday! Bring money....
Three easy steps to global domination!
And just to make sure no one back-slides and starts dancing in the woods again, let's wrap all that good stuff in shiny red satin and call it EVIL. Punishable by eternity in a fiery pit of lava.
I've been going back and revisiting a lot of what it is that's supposed to be bad. I remember in the late Eighties and early Nineties, my mother had several books by a loon named Texx Marrs. He was supposedly some sort of guru on the evils of the New Age movement - made for great laughs. He declared people like John Denver and Al Gore as Satanic because they believed in environmental conservation. Cartoons like He-Man and Rainbow Brite were evil because they taught children self-confidence and *gasp!* self-love (as in learning to love oneself, not what most kids figure out later in their adolescence! - although that was evil, too....). That sort of stuff is pretty easy to look and say, "yeah, whatever!"
What I was curious about is what most would consider the darker aspects of God and Goddess, and even to a point what most Pagans would consider unethical. Nearly everything we call "unethical" today was most likely "ok" at some point and time in the past. Not saying that makes it ok now - just suggesting a different viewpoint. I am really starting to question why certain actions are considered "dark" or even "unethical" - if a person is trying to follow the Wiccan Rede, I'm sure just about everyone is aware these days that it's damn near impossible to get through life without causing pain at some point and time. It's caused me great distress, because that's how I was raised. No one ever bothered to tell me how to deal with it if I did cause pain. Well, I take that back - one guy did tell me "oh, well - no one ever said life is fair." Yeah, he was real role model.
It bothers me to see Pagans turning away from a thought or idea because it's darker than what they care to see. Excluding an entire school of thought because it makes you uncomfortable is like sleeping with the lights on because of the monster you're sure is under the bed. If there is a monster, he's gonna get you either way. Pretending it isn't there won't make it go away.
But in this case, I want to know - what makes something "dark," "evil," "unethical," or even just "uncomfortable?" I don't believe in evil or absolutes - everything is gray. Where does one draw that imaginary line? Is this truly something we decide for ourselves?
Oh, and in case you're wondering - which I'm sure you're not - the one thing I struggle the most with is manipulation of free will. If people would just do what I want them to, the world would be a much better place! Kidding....
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Done (as originally posted on Xanga)
Introspection is never easy, especially for someone that is supposed to be so outgoing. Well, I have my moments.
I’m at an age where I am ok with where I am, I’m pretty clear about what I want, and I don’t need people to tell me who my friends should be or how I should behave. Hell, I don’t even do that to my own boys. It’s very disheartening to know I’m still not considered “grown-up” enough to make my own decisions.
What will it take to have my own opinions considered valid? If I make a mistake, then it’s my mistake to make. God knows I have had the opportunity to make some really monumental mistakes - for instance, I refused to do any amateur porn, despite the almost constant urging of an ex-partner. I don’t do drugs, despite the ridicule of those around me for not partaking. I did not move my boys all over the country, even though I thought that was normal when I was growing up.
Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, some big, some small. I freely admit my latest screw-up was trusting someone when they told me we could see each other casually, then when it quite suddenly ended, I was told it wasn’t because of anyone else. It’s only because I want to trust people so badly - but there again, I often find myself making mistakes.
I’ve mentioned a couple of times in other places about “the rules.” There are unspoken and unwritten rules that we are expected to comply to and follow. So far, following the rules has done nothing but gotten me hurt and run over, again and again. So that’s enough of that crap. It seems like everyone expects me to behave, be the good girl, do all the right things, but those around me can do whatever they want and my expectations, my feelings just don’t matter. I’m done - whether or not my needs matter to anyone else but me, they will be met.
I’ve already taken some steps to figure out my true path - I feel better about myself. However, growth sometimes require trimming away the old bits so the new bits can get what they need. I am removing those parts of my life that are no longer healthy and I am allowing myself to experience the new parts of my life fully.
Time to move on.
I’m at an age where I am ok with where I am, I’m pretty clear about what I want, and I don’t need people to tell me who my friends should be or how I should behave. Hell, I don’t even do that to my own boys. It’s very disheartening to know I’m still not considered “grown-up” enough to make my own decisions.
What will it take to have my own opinions considered valid? If I make a mistake, then it’s my mistake to make. God knows I have had the opportunity to make some really monumental mistakes - for instance, I refused to do any amateur porn, despite the almost constant urging of an ex-partner. I don’t do drugs, despite the ridicule of those around me for not partaking. I did not move my boys all over the country, even though I thought that was normal when I was growing up.
Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, some big, some small. I freely admit my latest screw-up was trusting someone when they told me we could see each other casually, then when it quite suddenly ended, I was told it wasn’t because of anyone else. It’s only because I want to trust people so badly - but there again, I often find myself making mistakes.
I’ve mentioned a couple of times in other places about “the rules.” There are unspoken and unwritten rules that we are expected to comply to and follow. So far, following the rules has done nothing but gotten me hurt and run over, again and again. So that’s enough of that crap. It seems like everyone expects me to behave, be the good girl, do all the right things, but those around me can do whatever they want and my expectations, my feelings just don’t matter. I’m done - whether or not my needs matter to anyone else but me, they will be met.
I’ve already taken some steps to figure out my true path - I feel better about myself. However, growth sometimes require trimming away the old bits so the new bits can get what they need. I am removing those parts of my life that are no longer healthy and I am allowing myself to experience the new parts of my life fully.
Time to move on.
Moving Blog
Since I've joined Xanga, I've had nothing but problems with it, so I'm moving to a site I know won't flake over the tiniest changes. Feel free to follow me here.
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